People-pleasers are known to do whatever necessary to avoid conflict and confrontation. Being kind and helpful is a generally good thing; however, there are some cases where it can be taken too far. This can leave you feeling emotionally depleted, stress, and anxiety-ridden. At the expense of your mental health, you may place other people’s needs above yours.
Additionally, as a people-pleaser, your constant need for approval and acceptance can create a specific type of vulnerability. For example, your people-pleasing behaviors may cause you to self-sabotage for several reasons. You may feel a compulsion to act selflessly, but it can be self-destructive if it is taken to an extreme end of the spectrum.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
What is people-pleasing?
A people-pleaser is someone who places other people’s needs over their own needs. As a people-pleaser, you are highly attuned to other people. It is likely that you are viewed as someone who is helpful, kind, and agreeable. These are all admirable characteristics; however, if they are taken to the extreme, it can be detrimental to your mental and emotional health.
People-pleasers notoriously have issues advocating for themselves. This can lead to a bad cycle of self-neglect and self-sacrifice.
People pleasers often have traits that encompass one or more of the following:
Low self-esteem (Check out our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?” for more information)
Tends to everyone else’s needs
Undermines their own needs
Generally too agreeable
Rarely says “no”
Says “sorry” when an apology is not required
Assumes the blame when it is not their fault
Has little to no self-awareness
Goes with the flow that is directed by other people
Is not assertive
Only feels valuable when complying with other people
Highly values praise from other people
Makes excuses for the mistakes of other people
You may recognize the aforementioned characteristics in someone else or even in yourself. They are typically the attributes of an overly-giving person who is eager to lend a hand or assist in whatever capacity needed. People-pleasing occurs because the person constantly complying to others wants to feel needed by others.
What causes people-pleasing?
If you want to make progress with stopping or reducing your people-pleasing, it is important to understand its root cause. There are many reasons why people-pleasing may occur. For one, the person typically fears rejection and/or failure. This may be rooted in early relationships.
For example, they may have grown up with a parent who only showed conditional love. The child may have learned that their parents’ love was inconsistent or even that their parent was emotionally unavailable. Therefore, the only way for them to get love and affection was by doing something “good” - perhaps this was chores around the house or doing well in school. If you struggle with childhood trauma, do not hesitate to reach out today. At Anchor Therapy, we have counselors who are trained in trauma. You may also find additional support by reading our blogs: “How To Heal Childhood Trauma As An Adult” and “How Childhood Trauma Can Impact You As An Adult.”
Some additional reasons why you may be a people-pleaser can be:
Insecurity
You may worry that if people knew the “real you”, they would not accept you. So, you go above and beyond to make them happy to receive acceptance in return. If you struggle with your confidence levels, read our past blog “5 Ways To Build Self-Confidence.”
Perfectionism
You may have issues with control and wanting everything in your life to be perfect or look a certain way. Perfectionism and control can extend to how other people think and feel. If you need help with your control issues, check out our blog “7 Ways To Let Go Of Control Issues.”
Past Experiences
If you have had particularly painful, traumatic, or difficult life occurrences, it can play a role in your need to people-please. For instance, if you have experienced abuse, you may try to please people and act agreeably to avoid prompting abusive behavior in other people. If you are internally battling past trauma, read our blog “5 Healthy Ways To Cope With PTSD.”
Low Self-Esteem
If you do not value your own needs and desires, it can be easy to fall into the pattern of people-pleasing. If you lack self-confidence, you will feel a need for outside validation. You may feel like doing what others say and following the directions of other people brings acceptance and approval into your life which enhances your self-worth.
A motivation of your people-pleasing tendencies can be altruism. You may genuinely care for others, and want to make sure that they receive the help they need; however, it is important to remember that you do not always have to be the sole source of support for people. You have to fill up your cup first before giving to others. In other cases, people-pleasing can be a result of a need to fill a void due to low self-esteem. If this is the case for you, when other people are happy, you may feel valued and useful.
If you want to learn more about why you are a people-pleaser, read one of our most popular blogs: “11 Reasons Why You Are A People-Pleaser.”
Is the need to constantly be pleasing people related to a personality disorder?
The tendency to please other people can be related to a dependent personality disorder. You may not need other people to do things for you, but you do have a need for other people.
The pleasing personality has often been connected to the Masochistic Personality which is linked to a dependent personality disorder. Masochistic Personality includes excessive self-defeating behavior. This also encompasses the need to please people no matter the circumstances and the quick refusal of compliments and outside help.
If you resonate with this personality type, it can be helpful to talk to a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). A CBT therapist can help you unlearn negative core beliefs about yourself while reinforcing your self-worth at the same time.
For example, if you grew up in an abusive household, you may experience trauma from those life experiences. Now, you find that you people please due to your PTSD. In CBT therapy, a CBT counselor will help you deprogram your automatic, negative thoughts surrounding the past experience and how it made you who you are today. If you are interested in learning more about CBT for people-pleasing, read our blog: “Everything You Need To Know About CBT For PTSD.”
We do not choose our personalities. They are a combination of genetics, our environment, and life experiences. These factors, coupled with temperament and character, create your personality. Your personality determines how you view yourself, the world, and the way you interact with others.
People pleasing is also associated with a personality trait known as “sociotrophy.” This is when you feel overly-worried with making other people happy and feel the need to gain their approval just to maintain a relationship.
Sociotrophy can be associated with other mental health conditions, such as:
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Codependency or dependent personality disorder
Avoidant personality disorder
To learn more information about personalities and attachment styles, read our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
How do I know if I am a people-pleaser?
Most likely, you are able to tell pretty quickly if you are a people pleaser. However, if you are having a hard time deciphering, self-reflection is necessary.
There are many characteristics that people-pleasers share with one another.
Some signs that you are a people-pleaser include:
You are always apologizing
You take the blame even when it is not your fault
You have a hard time saying “no”
You feel guilty when you do tell people “no”
You are constantly worried about what other people think of you
You fear being seen as mean or selfish when you turn people down
You struggle with low self-esteem
You agree to do things you do not enjoy doing on a regular basis
You have little to no free time because you are always doing things for other people
You want people to like you and feel like the only way to achieve this is by doing things for them to earn their approval
You pretend to agree with people even if you feel differently about the subject on the inside
You neglect self-care to do things for other people
As a people-pleaser, you are excellent at tuning into other’s feelings, even if it is at the expense of your own emotions. You may have positive attributes, including caring, thoughtful, and empathetic; however, these positive qualities may be overshadowed by darker ones. You may also struggle with control issues, the need to over-achieve, and a poor self-image.
While people may hold you in high-regard due to your agreeableness, all of the work you put into these one-way relationships can leave you feeling drained and stressed. If you struggle with stress management, it may be helpful to consider working with a stress therapist. Read our blog “Everything You Need To Know About Stress Management Therapy” for guidance.
What are the negative aspects of being a people-pleaser?
At its core, people-pleasing is not a bad thing. You may want to help others because you know how it feels to be wronged in the past. Or, you may just genuinely have a good heart and want to make sure that people are receiving the support they need. However, if you use pleasing people as a means to gain validation, it can be harmful.
If you devote all of your time to solely focusing on other people, you may find that the following problems arise…
Anger: You may begin to feel angry when you are constantly doing things out of obligation. You may fall into a cycle where you help someone, get angry because you feel like you are being taken advantage of, and then feel sorry for yourself.
The truth is that people around you may not even realize that you are people-pleasing and making sacrifices. So, they may unintentionally take advantage of you. Your back-bending behavior may feel so common to them that they do not know you as any other way of being.
Lack of Authenticity: When you are constantly molding yourself to fit the needs of others, you lose your self-identity. You hide your own preferences and needs just to make other people happy. This can make you feel like you are living an inauthentic life. This can be so severe that you may even feel like you do not know yourself at all.
Weaker Relationships: This is one of the more ironic aspects of people-pleasing. While you may accommodate other people so they value you, it can backfire. When you find yourself placing all of your time and energy into a relationship so someone will like you, you may build up resentment. This person may begin to take your kindness for granted.
They know that you are always willing to offer a helping hand so they constantly expect it. They may have a hard time seeing just how spread thin you are.
How do I stop pleasing other people?
If you want to stop people-pleasing, the most important thing for you to do is to establish boundaries.
Know your limits, create clear boundaries, and enforce them. Enforcing your boundaries does not have to be confrontational. In fact, you can simply communicate with the other person. Be sure to be very specific about exactly what you are willing to take on and accomplish. If someone is asking for too much, let them know that you will not be able to help.
You can also create small boundaries with yourself to curb your people-pleasing habits. For example, you may find that every day after work a friend calls you to complain about their day. While you want to emotionally support your friend, you find that these routine evening calls drain you. So, you may set limits on when you are allowed to talk on the phone. You may even want to communicate this to your friend and let them know when you have time to chat.
Overall, living life as a people-pleaser is difficult. You may want to please others out of the goodness of your heart or your reasons for being so agreeable may be rooted in deeper past experiences, like childhood trauma. Regardless of the reason, working with a CBT therapist can help you overcome your people-pleasing.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
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