As we enter week 6 of the COVID-19 quarantine in Hoboken, New Jersey, I have noticed how difficult and defeating this time has been for parents. The challenges of parenting during this pandemic can seem endless and insurmountable. Many parents are trying to balance the stress of work, full time care of their children, teaching their children, their own well-being, and mental health with none of the support they once relied upon. Exhausted and overwhelmed, these daily struggles start to build up and make us feel like the light at the end of the tunnel has dimmed or disappeared altogether. With so much uncertainty about the future of the world and your family, anxiety and fear are at an all-time high. This level of pressure combined with the collective unease of society makes it extremely difficult to handle day to day stressors with the same degree of self-control that many feel they once had.
If you feel like you are losing your temper, becoming more easily frustrated, or you are unable to support your children the way you would like…YOU ARE NOT ALONE. This is a very common feeling among many of us throughout the pandemic quarantine. While parents are feeling the pressure and urgency day to day, so are our children. Children are used to their routine and structure, but without it they seem to be acting out in ways that many parents are struggling to understand. While we all struggle to accept this new reality, I hope to provide some tips to help you and your family work together to get through this very difficult time.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with psychotherapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, and life transitions. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing telehealth (video/phone) sessions to residents of New Jersey and New York.
Helping Your Children:
Communicate with Compassion
Anxiety is at an all-time high for both you and your children. If your child is confused and scared, acknowledge their feelings and validate them as much as you can. It can be difficult to find the balance between wanting to protect your children and helping them to process the many emotions they are feeling. It can be a very healing experience to create a safe space for our children to express their worries and feeling of loss. Remind them that it is okay to miss their friends and school, and that they have every right to feel sad for the loss of anything they were looking forward to. They may seem like small problems to you or in relation to the world, but it is very real for them.
Keep a Routine
I know this can be a really tough one, but children thrive with structure and routine. Try and find some way to set expectations for the day so they have some grounding in what to expect. The uncertainty of COVID-19 has created a lot of anxiety for our children, and giving them something concrete can deeply improve their emotional state. Plan activities that will create structure and fun memories. If your child has art class at school, encourage them to draw or paint during their time home. Even something as simple as eating meals at the same time every day can help them hold on to some sense of normalcy and consistency in their day to day lives.
Model the Behaviors You Want to See
Children and teens model their behaviors based on what they see in the adults they trust. The most important first step is to stay calm and work on self-awareness of your own anxiety levels. Be aware of your behaviors and think about how your reactions may influence your child. Additionally, when children are stressed and anxious, their behaviors change in ways parents may not expect. Have you noticed your child has been acting out more? Are they screaming, crying, and throwing tantrums that are more frequent and extreme? These are signs that they are struggling to understand and process their feelings. As a parent, you have the ability to show your children that a person can experience these difficult emotions, feel them, and continue to function. Openly talk to your children about their feelings, and try not to respond in anger. It may be very hard to keep your calm when anxieties are high and your kids seem to be out of control. Try and remember that this is their way of reaching out for help. Remind them that they are not bad even if they did a bad thing, and work to help them identify and understand the complex emotions they are struggling with.
Helping Yourself:
Practice Self-Compassion
As you show compassion to your child during quarantine, try and remember that you deserve some too. In a time like this pandemic when everything seems overwhelming and out of control, we often forget to give ourselves a little break and a lot of credit. Think of all the things you do on any given day and take a moment to appreciate yourself and your perseverance. Yes, you may have lost it on your kids at some point or stopped making the healthiest dinners, but that doesn’t mean you are failing. I often hear parents say they feel like they are failing or struggling to accept that they are not operating at full speed right now. You are going to have good days and bad days. Cherish the moments of connection with your family when they happen and allow yourself to move forward from the times you may regret. When we focus on the negatives, it gives them permission to live in our psyche. The kindest thing you can give yourself during this time is forgiveness. Everyone is learning as they go and all it’s okay if you are too.
Manage your expectations
You may have been the kind of household who had great restrictions on screen time, prepared healthy meals every night, and was able to spend quality time with your children uninterrupted. It is okay to accept that you may not be able to live up to your own self-imposed expectations. Your children will be okay as long as you are there with them, and that is what matters most. Many parents need to adjust to sharing roles in the household that they had not before COVID-19. If you are at home with your partner, it is imperative to work together and communicate your needs openly. If you need a little extra help while working and taking care of the kids, please ask for it. Don’t wait until you feel like you might explode; instead reach out for support and come up with a plan that will work for both of you. This is also a time of complicated grief for the nation. So many parts of your daily life have been altered, and it will take time to adjust and manage the many feelings of this loss. Allow yourself and your children time to deal with all of these changes in any way you need to without judgment.
Stay Connected
People are social beings and it is hard not to feel lonely and isolated when you are social distancing from many you love. Plan a night with friends, schedule a virtual dinner after the kids go to bed, but most importantly stay connected to those you miss so much. It may feel different but spending some time enjoying yourself with friends can be the jump start you need to feel more like yourself. Before quarantine you had many roles in your life. You do not need to give them all up with the distance, and there are so many amazing ways to connect with those who put a genuine smile on your face.
If you are feeling disconnected and overwhelmed, it may be time to ask for additional support. COVID-19 has created a deep sense of insecurity and stress for both parents and their children. Life as we know it is now filled with concern for family members health and safety, along with the sudden upending of daily routines. Remember that asking for professional help can alleviate some of your own anxieties while providing you tools and coping skills to get through this crisis. Therapy can help you with parenting skills as well as help your children and teens process and grieve the impact that this pandemic has had on their lives. Take a deep breath, remember you can do this, and if in doubt…please reach out for support by completing the form below.
Lauren Mandelbaum, LPC, NCC, CCMHC
is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in Hoboken, New Jersey. She specializes in helping teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and life transitions through counseling. Lauren can help NJ residents through telehealth (video/phone) therapy sessions as well.
