When we think of gaslighting, we often think about it in the context of other people. You may think of a narcissist or someone in a position of power gaslighting someone, but did you ever think of how you can gaslight yourself? Self-gaslighting is real. It is a manipulation tactic that makes you question your understanding of your own reality.
Self-gaslighting is a result of internalized doubt coupled with a disapproving external voice. It leads you to question the world around you and dismiss your feelings. If you want to learn about why you gaslight yourself, keep reading this blog!
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
What is self-gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a common concept that many people know about. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation.
It is designed to make a person question their:
Reality
Emotions
Thoughts
Sanity
What you may not know about gaslighting is that it can be internalized. This causes you to constantly question yourself on a daily basis, leading to a breakdown in your confidence levels. If you are struggling with your confidence, read our blog “5 Ways To Build Self-Confidence.”
Why do we gaslight ourselves?
There is a “voice” that you may hear that leads you to gaslight yourself. This could result from hearing an external opinion about yourself. For instance, if you grew up and had a parent who constantly spoke down to you, it is likely that some of those hurtful words you heard as a child stuck with you and even traumatized you. If you are dealing with childhood trauma, you may find it helpful to read our blogs “How Childhood Trauma Can Impact You As An Adult” and “How To Heal Childhood Trauma As An Adult.”
As children, we are dependent on our caregivers so it is not in our nature to question them as a force of authority. We often do not have the mental capacity at such a young age to call them out or argue. When the anger you are feeling cannot be expressed, we often internalize it. This can manifest in many ways, including self-gaslighting and even anger issues. If you struggle with anger, check out our blog “The Most Important Things You Need To Know About Anger Management.”
To end your uncomfortable feelings, you develop an inner voice of criticism. This redirects your negative feelings toward yourself instead of directing it towards the people who caused those emotions. If you cannot directly pinpoint your problem to someone you know or the world around you, it is likely that you tell yourself that you are the problem. This can make you question what you know.
The doubt that you receive from the outside world does not have to just come from one person- it could come from society itself. This is known as “collective gaslighting.” For instance, if you are someone in the LGBTQIA+ community, you may feel like your experiences in the world do not hold the same weight as a cisgendered, heterosexual individual because of certain standards in society. As a result, you may grow up thinking that you are lacking or unworthy.
There are different forms of collective gaslighting, such as gender stereotypes. You may be a career-driven woman; however, you may hold internalized feelings that you are inherently less powerful than your male counterparts simply because you are a woman. You may find it difficult to advance in your career due to these internalized feelings of doubt.
Self-gaslighting is not your fault. It is simply a voice that you internalized out of survival. You are interested in your safety and wellness and, in order to protect that, you adopted inaccurate thoughts. No matter what your identity or situation is, you are powerful beyond belief. You can reclaim your authority and stop engaging in self-gaslighting behavior.
What does self-gaslighting look like?
Self-gaslighting looks different to everyone. It involves the suppression of emotion and thought. For instance, someone may say something insulting to you. As you go about your day, you are constantly thinking of their comment but then you say something along the lines of “I am probably just making a big deal out of nothing.”
The truth is that their hurtful comment was not nothing- it was upsetting. It is okay to feel sad and disappointed in that person, especially if they are close to you. You created a leap in your thoughts without trying to understand your emotions in the process. You automatically assumed that the way you feel is your fault without acknowledging the reality of the situation, and that you are right to feel how you do.
Instead of gaslighting yourself, you can affirm your feelings and experiences.
Stopping Self-Gaslighting: Try It!
One of the most powerful ways to stop gaslighting yourself is affirming yourself and your experiences.
You can try swapping out harmful self-gaslighting statements for something helpful. Let us try it together…
Instead of saying “It is all in my head” … Try saying “My experiences are rooted in reality even if other people try to manipulate the situation or make me disbelieve them.”
Instead of saying “It is all my fault” … Try saying “Nothing is completely 100% my fault. Just because someone places sole responsibility on me, it does not make it true.”
Instead of saying “Why did I act that way? I should do what they want me to do since they love me” … Try saying “Nothing is wrong with the way I showcase my affection. There may be something wrong with this toxic relationship dynamic”
Instead of saying “I am too crazy, dramatic, sensitive, emotional, etc.” … Try saying “My emotions and feelings are valid.”
Instead of saying “They did not mean what they said or did. They love me” … Try saying “I understand what they said or did, and I know how it made me feel.”
Instead of saying “I am not enough or too much. There’s something off with me” … Try saying “I am and will always be enough! I will never be too much!”
If the above self-gaslighting statements sound familiar, keep reading!
Try grounding yourself by taking a few deep breaths. Once you feel centered, repeat the following affirmation a few times: “My feelings are valid and I can openly express them.”
When you first start saying this affirmation, you may feel like you are lying to yourself. Allow yourself to fully feel that feeling. You may continue repeating the affirmation until you truly believe it. Try to understand that this is a process and you will not magically make a lot of progress after repeating a phrase a few times in one day. It takes time to create long-lasting change. Try repeating this affirmation to yourself three to five times each morning before you start your day.
You may also find journaling helpful to help reframe your thoughts. You can write down every single thought that is coming up for you at this moment. Try not to attach yourself to your thoughts, and write them down without any judgment.
Journaling for Self-Gaslighting
If you are interested in journaling to stop gaslighting yourself, you may find it helpful to have structured prompts to guide you.
You can explore your emotions by responding to the following questions:
When and how have I adopted or partook in self-gaslighting in the past due to survival reasons? Did it effectively help me cope with my situation?
What is one thing I can implement into my daily routine to practice self-compassion?
In what ways does self-gaslighting no longer serve me? How am I exactly being harmed by continuing to gaslight myself?
How does my body feel as I explore my feelings regarding self-gaslighting?
Self-gaslighting may have played a purpose in your past, but it does not have to continue to linger around in your life. You can honor its past purpose while releasing it from your life completely.
How can I stop self-gaslighting?
Stopping the cycle of gaslighting can look different to everyone since the reasons why you may have fallen into the pattern to begin with are highly individualized. Some ways to stop self-gaslighting for good include…
Honoring Self-Gaslighting’s Purpose In Your Life
A sign that you are still living in survival mode is when you are making excuses for the bad behavior of other people and invalidating your emotions in the process. On the other hand, when you are in a thriving state, you are able to live your truth. When you are constantly questioning yourself, you are avoiding the situation at hand and not dealing with your reality.
Survival strategies can be helpful but there is also a point where they may turn harmful. It is okay to accept that self-gaslighting once protected you; however, now that you are at a different stage in your life, it no longer serves you. Acknowledge and respect self-gaslighting for previously protecting you. Just because you accept it, does not mean that you have to like it.
2. Create New Habits
When you have new experiences, it shapes your life and molds your brain. This takes time, but it can help ease the voice that encourages you to self-gaslight while helping you build confidence. In order to construct your confidence, it is important to understand your self-view and how your self-esteem works. Read our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?” for guidance.
You should also make an effort to spend time with positive people who make you feel seen and who validate your experiences and emotions. You can rely on them to trust you as you begin to place more trust in yourself.
3. Build Awareness For When You Are Gaslighting Yourself
You are not going to automatically stop gaslighting yourself. You may carry emotional wounds with you and they can be easy to question and poke at. There is no evidence of your hurt, like a wound or scar, but you feel it every day nonetheless. If you want to change something, you have to understand the reality of it. When you recognize that the doubtful voice inside your mind is not really yours, you can detach yourself from it and slowly move on.
You can do this by doubting some of your thoughts while empowering other thoughts you have. When you question some things, it shows that you are active in your life- going against your natural anxious or stressed state.
The confident part of you may feel more timid and gentle, but it is still there. Now, you need to work on empowering this aspect of yourself. You have an important message to share with yourself and the world around you, but you have not given it the time to properly nourish and cultivate it.
4. Work With A Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Therapist
CBT counseling involves changing your automatic negative thoughts in favor of more positive thoughts that are rooted in reality. It is a common type of talk therapy that encourages you to view challenging situations more clearly so you can respond to them effectively.
At Anchor Therapy, all of our therapists have extensive training in CBT techniques, and are here to help you every step of the way as you battle self-gaslighting. CBT therapy is helpful in that it can teach anyone how to better manage stressful life situations, including false intrusive thoughts.
CBT helps you address emotional challenges. It can assist with:
Overcoming emotional trauma (Read our blog “Everything You Need To Know About CBT For PTSD” for more information)
Coping with grief or loss (Read our blog “What To Expect In Grief Counseling”)
Coping with stressful life transitions (Check out our blog “The Best Ways To Cope With Life Transitions”)
Managing symptoms of a mental illness
Identifying ways to manage emotions
Coping with an illness
Resolving relationship conflicts to learn better ways to communicate
Overall, if you are struggling with self-gaslighting, please know that you are not alone. You can acknowledge the role that self-gaslighting once played in your life while recognizing that it no longer serves you. Do not judge your feelings- allow yourself to feel them and meet yourself where you are. Working towards releasing your inner critic is not easy. If you need assistance, do not hesitate to reach out today to work with one of our trained CBT therapists.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
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