Having a significant other with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, often simply referred to as ADHD, may make them an exciting and fun person to be with. After all, many people try to positively view ADHD as having a ‘superpower’ since people with ADHD often embrace multitasking, can think outside the box, and have unparalleled creativity.
On the other hand, having a partner with ADHD can cause a few bumps in the road along the way, especially in a long-term relationship or marriage. Adult ADHD symptoms like distraction and procrastination may cause issues in your relationship and uncomfortable emotions to arise, such as anger, frustration, and sadness. However, there is a way to prevent misunderstandings from piling up. Keep reading this blog for ways to ensure that your relationship thrives!
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Can ADHD Affect My Relationship?
Yes, ADHD has the ability to affect the relationships in your life, from friendships and connections with family members to romantic relationships. Many areas of an adult’s life can be impacted by ADHD, like distractibility, disorganization, and impulsivity. These symptoms, if not managed properly, can be potentially damaging to the relationships in your life.
While ADHD has the potential to negatively impact adult relationships, it does not mean that you are doomed to never have a successful romantic relationship. As with any relationship, compassion and teamwork play a major role in the success of the connection. Building a healthy, strong connection can be challenging for anyone but, if you have a partner with ADHD, those obstacles may look slightly different. To learn more about adult ADHD, read our past blog “CBT for Adult ADHD.”
If you want to ensure that you will have a happy relationship, you should be aware of the effects of ADHD on a romantic connection.
Understanding the Role of ADHD in Relationships
If you are the partner with ADHD, you may feel like your partner is always trying to micromanage you, like you are constantly being criticized for doing things a specific way, or nagged to do a particular task. No matter what you do or how hard you try, you may feel like there is no way to please your significant other.
Since you do not feel respected, you may become avoidant and ignore your partner. Alternatively, you may say whatever you want to say to your partner in an attempt to get back at them without even realizing how damaging your words can be. It is likely that you wish that your partner would relax and not try to control every small detail of your life. This version of your partner may look like a completely different person when you compare it to the individual you first fell in love with.
If you are in a romantic connection with someone who has ADHD, you may spend a lot of time feeling ignored, isolated, and like you and your efforts are not appreciated. You feel like you are the only responsible person in your relationship, almost like you are the adult parent and your partner is the child. This makes it difficult for you to rely on your significant other.
Your partner may forget about promises that they made to you, forcing you to constantly remind them, create demands, or just end up doing the task or activity yourself. At times, you may feel like your significant other does not care at all.
On both sides, you can see the role that ADHD plays in a romantic connection and the potential for that connection to turn sour if not corrected. It can cause a toxic cycle in a relationship. For more information, check out our blog “How To Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship.”
The non-ADHD partner will complain and even badger, becoming resentful over time. The partner with ADHD feels judged and misunderstood, becoming avoidant towards their partner. Nobody in the relationship is content but, luckily, it does not have to be this way.
When you learn about how ADHD manifests in your relationship, you can make changes to respond to ADHD-related challenges and concerns in a more positive way that yields the results both you and your significant other want. Knowledge is power. When it comes to effectively communicating, there are strategies you can employ to bring you two closer together than ever before. Check out our blog “4 Communication Tips Couples Need To Know” for tips.
Symptoms of ADHD that can cause relationship issues
Once you understand ADHD symptoms and understand how they are impacting your dynamics as a couple, whether you just started dating, are engaged, or married, you can learn better ways of responding to triggers. If you are the partner with ADHD, this looks like learning more about your ADHD diagnosis and seeing an ADHD therapist to effectively manage your symptoms. As the non-ADHD partner, this looks like learning how to react to annoyances in a way that cheers your partner on and inspires them.
The following are some examples of ADHD symptoms that can impact your romantic relationship:
Distraction - One of the main symptoms of ADHD is distraction. It may seem like your partner with ADHD does not listen to you or ever follow through on their promises. This can lead to you feeling unheard, unwanted, and unlovable. The truth is that your partner likely loves you so much, but they get distracted by things, such as the television, phone, or even their own thoughts. As the person with ADHD, you may be zoning in and out of conversations and, in the midst of it all, mindlessly agree to do something. Then, when you do not remember later or miss important details, your partner feels frustrated.
Forgetfulness - A person with ADHD may be paying attention in the moment but, then, forget what was promised or discussed later on. While it may be okay to forget small details, this may cut deep for the non-ADHD partner when it comes to forgetting big things, such as your significant other’s birthday or your wedding anniversary.
Impulsivity - If you have ADHD, you may find yourself just blurting out things without thinking deeply about them first. This can easily lead to hurt feelings for those who are on the receiving end of your words. Impulsivity can also include behaviors and actions, such as making a big purchase without talking it over with your partner first. The impulsivity can be reckless at times.
Lacking organizational skills - Organizational skills can include your living space not being the tidiest to something like not being able to finish a work task by the due date due to poor time management skills. Your partner may feel like he or she is always picking up after you and has to care for a large proportion of the household and/or family responsibilities.
Emotional outbursts - If you have ADHD, you may find it difficult to manage your emotions properly. You may not be able to discuss triggering topics in a calm manner and you may lose your temper easily. For the non-ADHD partner, you may feel like you have to walk on eggshells so you do not make your significant other angry.
Hyperfocus - Just as your ADHD partner may get distracted with things, they also may become hyper focused with certain tasks. They may get so engrossed in something that they cannot direct their attention away from it. Whether your partner cannot take their eyes away from TikTok or the newest New York Times bestseller, it can leave you feeling like you are not a priority for your partner.
ADHD Couples Activity: Imagine How Your Partner Feels
If you want to mend your relationship’s wounds, try to switch your perspective by imagining how your partner feels. It can be very easy to take someone’s words or actions the wrong way and misinterpret them, even if they are your significant other. You and your partner may be a team, but you are also individual people who think in unique ways, especially if one of you has ADHD.
With ADHD relationship issues, emotions may be running high during an argument and, in the moment, it can be hard to remain objective and compassionate at the same time.
When you are going to discuss a potentially triggering subject with your partner, mentally put yourself in their shoes before the conversation and then simply listen to what they have to say. You should carve out a time in your schedules when you really have time to talk and there are no distractions. For example, you may want to do this on a weekend versus a weekday when you are both consumed with work responsibilities.
Then, let your significant other speak with no interruptions. Remember, this discussion is not about defending yourself or proving a point- it is about aiming to understand your partner. When your significant other is done talking, try to mention some of the main points they talked about to ensure that you heard them correctly and understand their challenges.
After the conversation, you may even want to write down some of the points that your partner mentioned so you can refer to them at a later date.
When you are all finished focusing on your partner, switch places. Now, it is your turn to discuss what has been on your mind. Ask your partner to do the same thing for you that you did for them- to listen with fresh ears and an open heart.
ADHD Couples Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey
At Anchor Therapy here in Hoboken, New Jersey, we offer ADHD couples counseling. Our ADHD therapists specialize in ADHD treatment and understand the nuances of attention deficit disorder.
ADHD can impact various aspects of a romantic relationship.
Here are some reasons why couples decide to seek ADHD couples counseling:
Communication Challenges
ADHD impacts someone’s styles and patterns of communication. It may be hard to understand your ADHD partner, and vice versa, which is where ADHD couples therapy comes into play. Communication difficulties can cause conflict and general misunderstandings. Couples therapy can enhance your communication skills.
2. Shared Responsibilities in Relation to Organization
Because adults with ADHD often struggle with time management and completing tasks, these organizational mishaps can make your way into your relationship as well. This can create tension, especially when you and your partner are supposed to be splitting household tasks. From creating clear expectations to discovering practical solutions, couples therapy for ADHD can help.
3. Understanding ADHD
Sometimes, your non-ADHD partner may have little to no understanding of ADHD and all that it entails. Couples therapy can help your non-ADHD partner understand a little bit more about ADHD while also seeing all of the ways that it has or can impact your relationship. The non-ADHD partner will develop empathy for their significant other in this process, gaining a better sense of their experience.
4. Impact on Intimacy
ADHD can impact intimacy in a relationship. ADHD difficulties, such as difficulties with focus and emotional regulation, can impact both emotional and physical intimacy between partners. Couples therapy can address these issues in a safe space so the quality of your relationship will increase.
For more ways on reshaping your physical intimacy, read our blog “What to Expect in Sex Therapy.”
5. Emotional Regulation
As previously mentioned, ADHD can negatively impact one’s ability to control their own emotions. Emotional dysregulation can cause mood swings, impulsive reactions, and irritation. Therapy can give the ADHD partner the tools required to manage their emotions in an effective manner so it does not have an impact on their romantic relationship.
ADHD couples counseling offers a range of benefits, including some of the following:
Enhanced communication skills
An understanding of ADHD
Conflict resolution skills
Fortifying of emotional bonds
Set clear expectations
Reduction of emotional distress
Increased overall satisfaction with the relationship
Promotion of empathy
At the end of the day, it is all about working together as a team. Just because one partner has ADHD, it does not mean that they are alone in their ADHD journey. There are ways to create a fulfilling relationship, from improving communication skills to attending couples therapy for ADHD near you. At Anchor Therapy, we have ADHD therapists who can help both the individual and the couple overcome their ADHD-related concerns.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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