When you think of your children, do automatic thoughts of guilt come to mind? Maybe you blame yourself for your child getting their cold. Maybe you are filled with a sense of wrongdoing after having to work extra shifts to pay the bills.
You may have a little voice in your head that keeps telling you that you are not enough. No matter what you do or how much you sacrifice, you could always be doing more and doing things in a more efficient manner. When you feel this way, it is important to remember that you are not alone, and you do not need to feed into your mom guilt.
Overcoming mom guilt is a unique journey since it looks different to everyone. For example, you may find that unfollowing “supermoms” on Instagram does wonders for your mental health. On the other hand, you may take a different approach. For instance, you may need to reframe your thoughts on what it takes to be a good mom in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, and Utah.
First, what is mom guilt?
Whether or not you heard of the term, mom guilt is something that many mothers experience. Unfortunately, it can be hard to escape feelings of mom guilt.
Simply, mom guilt refers to the prevalent feeling that you are:
Not living up to your potential as a mom
Not doing things correctly
Making choices that “mess up” your children in the long-run
Mom guilt does not have to be over a complex situation. For instance, you may have mom guilt over letting your children watch too much television at night just so you can unwind from a hectic day at work. It may be best for you and your mental health at the moment, but you may find yourself overthinking the impact it will have on your children.
Mom guilt could also be over a more long-term situation. You may question if you signed your child up for enough after-school clubs or sports so that they can grow into the best version of themselves.
Is dad guilt a thing?
Dad guilt is real, but it is a relatively recent phenomenon in comparison to mom guilt. It has emerged as a newer generation of fathers are becoming more and more involved in day-to-day childcare. Many new dads are welcome to this change of becoming more involved in their child’s life, but may not know how to cope with the new emotions that come along with it.
Work-family guilt is not a new topic. Generally, more working mothers associate guilt with work interfering with family time than working fathers do. However, each family situation is different.
Where does mom guilt come from?
Many moms deal with mom guilt. You can feel like you have a weight on your shoulders or you may even feel panicky like you need to fix the situation in an instant.
Mom guilt involves getting caught up in:
What you should do
What you are supposed to do
What other moms are doing
There is no one particular source of mom guilt. It can be caused by many factors, including:
Social pressure from family and friends
Social media
Personal insecurities
You may recognize that daily habits in your life are causing mom guilt, like scrolling aimlessly on social media. You may see other moms planning fun activities for their children every single day or posting perfectly curated photos of their children posing. You may not know the downsides of those photos or videos, like the mother barely getting any sleep the night before to plan the activities or the children bursting out in tears right before taking the picture.
This will undoubtedly spark feelings of inadequacy because you are comparing yourself to something that is not real- social media. Social media is a highlight reel, not real life. People put out the image they want to project, but not necessarily what is true.
Common examples of mom guilt
You may even find that professional recommendations can cause confusion in your life and flood you with feelings of mom guilt.
For example, your child’s pediatrician may instruct you to allow your child to play on educational apps, but limit their screen time. This can trigger understandable confusion. What is the right amount of time for your child to play an educational game? Will too much screen time throw off their sleep schedule and harm their eyesight? If I allow my child to play on educational apps, should I give into their requests to play other games on their tablet? One recommendation can breed dozens of other questions.
You may even feel pressure from family and friends to keep a spotless house, but still let your child express their creativity. However, your child’s expression may include toys all over the house and messy paint sets.
Lastly, and perhaps one of the most universal struggles of them all, is that you are expected to take care of yourself while filling your child’s schedule to the brim. You may over-enroll your child in activities so that they can explore their interests and socialize with other children, but it can come at the cost of your own mental health.
After a long day at work, you can be expected to cook for your children, take them to and from their extracurricular activities, and assist them with their homework all while trying to catch up on other household chores and maintain your sanity. If you are interested in learning more about how you can prioritize your mental health, read our blog: “Your Guide to Self-Care as a Parent.”
The contradictions of parenthood are real, and something that you must learn how to navigate for the sake of your own mental health.
What impact can mom guilt cause on my life?
As stated previously, largely every mother goes through mom guilt. In some ways, mom guilt can be productive since it can cause you to make positive changes in your life and your child’s life.
For example, if your child keeps skipping out on dinner every night but always eats ice cream before bed, this is something that could be beneficial for you to pay attention to. Clearly, this would not be the best choice for them every single day, so recognizing it and making a change is a positive lifestyle change.
However, there is also a potential for mom guilt to become harmful. More specifically, if your mom guilt is causing you to change parenting decisions that you previously thought to be correct, mom guilt may be taking its toll on you. You know what is best for your family so try not to let your mom guilt dictate otherwise.
For example, let us say that you work a high-position job at a company that requires long hours and extensive travel. Therefore, you make the decision not to breastfeed and take the formula route instead. It works best for your busy schedule and you like not having to be tied to the responsibility of breastfeeding; however, one of your friends shame you for not doing it. They may talk about the medical and emotional advantages of breastfeeding, thus making you feel guilty for not doing so.
In this situation, it is important to remember that you are only a human being trying to do the best that you can. You may feel attacked or like you are not a good mother by making a decision that fits your lifestyle. If something like this occurs in your life, it can be a sign that your mom guilt is bigger and more serious than you thought.
Is mom guilt serious?
If you get an intrusive thought once in a while about mom guilt, it is generally not cause for concern. We have thousands of thoughts a day and it is common that your thoughts are related to one of the most important things in your life- your family. It is a good and healthy sign if you are able to dismiss these thoughts just as fast as they come.
On the other hand, if you are struggling to get past these negative thoughts and are consumed with mom guilt, it can be serious. Mom guilt can be so widespread that it hinders your ability to parent or even function like a normal adult.
Mom guilt can cause extreme levels of anxiety and depression. It could even be that you are dealing with Postpartum Depression (PPD).
If you want to heal, it starts with halting subconscious comparisons and taking back your confidence to allow you to make your own decisions for your family once again.
I have mom guilt. Can a postpartum therapist at Anchor Therapy help me?
Absolutely!
Having a trusted professional, like a maternal mental health therapist, to talk to about your mom guilt is an amazing investment into your mental health and the mental health of your family members. When one person is struggling, other members of the family unit can be impacted by that shift.
Postnatal therapy can help you understand many facets of your mom guilt, from what triggers it to how you can properly manage it while keeping your family’s needs a priority.
As noted before, dads can struggle with parenting guilt too. If this is the case for you, a therapist for adults who specializes in family and parenting issues would be a great fit. A family counselor understands the nuances of a family unit while being able to identify your individual emotions.
What will we do in therapy for mom guilt?
While each therapist for mom guilt is unique, there are some common issues that will be addressed in parenting counseling.
Identify your source(s) of guilt
One of the first steps you will take in postnatal counseling is identifying where your mom guilt stems from. You and your maternal therapist will explore this together. In some cases, your guilt may stem from as far back as your childhood.
The seriousness of mom guilt depends on your personal situation. Some examples of how it can range, include:
If you have experienced trauma in your past - Childhood trauma can impact you in many ways. You may not understand how it affects you as an adult and the ultimate impact it has on your child. In this case, working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you face your childhood trauma and parent your child in a manner you see fit. If you are interested in learning more about childhood trauma, read our blogs “How to Heal Childhood Trauma as an Adult” and “How Childhood Trauma Can Impact You as an Adult.”
If you are parenting with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or other mental health conditions - Parenting with a mental illness can present its own unique set of challenges. By working with an OCD therapist or another mental health counselor that is right for you, you learn how to manage your mental health while also gaining insight on parenting. If you have OCD and struggle with intrusive thoughts, especially those related to parenting, check out our blog: “How to Manage OCD Intrusive Thoughts with CBT.”
If you are trying to improve on a particular parenting strategy - One of your parent’s strategies may have stuck out to you from when you were a kid. Now that you are older, you are looking to make improvements in your children’s life by altering that specific parenting style.
When your feelings of inadequacy come about, you and your therapist for self-esteem may work together to come up with a plan, such as journaling down the thoughts and when they come about. After doing this for some time, you may be able to spot patterns in your thinking.
Most likely, this will occur after activities. For example, you may have chaperoned a recent field trip at your child’s school. While assisting on the trip, you strike up a conversation with one of the other moms, and she starts going on and on about all of the wonderful vacations she takes her child on. This may cause you to feel like you are not as good as a mother because you cannot afford to do this with your child or you simply do not have the time to.
Once you can properly identify the areas that trigger emotion in your life, you can watch out for these triggers and manage your emotions.
2. Stand firm in your truth
Only you know what is best for you and your family. Once you understand your triggers and how your upbringing contributes to your parenting style, you can explore your truth as a parent.
You and your maternal mental health counselor may decide that it is best to come up with a family mission statement. Conversely, you and your family may know your core values without having to put it into words and physically write it down. Regardless, this should be a statement or guiding piece that you measure your decisions against.
Whatever you value, you should stick to it. You may value squeezing in a quick 30-minute workout over having your children spend that extra time watching television, and that is okay. If it works for you and you think that it is the best decision in the long-run, go with your gut.
3. Take a careful look at your circle
Social connection is so important, especially as a parent. Becoming a parent is hard and it can present many challenges. It can even alter your relationship. If you feel like you and your partner’s connection has changed since welcoming a child, read our blog: “Building a Stronger Relationship with your Partner Post-Baby.”
You may have gone from being an extremely outgoing, social person to spending all of your nights at home to tend to your children. It is important to understand that there is nothing wrong with going out with friends and there is nothing wrong with staying at home with your family- it is all about finding a good balance.
If you feel like your family or friends are negatively impacting your parenting, it can be time to mention it to them. You do not want to come at them aggressively, but simply mentioning how they are negatively affecting you can be helpful.
It may be the case that you are not surrounded by like-minded people who share the same values as you. If that is the case, it can be important to make sure that you are listening to people who you identify as valued sources of information.
If your friend or family member comes off as a know-it-all, then it may not be the best decision to confide in them. When you narrow down the people you confide in, it can lessen the amount of unsolicited advice you get.
Overall, parenting is filled with sweet moments and thoughts of self-guilt. You are doing the best that you can do! Take pride in knowing that you are an amazing parent. You can gain control over your mom guilt or dad guilt by speaking to a licensed psychotherapist near you.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark, planning to study Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
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