Perfectionism is often seen as a good thing. Since when has wanting things to be too perfect a problem? In reality, being a perfectionist can be a double-edged sword. Perhaps you are a self-described overachiever. You excel no matter where you are- at home with family and taking care of children, at work as a business owner, or in school getting a graduate degree for example. While this is all great, being a perfectionist can be a bit of a liability as well. It just depends where you are on the scale of perfectionism.
As a perfectionist, you may judge yourself in an excessive and overly-critical way. You have high standards for yourself, and you refuse to settle for less. In this way, perfectionism can manifest by being self-critical. It can even extend to wanting to control the people around you or other situations you are in. To learn more, check out our popular blog “7 Ways to Let Go or Control Issues.”
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Defining Perfectionism
Perfectionists are often viewed in a one-dimensional lens as a high achiever. Perfectionists are not unlike high achievers in that they set their sights high on a particular achievement and then work extremely hard to obtain their goal. However, a high achiever will be content with their hard work and knowing that they achieved their goal.
On the other hand, a perfectionist accepts nothing less than perfection. Even minor flaws are considered a failure according to a perfectionist. That is to say, you may have an all-or-nothing thinking pattern as a perfectionist.
Perfectionists have a tendency to set rigid or flawless goals for themselves. The demands they place on themselves are quite excessive and they may even extend these demands to the loved ones close to them.
Perfectionists often have high standards in virtually all areas of life, like:
Academic achievement
Career goals
Financial success
Athletic ability
Artistic performance
Organization
Cleanliness
Timeliness
Physical appearance
Family
Adherence to a religious or moral code
Perfectionism is not a mental health condition or disorder- it is a personality trait. With that being said, people with perfectionistic tendencies tend to have high rates of developing mental health disorders, such as anxiety, depression, and even eating disorders.
Perfectionists are more likely to develop mental health conditions due to the following reasons:
High standards:
Perfectionists set very high standards for themselves and other people. It is only inevitable that they will eventually fall short in some domain in life, resulting in stress, disappointment, and frustration.
Self-criticism:
Perfectionistic people tend to be very self-critical which can create feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and depression. To change your habit of self-criticism, read our blog “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Negative Self-Talk.”
Effect on relationships:
Perfectionism can take its toll on relationships since you may hold your significant other or other loved ones to too high of a standard. This could potentially lead to social isolation, frustration, and conflict.
Physical health impact:
You may experience chronic stress from your perfectionistic tendencies. This can cause physical problems, including insomnia, headaches, and digestive problems. Check out our blog “5 Ways to Nurture Your Mind-Body Connection” to learn more.
Fear of failure:
One of the biggest fears of perfectionists is a fear of failure. This may make you afraid to take chances or try new things. It can also lead to anxiety and possible avoidance behaviors.
Striving for excellence can be a good thing, as is the case with adaptive perfectionism. You are conscientious and organized with your ambitious goals. This can be linked to career success, high self-esteem, and general life satisfaction.
Contrastingly, maladaptive perfectionism takes things a step too far. You have an intense desire for approval, unrealistic expectations, and you struggle with negative self-talk. This type of perfectionism may be tied to low confidence, a fear of failure, and poor outcomes being in relationships. For support, our blog “The Ultimate Guide to Building Self-Confidence” is a must-read.
Some signs that you may have maladaptive perfectionism include:
Difficulty relaxing
Rigid all-or-nothing type of thinking
Physical symptoms of stress and/or anxiety (Our blog “3 Ways to Manage Your Physical Anxiety Symptoms” is a must-read)
Impact on relationships
Fear of disappointment other people
Fear of being judged
Decision-making difficulties (Check out our blog “How Mental Health Counseling Can Help Your Decision Fatigue”)
Focus on perceived failures
Overly critical of yourself
Procrastination (Read our blog “How to Stop Self-Sabotaging for Good”)
Setting unrealistic standards for yourself
What is the root cause of perfectionism?
While aiming for excellence can be a motivating factor, perfectionism can breed anxiety, stress, depression, and other mental health issues. Exploring the root cause of your perfectionism can shed light on how you may have developed your perfectionistic tendencies, and teach you how to manage those habits effectively.
Childhood experiences can play a major role in perfectionism. If you grew up in a household where achievement and success were prioritized and valued, you may internalize high standards. If your parents or caregivers criticized you when you made mistakes, you may develop a fear of failure. For example, let us say that you came home with a handful of A+s on your report card as a teen, but there was one A-. If your parents fixated on that one A-, it may have shown you that you cannot accept anything less than perfection. On an extreme level, it may have dictated to you that the only way to be loved is to be perfect.
Additionally, certain personality traits may predispose you to perfectionism. If you have a strong desire for control for instance, it may be easy to develop perfectionistic tendencies. When these traits are amplified, you may have unrealistic expectations for yourself and the people around you.
Certain societies or environments emphasize competition and achievement which fuels perfectionism. These external pressures to excel socially, academically, or professionally can be overwhelming to manage.
According to attachment theory, an insecure attachment style that was developed in childhood can contribute to the development of perfectionism as a coping strategy. To manage feelings of inadequacy or uncertainty in relationships, you resort to being perfect. For more information, read our blog “How Do the Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
Perfectionism can also be a trauma response. Experiencing trauma, like abuse or major failures, can trigger perfectionism since it mimics a need to regain control or, at the very least, it can help avoid similar negative outcomes in the future. Read our blog “Everything You Need to Know About CBT for PTSD.”
How do I know if I am a perfectionist?
Recognizing perfectionism in yourself can be empowering and lead to great insights. It may even explain certain tendencies that you have or why you feel the need to do certain things during certain times. For example, maybe when you have to work in group settings at work, you have a hard time relinquishing control and assume the position of ‘leader’ in the team.
Assessing whether or not you are a perfectionist may require the support of a licensed mental health counselor at Anchor Therapy. Sometimes, it can be difficult to take an unbiased view and truly analyze your situation.
Try reflecting on your behaviors and thought patterns. Perfectionists often set unrealistically high standards for themselves, are highly critical of themselves, and may even procrastinate doing certain tasks out of fear of making a mistake. Does this sound like you?
You may tend to view situations from an all-or-nothing point of view. It can be hard to delegate tasks since you want total control, and dealing with constructive criticism can feel overwhelming to say the least.
To ensure that everything is perfect, you may take on more stress and anxiety than the average person. This can often interfere with personal time and relationships. Research shows that 68 percent of people believe that perfectionism leads to burnout. To learn more, check out our blog “3 Ways to Achieve Work-Life Balance.”
To help you assess if you are a perfectionist, consider asking yourself the following questions:
Do I set extremely high goals for myself and others?
Am I afraid of making mistakes or failing?
Do I focus more on my flaws and mistakes rather than my achievements?
Do I view situations as either perfect or a failure with no middle ground?
Do I hesitate to delegate tasks because I believe others won't meet my standards?
Do I procrastinate because I fear not doing things perfectly?
Do I react defensively to constructive criticism?
Do I feel constantly stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed due to my high standards?
Do I struggle to accept changes or compromises that deviate from my vision of perfection?
Do I spend excessive amounts of time on work or projects to ensure they are perfect?
Answering these questions and reflecting on your responses can help you determine if perfectionism is running your life or not. It can also help you identify areas for improvement so you can improve your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
How do you fix perfectionism?
Overcoming perfectionism is possible, but it will take a lot of effort and hard work. Developing healthier thought patterns and behaviors is the first step to overcoming perfectionism. Obviously, this is easier said than done.
The first step is to set realistic goals. Your goals should be achievable and balanced, not perfect ones. If you find yourself getting overwhelmed by these goals, try to break the tasks down into smaller, more manageable steps.
Remember that the goal is for progress not perfection. Instead of thinking about the end goal or result, try to envision the journey itself. Even if you make any incremental improvement, celebrate it! Small wins deserve praise too.
A part of overcoming your perfectionism may involve stopping the tendency to compare yourself to other people. Recognize that everyone is unique. Your strengths and weaknesses will not be like another person’s and vice versa. That is what makes you who you are. For assistance, check out our blog “How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People.”
Mindfulness practices can go a long way in overcoming perfectionism. Think of meditation, deep breathing, or working out in a mindful manner, such as yoga. All of these practices can be used to help you stay grounded in the present moment. This can help reduce any anxiety you experience related to perfectionism. To learn more, read our blog “Everything You Need to Know About Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT).”
Remember to treat yourself with the same compassion that you would show a friend or family member trying to overcome perfectionistic tendencies. Recognize when you are being hard on yourself. Notice your critical thoughts and feelings and replace it with more kind and supportive language.
When you find yourself thinking in all-or-nothing terms, reframe your thoughts to be more compassionate yet realistic at the same time. Ask yourself if what you are thinking is reasonable.
For example, let us say that you have a work deadline coming around the corner. You may be thinking “If this project is not perfect, my boss will be disappointed and start to look at me differently.” Try to examine the evidence by asking yourself “What evidence do I have that supports this thought?”. Then, you might consider an alternate perspective, such as “One imperfection is not going to completely change my boss’ opinion of me.”
You can even practice self-compassion by writing yourself a self-compassion letter. Express understanding and compassion for a situation where you did not meet your own expectations. This can help you change your viewpoint.
Overcoming perfectionism involves shifting your mindset to create healthier habits that serve you. By recognizing your perfectionistic tendencies, practicing self-compassion, and challenging your negative thoughts, you can create a more balanced life.
It is perfectly okay to strive for excellence, but that process should not dictate your life. It is okay to make mistakes and learn from them. That is what life is all about! If you struggle with perfectionism, reach out to friends, family members, and even a licensed therapist for perfectionism to help you deal with your struggles in an effective way. Embrace your journey and be kind to yourself along the way.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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