When you are by yourself or single, you may look around and feel like you see the whole world in love. Perhaps that couple sharing ice cream in the park catches your attention. Or you see a married couple holding hands. These experiences can trigger feelings of loneliness within you.
As if this is not already emotionally exhausting for you, you may have family members or friends who are questioning your relationship status as well. While you may feel tempted to fight against them when comments about your love life are made, you know that will not solve anything or change your situation. You may even be someone who is content being alone! But, if you need a little help getting to the point of being okay with being by yourself, continue reading this blog.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
How to Handle Other People’s Comments About Your Relationship Status
You may have some people in your life who make it their responsibility and business to ask questions about your romantic life. They want to know every detail of your relationships. How was that date you went on last Friday night? Are you signed up for dating apps? Can I see your dating profile? Check out our blog “Swipe Smart: Navigating Online Dating and Mental Health with Dating Therapy.”
It can be annoying and frustrating when people make it their business to inquire about your love life. They may even feel like they have to be the ones to take you out of the “single” box and into the “taken” category, playing matchmaker and setting you up on many blind dates. This can be tough in any situation, especially if you are trying to be content with who you are independent of a romantic relationship.
The good news is that, just because you are single, it does not mean that the world is going to end. In fact, your period of singleness can give you a chance to prioritize yourself, your goals, and your needs. For more information, our blog “The 8 Forms of Self-Care and How You Can Practice Them” is a must-read.
Maybe you are on the opposite end of the spectrum where you still want a partner, but maybe you are going to pause the dating before jumping back into the sea of potential partners. Is a relationship what you truly desire? What kind of partner do you want? Do you want a monogamous or polyamorous relationship?
Reframing ‘Singleness’
Society often likes to paint single people as being lonely, but that is not entirely true. Sure, some people who are not in a relationship and desire to be in one may feel lonely, but they are not alone. Some single people are perfectly content being on their own and even prefer it that way. To learn more about this, read our previous blog “How to be Alone without Being Lonely.”
The sad, single trope is very alive, but that does not make it true. Single people may live alone or attend events on their own but it does not mean that they are crying themselves to sleep each and every night.
People who are ‘alone’ or single are not ever really alone. Maybe you are very family-oriented, you have solid friends, or a good group of coworkers you are very close with. You have lots of relationships in your life whether you realize it or not- it may just not be a romantic connection.
Single people often experience a lot of societal pressure but, if you are happy and content with your situation, should that not be all that matters?
How to Cope with Never Being in a Relationship
Constantly being questioned about your relationship status can leave you feeling like there is something wrong with you or what you want out of life. Maybe you are someone who has only gone on a few dates or no dates at all. If you are not interested in having a romantic relationship or do not feel ready for one, there is no issue with that! It is your life which means that you get to live life on your terms.
Certain mainstream messages may also contribute to making you feel like you are not ready for a relationship. Nearly every day there is a new self-help book or podcast flooding the market. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to be the ‘perfect’ version of yourself before getting out into the dating world if you desire a significant other. No one is perfect and this constant starving towards the unobtainable will leave you with control issues on an endless loop. For more guidance, read our blog “7 Ways to Let Go of Control Issues.”
Believe it or not, being single is not out of the ordinary. According to the Thriving Center of Psychology, there are more than 127 million adults who are single living in the United States. That is roughly 40% of the country’s population! It is a major misconception that being single is out of the ordinary.
Reflect back onto the messages you were taught as a child. Popular childhood movies showcase the traditional prince and princess. Typical teen movies are filled with first-loves and reckless nights. Almost every media outlet feeds people information about the perfect dates with the perfect partner. Entire tv shows and movies are solely based on romantic relationships.
You can create your own happy ending and there is power in that! Happily ever after does not have to look like meeting Mr. or Mrs. Right.
Why is being single so hard?
Being single is not necessarily hard, but being lonely is. From well-meaning people may make comments about your relationship status to not having a date to bring home for the holidays or to an event, being single can involve a certain level of sadness and even grief. You may grieve a life of what-ifs or what could have been. Check out our blog “What to Expect in Grief Counseling” for additional guidance.
As we age, we naturally start to put timelines on our life. Perhaps your goal is to get married by 25 and have your first child by 30, for example. But life does not always go exactly as planned and a big part of that specific dream example is finding the right person who fits into your puzzle.
It is likely that you have an anticipated vision of who your future spouse is and what your relationship or marriage will be like. Therefore, your anticipated spouse is psychologically present in your life without physically being there. Unfortunately, you are not a fortune teller who can envision your future so it is impossible to say if you will meet someone who fulfills all of your needs or even marry that person. Without a partner, you may feel like all of your plans are being delayed and the situation is out of your control.
The uncertainty about whether a romantic partner will come along or not makes it difficult to build coping skills. Should you keep an eye out for someone? Should you close the door and grieve? The sadness you are experiencing may even make you immobile, hard to move forward in either direction.
As a single adult, you may feel:
Loneliness (Read our blog “How to Battle the Loneliness Epidemic”)
Societal pressure
Uncertainty
Stigma
Emotional struggles (e.g., feelings of inadequacy, low self-confidence, low self-esteem, etc.)
While it is easy to focus on the negative aspect of being single, there are many positive effects of being single as well. First and foremost, you have a major sense of independence that most people wish they had. You should try to enjoy this freedom as it lasts without having a partner’s preferences to consider because you never know when that might change!
As mentioned before, this is a time where you can give yourself the space needed to explore personal interests and hobbies. Maybe you can start meditating or give that yoga class you have always wanted to attend a try. You can also focus on self-improvement. Think about milestones you want to achieve or perhaps that new position you have been gunning for at work.
Why do I crave a relationship so badly?
Craving love and attention is a normal human experience. We have all experienced it from time-to-time, but if this is a constant need for you, it may signal a need for external validation and connection.
A need for validation and connection can manifest as:
Idealizing relationships
Overcommitting socially
People-pleasing (Check out one of our most popular blogs on the topic “11 Reasons Why You Are A People Pleaser”)
Fear of rejection (Read our blog “5 Ways to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection”)
Negative self-talk (For support, read “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Negative Self Talk”)
Comparison with others (To change this habit, “How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People” is a must-read)
Clinginess
Jealousy
Conflict avoidance
One reason why you may seek so much love and validation as an adult is because you never achieved it as a child. Your formative years can shape a lot of your adult life if you do not try to heal from childhood trauma. For more information, read “How to Heal Childhood Trauma As An Adult.”
If you were denied affection as a child, you will likely go craving it your whole life. As children, we want love and affection from our parents as they give us a sense of safety and peace. Unfortunately, not all parents provide that which can leave you with an emotional void.
As an adult, you may not receive the affection or attention you need from your partner. Perhaps you always go to your partner when you need to be emotionally fulfilled instead of looking to yourself first.
Even though your partner loves you, they may not share the same love language as you. To learn more about love languages, read “Understanding the Five Love Languages to Improve Your Relationship.”
How do I be ok with being single?
The truth is that, for any romantic relationship to be successful, you need to have a healthy dose of self-love first. A self-esteem therapist at Anchor Therapy can get you on the track you want to be on. If you are not confident in who you are, jumping into a relationship will not make that any better. Check out our blog “How to Start Loving Yourself Again.”
There are some ways that you can build your confidence so you can feel more comfortable being single.
You should aim to understand your value outside of a relationship. You can think of yourself as the cake and a relationship being the cherry on top. The cake is still great without the cherry! And, if you do not have a cake, you have nowhere to put the cherry when that time comes. Your worth is not defined by your relationship status.
You are your own person, and you have your own unique interests and hobbies. Think of activities that bring you happiness and fulfillment, including reading; painting; working out; painting; and so on. You can even invest time and energy into improving the skills you already have which will lead to you feeling accomplished.
Even if you are in a romantic relationship, friends should not be ignored. Meaningful connections can be formed with friends or family members. A strong support system can leave you feeling emotionally fulfilled and offer a sense of companionship. Clubs, classes, or other activities in your neighborhood can give you the chance to meet like-minded people and build a community.
Lastly, do not be afraid to embrace solitude! You should try to learn how to enjoy your own company. Your time being single can be used as a space for introspection as well as a chance to recharge. Doing things by yourself and filling up your own cup can give you the sense of independence and confidence you need!
If you are ready to put yourself out there, that is great! If you are not quite there yet, that is okay too! It will give you the opportunity to date yourself, and get clear on your needs. Your happiness is within you- it does not depend on anyone else.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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