Any relationship is a partnership built on love, trust, and shared dreams, but this can especially be true for a marriage. Even if you feel like you and your spouse’s relationship is a very strong one, rough patches can occur which may leave one or both of you feeling unsatisfied or disconnected. If you are experiencing unhappiness in your marriage, you may feel stuck or unsure of where to turn to next. If you are struggling with this, please understand that you are not alone. In fact, a journalist conducted a study and revealed that six out of 10 couples are unhappily coupled. Acknowledging that something is off in your relationship is the first step towards working to a point of solution.
Being unhappy in your marriage does not mean that divorce is impending- it is just a signal that something needs a little extra attention in your romantic connection, whether it is different communication styles or intimacy issues. Through effect and the professional support of a couples counselor at Anchor Therapy, you can address the issues in your marriage and build a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What are the four pillars of an unhappy marriage?
The four pillars of an unhappy marriage are foundational issues in a relationship that add to any disconnection or dissatisfaction between you and your partner.
The first issue is poor communication which is at the core of any healthy relationship. In an unhealthy marriage, communication may break down which can easily lead to unresolved conflicts, misunderstandings, and feelings of being unappreciated or unheard. You may avoid having important discussions with your spouse because of this. When you do engage in important discussions, they may be dominated by constant arguing or negative communication patterns, such as criticism or stonewalling. For more information on this area of concern, check out our blog “4 Communication Tips Couples Need to Know.”
Next, a lack of trust may be present. Trust is important for intimacy and emotional security in any relationship. Trust can be broken in numerous ways, including dishonesty; broken promises; infidelity; or other breaches of trust. When trust is damaged, resentment, fear, and a sense of betrayal may brew. When you do not attempt to rebuild trust, it is easy to feel disconnected from your significant other, defensive, or suspicious about their behavior. If you experienced infidelity in your relationship, read our blog “How to Heal After Infidelity.”
Thirdly, a lack of emotional intimacy or physical disconnection can make you and/or your spouse feel isolated and unloved. Whether you are dealing with busy lifestyles, unresolved conflicts, or are simply growing apart over time, a lack of emotional connection and physical intimacy can ruin a relationship over time. When you and your partner are no longer prioritizing one another’s needs or spending quality time together, you may feel more like roommates than romantic partners. To learn more, read our blog “How to Unlock Emotional Closeness in Your Relationship with an Intimacy Therapist.”
Lastly, you may feel frustrated or dissatisfied when your and your partner’s goals, values, and expectations are not aligned. Whether it is your financial, emotional, or personal needs, disappointment can occur when your needs are not met. Over an extended period of time, this gap between unmet expectations or misaligned goals can cause feelings of resentment or make you and/or your partner question the relationship’s purpose.
What are some telltale signs of an unhappy marriage?
Lack of communication
Constant criticism or contempt
Emotional or physical distance
Prioritizing everything else over your significant other
Resentment and unresolved conflicts
Avoiding spending time together
Lack of support or appreciation
Daydreaming about life outside of your marriage
Feeling indifferent about your relationship
“Checked out” of the marriage
Frequent arguments over trivial issues
Addressing the four pillars outlined above can help you recognize the root cause of your issues together as a couple. That way, you can begin working toward solutions for a healthier, more fulfilling romantic connection.
What do I do when I regret getting married?
If you regret getting married, please take time to understand and process this thought as it may be a challenging, painful realization. It does not mean that your situation is completely hopeless though. You can take steps to understand your feelings and evaluate your romantic connection. You can begin to make decisions that lead to clarity, healing, and even change within your relationship.
The first thing you could do in this case scenario is to reflect on your feelings.
Here are some reflective questions to ask yourself if you regret getting married:
When did I first start feeling this regret? Was there a specific moment or event that triggered it?
Do I feel seen, heard, and valued in this marriage? If not, what is missing?
Have I contributed to the issues in this marriage in any way? Are there things I could do differently?
Am I comparing my marriage to others or to an idealized version of what I thought it would be?
What would need to change in the marriage for me to feel happier or more fulfilled?
If I could rebuild this marriage, what would it look like? Am I willing to work toward that vision?
While it is natural to see faults in your significant other over time, do not be afraid to take a moment to reflect on your own actions and patterns. Maybe there is a way you can improve communication. Perhaps there are ways you can contribute to a healthier relationship dynamic. Acknowledging the role that you play in your relationship can give you a sense of agency and empowerment.
Feelings of regret do not go away overnight. Give yourself grace to accept and work through your emotions so you can make thoughtful decisions instead of acting on things impulsively. Clarity in your marriage comes through patience and honest self-reflection. Regret does not automatically equate to a relationship failure. It is an invitation to figure out what is and what is not working within the marriage.
Is it okay to stay in an unhappy marriage?
Deciding whether or not to leave your marriage is a deeply personal decision. The decision is ultimately up to you, and a couples counselor will never tell you what to do in a relationship. You may feel like staying is the easier and safer option. If you do decide to leave, it is important to analyze your decision and consider the long-term impact it may have on your well-being and the well-being of your partner.
What are some reasons why people stay in an unhappy marriage?
Children - People often stay in unhappy marriages to provide stability for their children. With that being said, it is also important to note that children can pick up on tension and emotional disconnect which can impact their emotional health as well.
Commitment and values - Religious or cultural beliefs may make separation or divorce feel unacceptable.
Financial or practical reasons - Divorce or separation can come with a lot of practical complications. Some people may feel like they cannot afford to leave the relationship or manage life on their own despite their unhappiness.
Fear of the unknown - The thought of starting over again in dating or being alone leads some people to choose familiarity over uncertainty.
Hope for change - Many people stay because they hold onto the belief that their partner and/or relationship may change with more effort, communication, or counseling.
When does staying in an unhappy marriage become harmful?
Resentment and emotional disconnect
Emotional and mental health issues
Negative impact on children
Stagnation in personal growth
If you feel like there is room for growth and positive change in your relationship, you may feel more resolved in your decision to stay with your spouse. However, if staying in your marriage comes at the cost of your health, it is important to evaluate if staying with your spouse aligns with your long-term health and happiness.
Whatever choice you make, it should honor your needs and values.
How do I tell my spouse I am not happy?
Telling your spouse that you are unhappy in the marriage can feel very overwhelming. However, it is important to be open and honest with your communication so you can address your emotions and work toward a solution.
Relationship unhappiness can thrive in silence. It may feel uncomfortable to express your feelings but it opens the door to understanding. Your partner may not even realize the depth of your unhappiness. Once you express your concerns, your significant other may very well be willing to work together to address these concerns with you!
Before you speak to your spouse, take the time to prepare yourself emotionally. Reflect on what you want to communicate and why. First, identify how you are feeling. Are you feeling sad and lonely? Maybe frustrated and disconnected from your partner? What are the key reasons for your unhappiness? What changes do you hope for?
The timing and setting when you discuss sensitive topics matters too. When you are discussing sensitive topics, try to pick a calm, private environment where you will not be interrupted or distracted by other people. If you are having an argument or stressful conversation with your partner, it may not be the best time to bring up these issues. If you and/or your partner are feeling tired or busy, it may also be a good time to raincheck the conversation. When you and your partner both have the time and emotional capacity to discuss concerns with one another, that is the time to be open and honest.
You should share your feelings honestly, but do it with empathy. The primary goal here is to communicate your unhappiness without attacking your spouse or hurting them in the process. Instead of listing off a list of grievances, you could say something like “I have been feeling unhappy in our marriage lately, and I think we need to talk about it. I care about us and I just want us to understand one another better.” This takes the pressure off of your partner and does not blame them for any wrongdoing. Instead, it focuses on the “us” dynamic of a marriage where you are a team working together towards a solution.
It should also be noted that general, short statements like “I am unhappy” may leave your spouse feeling confused or overwhelmed. Instead, try to give them specific examples of what is troubling you. Maybe you feel like you end up doing all of the housework and your spouse skates by. Perhaps you do not feel supported in your goals. Whatever it is, try to focus on the most pressing issues and be specific with your partner.
When you are upset or heated about a particular aspect of your relationship, it may feel like all you can think about is your perspective, but your spouse has their own feelings about the relationship too and it is possible that they have not shared them openly. Try to give them the space to express themselves. You may even want to outright ask them “How do you feel about our relationship? Do you feel the same way?”. When they do open up, avoid jumping to conclusions or interrupting them when they are speaking.
Your spouse’s reaction may range from surprise to sadness. Try to stay calm and allow them to feel their feelings. If emotions are running high, it is okay to take a break and return to the conversation at a later time. If you find that your partner is extremely upset, you can end the conversation in a hopeful way to show that your intention is to make the relationship better, not tear it apart. For example, you could say something like “I love you and I care about us which is why I want to work this out. I believe we can figure this out together.”
How can I work with a couples counselor in Hoboken, New Jersey?
At Anchor Therapy, we offer in-person couples counseling at our downtown Hoboken office, as well as virtual couples therapy to all residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Here are some benefits of working with a marriage counselor for an unhappy marriage:
Clarifying the future of the marriage
Encouraging personal growth
Providing tools to prevent future issues
Restoring emotional and physical intimacy
Creating realistic expectations
Rebuilding trust
Developing conflict resolution skills
A safe and neutral environment
Better communication skills
Identifying the root cause of issues
Feeling unhappy in your marriage can be a lonely and overwhelming experience, but it does not automatically mean that your relationship is over or your happiness is gone forever. Acknowledging your feelings is the first step toward change. Every marriage has its challenges but, with open communication and professional support, you and your partner can get back on track to work together as a team!
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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