Codependency refers to an unhealthy relationship dynamic where one person is the “giver” while the other person is the “taker.” The “giver” gives up their own needs and sense of welfare to please their partner. It is important to note that codependency does not just occur in romantic relationships, it can occur in other dynamics as well, including familial connections. Think of parent and child relationships and connections with friends.
Codependency can be a learned behavior that is passed down from one generation to another. For instance, your parents may have been in and modeled a codependent relationship and you learned that is the way to form a romantic connection. Codependency is a behavioral and emotional condition that impacts your ability to foster a healthy, satisfying connection with another person.
People often refer to codependency as a relationship addiction. People who struggle with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive, and even abusive in some cases.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Understanding Codependency: Unpacking the Dynamics of Interdependence
According to Mental Health America, the term “codependency” first arose in addiction and substance abuse circles. It was used to describe an unbalanced relationship where addiction has become the focal point. Eventually, the term has extended itself to include any sort of enabling relationship. While codependency is an issue, it is not a clinical diagnosis or personality disorder.
A dysfunctional family can breed codependency. In a dysfunctional family, family members experience fear, pain, shame, and anxiety that is often ignored.
The following can be aspects of a dysfunctional family:
Poor communication
Emotional neglect
Disengagement
Unresolved conflict
Abuse and violence
Role confusion
Mental health issues (e.g., depression, personality disorders, etc.)
Addiction and substance abuse
Parenting challenges
Lack of support
In a dysfunctional family, it is common to just pretend like any issues do not exist. You do not discuss or confront your problems. Because of this, you may learn to not showcase your emotions and ignore your needs. Growing up in this sort of environment, you are looking to simply survive instead of thrive.
Therefore, you are taught to deny or avoid feeling your feelings. You become detached from daily life, thus negatively affecting your emotional development and identity formation.
When you have a family member who is addicted or experiencing a mental health issue for example, the attention and energy of the family can be consumed by that. The co-dependent person will sacrifice their needs for the person who is sick or struggling. A codependent person places their needs last.
You may have experienced childhood trauma which leads to feeling anxious or insecure while in relationships. Childhood trauma, like neglect, can trigger attachment issues as an adult. A secure attachment bond can be interrupted between yourself and a caregiver growing up. This can cause attachment problems, fear of abandonment, and a need for validation from external sources or people. To learn more, read “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
With these reasonings, it is also important to note that anyone can fall into an unhealthy relationship pattern, like codependency.
Decoding Codependency: Recognizing and Addressing Enabling Behaviors
As you may have guessed, codependent people have low self-esteem. In an effort to make themselves feel better, they look for people outside of themselves. For more insight into self-esteem, check out our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”.
It may be hard to simply “be yourself” because you do not know who you are. Perhaps, as a child and teen, you were never allowed to explore your identity. Some people with codependent behaviors try to use unhealthy coping skills to make themselves feel better, such as alcohol, drugs, workaholism, gambling, risky sexual activity, and so on.
As a codependent person, you have good intentions. When someone is struggling, your first instinct is to go help them. However, your tendency to caretake can be compulsive and even detrimental to your own mental health. You may always try to take on the role of a martyr, but you have to understand that this should not always be your burden to carry.
Think of a wife covering up her husband’s abuse due to an alcohol addiction. Or a mother who uses her social contacts to get her son out of a punishment due to questionable behavior.
These attempts to rescue people may make things easier in the moment but, if the core behavior of the other person is not adjusted, it can lead to bigger problems down the line. Excuses can make the other person more dependent on you in the long-run and it may cause you to even receive a sense of pleasure when you help this person because you feel needed.
Caretaking turns uncontrollable when the codependent person feels hopeless in the relationship dynamic. No matter how hard they try, they cannot undo the behavior that is driving this cyclical relationship. Co-dependents typically self-identify as a victim.
Here are some signs and behaviors that are associated with codependent individuals:
Low self-esteem
Excessive caretaking
Hard time setting boundaries (For more insight, read “How To Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships”)
Fear of abandonment (Read our blog “Healing Abandonment Trauma with Inner Work”)
People-pleasing tendencies (Check out our blog “11 Reasons Why You Are A People-Pleaser” for more information on the root cause of your behavior)
Lack of identity
Difficulty expressing emotions
Dependency on others for validation
Enmeshed relationships
Denial
Am I A Codependent Person?
The first step to fixing codependency is recognizing if you are a codependent person or not. In an unhealthy codependent dynamic, the “giver” is overly-responsible while the “taker” has constant excuses made for them and their behavior, leaving them with little to zero obligations and sense of personal responsibility.
As a giver, you may have control issues, be a perfectionist, and even be extra self-critical. The need to fix people or rescue other people from themselves makes you feel important and needed. For a deeper understanding of your behaviors, read “7 Ways to Let Go of Control Issues.”
You focus on other people so much that you are not even in tune with your wants and needs. Your low self-esteem makes it hard to reach out for help when needed. When you are always saving other people and you identify as being the “fixer”, it can be hard to seek professional help, such as a licensed mental health counselor.
In this type of relationship dynamic, the “taker” struggles with serious issues, like mental health problems (e.g., anxiety, depression, OCD, etc.), addiction, and/or emotional immaturity.
If you resonate with some of the signs and behaviors outlined previously, you may be codependent; however, the best way to be sure is to engage in the inner work by digging deep and asking yourself emotionally-triggering and vulnerable questions.
Ask yourself the following questions to determine your codependency status:
Do I have a hard time setting and maintaining boundaries in relationships?
Do I derive my self-worth from external sources?
Do I get overly-involved in relationships, losing insight on my own needs and wants?
Do I deny or minimize my own needs, feelings, or issues?
Is it hard for me to express my emotions, needs, and desires in an open way?
Do I often prioritize other peoples’ needs above my own?
Do I engage in people-pleasing behaviors just so I can avoid conflict?
If you identify with these questions, it should give you more insight into yourself and your behaviors, but it is not a foolproof method to deciding whether or not you are codependent. The best way to decide that indefinitely is to work with a therapist who specializes in relationship dynamics.
Relationship Counseling for Codependency
Relationship therapy for codependency is always a collaborative process at Anchor Therapy, involving you and your relationship therapist.
In the first session, also referred to as the intake session, your relationship counselor will conduct an assessment to gain a better understanding of the dynamics and challenges that arise in your relationship(s). You can attend therapy for codependency by yourself, with a romantic partner, or with a family member.
In some cases, you may not even be aware of your habits which are reflective of codependency. Therefore, your relationship or family therapist will provide psychoeducation about codependency. You will learn about the root causes and how it arises in relationships. By learning about codependency, you can gain a better sense of understanding about the roles, patterns, and behaviors of this relationship dynamic.
Part of this education delves into the root causes of codependency which is where exploring family history comes into play. Perhaps your family background and/or childhood dynamics contributed to your formation of codependency. When you know the cause, you can get to the catalyst of your actions and behaviors, thus providing an understanding of current relationship patterns.
In codependency counseling, a therapist will gently yet assertively help you pinpoint any enabling behaviors, like your compulsive need to caretake or your people-pleasing tendencies. Identifying these behaviors lets you know what you need to change to be able to set attainable goals in therapy.
Some common goals in codependency therapy can be establishing healthy boundaries, enhancing your sense of self-esteem, and gaining a greater sense of independence for example.
In any form of therapy, you will work on your communication skills. From active listening to conflict resolution, there are many things you can improve on to ensure healthier interactions within a relationship.
Inevitably, codependency counseling addresses your ability to regulate your emotions. By regularly attending therapy, you can manage uncomfortable emotions, like anxiety, guilt, and shame. Developing healthy coping strategies reduces your need to identify as the “giver” and reduces your people-pleasing tendencies.
The following are examples of coping skills that can be used if you struggle with codependency:
Self-awareness
Self-care (Check out our blog “The 8 Forms of Self-Care and How You Can Practice Them”)
Setting boundaries
Assertive communication
Emotional regulation
Mindfulness
Self-compassion
Stress management techniques (Such as exercise, meditation, and more!)
Working with a relationship therapist for codependency issues, you will receive the following benefits:
Identifying unhealthy patterns
Enhanced self-awareness
Better communication skills
Coping skills development
Problem-solving strategies
Building self-esteem
Emotional regulation
Support and validation
Personal growth
Empowerment
Exploring healthy relationship dynamics
Codependency Treatment: How Different Therapies Can Transform Codependent Relationships
As previously mentioned, codependency is typically rooted in childhood. Therefore, codependency counseling will involve delving into your childhood. You may explore early childhood problems and see how it relates to current relationship problems unfolding in your life.
From education to individual psychotherapy for codependency, you can refind yourself and learn more about your true identity, including any self-sabotaging tendencies. For more information, check out our blog “How to Stop Self-Sabotaging for Good.” You will learn to get in touch with your feelings that have been hiding since childhood. You deserve to feel your feelings again.
At Anchor Therapy, our relationship counselors use different types of mental health counseling to treat codependency:
For one, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be used to pinpoint and challenge any negative thought patterns you are experiencing that are growing your codependency. You can alter unhealthy behaviors, gain coping skills, and improve your self-esteem.
An example of a thought change in CBT can be initially thinking “If I do not constantly help other people, they will reject me.” Instead of this thought, you will replace it with a more realistic, positive thought like “True connections are based on mutual respect and understanding. It is important that I prioritize my needs too while setting boundaries in my relationships.”
Another popular therapeutic modality for codependency is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT. In ACT therapy, you will simply accept your thoughts and emotions with zero judgment attached. At the same time, your actions moving forward must be aligned with your values and beliefs. By developing these mental health habits, you will begin to build psychological flexibility and resilience so you can, eventually, overcome codependency.
Psychodynamic therapy can also be employed to help you understand unconscious thought patterns, emotions, and internal conflicts you may be experiencing that are adding to your codependency. By engaging with a psychodynamic therapist, you can learn from past occurrences, process unsettled problems, and form healthy habits so you can bond with other people in a meaningful way.
Educating yourself on codependency is the first step to creating change. Change and growth is necessary to outgrow thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve you, like people-pleasing habits. If you are struggling, reach out to a professional relationship therapist at Anchor Therapy who can help you feel like your best self again!
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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