If you find it difficult to deal with your in-laws, you are not alone. On some level, every couple struggles with their in-laws from time to time. Just because you may be dealing with some issues with your in-laws, it does not mean that you have an unhealthy relationship. It all comes down to how you tackle the problem together as a team. If you believe you may be in an unhealthy partnership, check out our blog “How To Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship.”
What you will learn quickly through your exploration together as a couple in mental health counseling sessions is that seeing eye-to-eye with your partner about your in-laws matters more than seeing eye-to-eye with your in-laws.
Learning how to build a relationship with your in-laws is challenging for many couples. You can choose to view it as a chore that you want to quickly and insufficiently fix or as a ‘project’ to tackle together as a couple. This ‘project’ includes communication, trust, and effort.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
Why are in-laws a common point of contention for many couples?
When you meet and decide to build a life with a significant other, you are not only accepting them, but you are also accepting their family, customs, and values. In-laws often come with habits and traditions that may vary from yourself and your background. Regardless of these differences, you are expected to function as a family.
Your in-laws will become a deep part of your relationship. At times, this can feel invasive and, naturally, triggers a threat response on both sides.
What is a threat response?
A threat response is a natural response that one has to a situation that may seem intimidating. When you experience these emotion-driven misinterpretations, it can signal that there may be trouble in your relationship.
Threat emotions, like anxiety and anger, can lead to the following in relationships:
An increase in accusations
A loss of trust
A decline in emotional and physical intimacy
To better understand how the threat response is automatic, you can try to imagine an alarm system in your brain. Your brain’s alarm system is running 24/7 unconsciously in the background, keeping alert for any threats to your psychological or physical needs. As soon as your brain picks up on a threat, you are flooded with numerous coping mechanisms. Unfortunately, these coping skills may not always be the healthiest options available to you.
Once a danger is perceived, you enter a state of fight-or-flight. The fight-or-flight response refers to an automatic physiological reaction to an occurrence that is viewed as stressful and/or scary. The anxiety or anger you may experience as a response is completely normal (although it may be unwanted). These are organic responses signaling to you that something is off, encouraging you to take self-protective measures.
The problem is that the threat is not always as severe and dire as your brain may lead you to believe. This evolutionary action was helpful for the cavemen, but much less needed when it comes to modern relationships and family dynamics.
How do emotion-driven misinterpretations make you misinterpret your partner and family?
The truth is that you are dependent on your partner for basic psychological needs- and, no this does not cross the line of being codependent. Since you are close to your partner, it is understandable that you can easily get triggered when in an intimate relationship. There is quite frankly no other situation where you feel so attached or rejected, or respected or undervalued. Whenever there is a perceived threat to this partnership, uncomfortable emotions may arise, giving way to anxiety and anger.
These emotion-driven misinterpretations that come from your interactions with your in-laws may lead you to view your significant other as the enemy instead of your partner in life.
Your automatic emotional interpretations can make you view your partner as…
Disrespectful
Unfair
Untrustworthy
Detached and cold
Why do my in-laws trigger me?
Every family situation is unique, therefore your triggers are unique. With that being said, it can still be helpful to learn common underlying tensions that can help you view your relationship with your in-laws through a different lens.
While your in-laws are motivated to get along with you for the sake of their child and the potential for growth to the family, such as children, there may not be an automatic love for their child-in-law and that is perfectly okay. Each person moves at a different rate, and everyone’s comfort level is different. It may take longer than you would like for your in-laws to warm up to you.
Another common issue with in-laws that is seen are issues surrounding competitiveness. A common familial stereotype is a mother-in-law being competitive with her daughter-in-law in an effort to “prove” she knows and loves the son more. Additionally, your in-laws may feel like they have to compete with your parents for closeness.
At the end of the day, you want to know that you are the most important person in your partner’s life. You want assurance that your relationship is solid, and that your partner will always be there for you when needed, comprehending your feelings.
In-laws typically become an issue when you feel like you are less important than them in your partnership. Perhaps you feel like your wife does not stick up for you to her ‘overbearing’ mother. Or you may think that your husband just does not understand your feelings.
Does my and my partner’s family history and patterns impact our connection?
Absolutely. When beginning a relationship, it is important to recognize and discuss your family history. Are your partners divorced? Are you part of a blended family? Did your parents separate and get back together? Did they get remarried to different partners?
Although many couples say that they do this, you may not be getting past surface-level conversation about the topic.
The way you grow up impacts your loyalty and the way you view relationships. For example, let us say that you grew up in an environment where you had to be hyper-independent from a young age. This may result in you becoming an avoidant attached partner. Avoidant attachment is when you did not receive the care and attention you needed to develop a healthy relationship with your parent(s) or caregiver. If you are struggling with trauma from your childhood, check out one of our most popular blogs “How To Heal Childhood Trauma As An Adult.”
As someone with an avoidant attachment style, you may experience the following symptoms:
Avoiding emotional closeness in relationships
Suppressing emotions
Having a strong sense of independence
Withdrawing and coping with hard situations on your own
Feeling as though your partner is being emotionally clingy when they just want to be emotionally closer
Fearing rejection
Having feelings of high self-esteem while viewing other people negatively
Being overly-focused on your needs and comforts
There are a total of four attachment styles:
Avoidant-dismissive attachment
Secure attachment
Anxious-preoccupied attachment (Also known as the ambivalent attachment style)
Disorganized attachment
If you are interested in learning more about the four attachment styles, read our blog post “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
How can my partner and I work together to solve our in-law issues?
The first step in beginning to solve any problems you may have with your in-laws is to not pin you and your partner against one another. Remember that it is you both of you together as a couple against the issue.
After discussing your family backgrounds and recognizing patterns, it can be helpful to explore your relationship together.
Here are some guiding questions that may be helpful when first starting your in-law discussions…
What happens in our relationship when we are triggered by our in-laws?
Identify your three biggest concerns when it comes to your in-laws and work to identify the feelings linked to those problems. Then, share and discuss them with your partner.
Do you feel trapped between your partner and your parents?
Do you feel excluded or judged by your in-laws? Or does the issue primarily concern your partner and how they treat you around your in-laws?
Lastly, what do you both now do with your newly-identified feelings? Is your first reaction to talk it through? On the other hand, do you get defensive, shut down, and/or take it out on your significant other?
Your in-law issue may be painfully obvious. For instance, maybe your father-in-law makes comments out in the open about how you are not good enough for his daughter. His intentions for his daughter may be good, but it is not helpful for you, her, or your relationship! This can easily trigger you and breed automatic emotional interpretations as discussed earlier in this blog.
Underneath the brave face you are putting on, it hurts to not be accepted as a member of the family. It can even be scary to think about all of the contention your in-laws can cause in your relationship.
Luckily, working side-by-side with your partner will always help your relationship rather than cause further damage. With hard work and, of course, love, your relationship can be saved.
How can a family therapist help with my in-law problems?
If you and your partner find yourselves in constant arguments regarding your in-laws, it may be time to seek mental health counseling, whether as a couple or a family. It can be easy to get caught up in a negative cycle where hurt feelings are piling up and stand-offs are occurring.
At Anchor Therapy, we have fully-licensed family therapists who are trained to deal with issues regarding extended family.
In family counseling, you will learn to…
Set appropriate boundaries
Be on the same page as your significant other
Give and take advice from your in-laws
Verbalize your feelings
Manage your stress from your in-laws
Read “How To Decide If Family Counseling Is The Right Fit For You” for more information. If you feel like family counseling is not right for your situation, couples therapy is also a great option. What is important is that you get help for your relationship before the damage is done.
How can a couples counselor at Anchor Therapy help my relationship?
There are many things that you may find off-putting about your in-laws. Maybe they have a different way of resolving conflict than you or perhaps they have different ideas of what a relationship should look like. Maybe they have different political views which can make you feel uncomfortable.
Luckily, in couples therapy, you and your partner are free to explore these issues in a private space without your in-laws present. This can alleviate some of the pressure you may be feeling, and give you the freedom to verbalize your thoughts and emotions.
It can be hard to find a healthy middle ground that respects your family’s integrity but, with the help of a couples therapist, you can learn to find this space while respecting your partner and their needs.
Check out our blog “5 Ways To Solve Common Relationship Problems” to see if couples counseling is the right fit for your partnership.
At Anchor Therapy, our family counselors and couples therapists offer in-person sessions at our downtown Hoboken, NJ location. Additionally, we offer online therapy to NJ residents of Bergen County, Montclair, Jersey City; and residents of North Carolina, New York, Utah, and Florida. We are here to support you and your family in whatever way you need.
Whether you just want an upcoming vacation to go smoothly with your in-laws or you are experiencing persistent issues, internal family systems therapy can help. Your Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, also known as a LMFT, will help you recognize familial patterns, teach you how to verbalize your thoughts and feelings, and encourage open communication with your partner and/or family for success.
Healthy couples understand that dealing with in-laws is not easy, and it requires hard work on both parts to make a relationship work. Once you understand the patterns occurring in your relationship and comprehend your partner’s feelings, you can figure out what boundaries are important to have for you both as a couple to safeguard your relationship. It is important to not only consider your in-laws’ wants and needs, but also prioritize the health of your partnership.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Office Manager at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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