Are you in a LGBTQIA+ relationship and experiencing frequent conflicts or disagreements in your relationship? Do you and your partner struggle with meaningful connection, infidelity, or lack of intimacy? Are you in need of a LGBTQIA+ couples therapist who is culturally competent and understands LGBTQIA+ issues? If so, keep reading this article!
Couples counseling can benefit any couple at any time, but it can be especially beneficial for LGBTQIA+ couples who face a unique set of challenges. Therapeutic work in the LGBTQIA+ community is different. Typically, the focus of couples counseling, particularly in the media, can be centered around heterosexual, monogamous couples. The lack of representation you may witness is no need to stop you from seeking the help your relationship deserves and needs.
You may feel stuck in your relationship at the moment. For example, your partnership may look very different from what you envisioned for yourself. You may have issues surrounding communication or need to learn how to work collaboratively to tackle life issues. Like many other couples, when you avoid these behaviors, they can turn into patterns that negatively affect your relationship in the long-run. These patterns can manifest as daily fights or chronic silent treatments.
Whether you and your partner are battling intimacy issues, exploring the possibility of an open relationship, or dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, these situations can breed excess stress, anxiety, and the weakening of a connection for any couple. When you couple these problems with identity-specific struggles, the setbacks can worsen the quality of your relationship, making LGBTQIA+ couples therapy that much more necessary.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with psychotherapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, and Utah.
What makes couples counseling specific to a LGBTQIA+ couple?
LGBTQIA+ couples counseling involves helping couples where at least one partner identifies as part of the LGBTQIA+ community. For instance, you and your partner may be married and in a cisgender, heterosexual relationship. Then, a few years into the marriage, your partner comes out as non-binary, a gender identity term where one is not solely male or solely female.
While you are happy that your partner is living their truth, you may struggle to figure out what this means for your relationship and future. You may be feeling angry, sad, disappointed, or confused. If you are in a similar situation and are looking to become an active ally for the LGBTQIA+ community, check out our blog post “How To Support Your LGBTQIA+ Family Member and Become An Ally.”
In this unique case, working specifically with a LGBTQIA+ couples counselor would be recommended. It is important that you work with a licensed couples therapist who understands your unique set of challenges.
What issues can LGBTQIA+ couples therapy help with?
While the approach that your LGBTQIA+ therapist will take in couples counseling may be different in comparison to a heterosexual relationship, a lot of the issues that your couples counselor can help with remain the same.
Your LGBTQIA+ couples therapist can help with the following issues:
Negative communication
Premarital and marriage issues
Affairs and infidelity
Feeling alone even when you are together
Unsolvable problems
Unmet emotional needs
Frequent problems
Coping with the birth and/or adoption of a child
Different parenting styles
Not being able to see your partner’s point of view or understand their challenges
Intimacy issues
Loss of attraction
Overcoming trauma
Lack of boundaries and/or support with boundary building
Finances
Chronic health issues
Infertility
Loss of a child or close family member or friend
Initiating and exploring an open relationship
When faced with feelings of discomfort, you may try to avoid these issues. However, doing so is counterproductive and will only prolong your pain.
My partner and I were doing so well. How did these issues arise in the first place?
There is no universal answer as to why you and your partner may be experiencing some hardships in your relationship; however, there are some common causes for concern.
You and your partner are both impacted by the relationship models you grew up with, and your previous romantic experiences. Early experiences teach us how to communicate and navigate conflict. As you grew up, you witnessed family members confront, or in some cases perhaps avoid, conflict. This likely contributed to your comprehension of interpersonal relationships. Those early experiences helped shape your expectations of other people and how to process difficult emotions.
For example, you may have had one parent who expressed their emotions which triggered your other parent to become angry. Now, you may think that expressing your emotions leads to anger and conflict which makes you bottle up your feelings. In other words, you do not feel safe outlining your needs, thoughts, and feelings. When you do not communicate your needs, they will only pile up which can lead to you unnecessarily lashing out on your partner.
On the other hand, you may have grown up in a relatively stable household with emotionally expressive parents; however, you found yourself in an unhealthy, toxic relationship. For instance, you may have been in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist. The relationship trauma that you endured can be hard to process on your own. If you chose not to seek the help of a trauma counselor, you may not know how to move forward in your life and drag your experiences from that unhealthy relationship into your new, healthy relationship. If you are struggling with a narcissist or a person with narcissistic characteristics in your life, read our blog “8 Tips For Dealing with a Narcissist.”
Being a part of the LGBTQIA+ community can add complexity to your previous experiences. While many people learn relationship models from their family-of-origin, you may have experienced additional trauma if your family rejected and shamed you for coming out.
Due to this, you may not feel completely safe in your partnership which can lead to avoidant and damaging behaviors. During an argument, you and your partner may have a hard time focusing on the problem at hand because you are communicating from old places of hurt and suffering.
You may not be aware of the influences that have shaped your connection. Regardless, try not to lose sight of the true bond you and your partner have even though you may have differing wants and needs. Together, you two and your LGBTQIA+ couples counselor will identify the source of conflict, erase communication barriers, and find lasting intimacy for you and your partner.
What are the benefits of LGBTQIA+ couples therapy?
The benefits that you and your partner will receive from LGBTQIA+ couples counseling depends on what brings you into counseling in the first place. While couples therapy can improve all facets of a relationship, it may happen that you and your partner want to focus on strengthening one aspect of your connection, such as communication.
The more effort that you and your partner are willing to put into couples counseling, the more benefits you will see. If you are looking to improve the satisfaction of your connection, working with a LGBTQIA+ affirming therapist can be the first step in the investment of your future.
LGBTQIA+ couples therapy can offer the following benefits:
Get an impartial sounding board
Get a deeper understanding of your relationship and the dynamics at play
Learn to see each other’s viewpoints
Create a safe space for you and your partner where you can discuss uncomfortable topics
Learn effective yet tactical coping mechanisms
Start to resolve obstacles in your connection
Gain clarity on your feelings about the relationship
Deepen your intimacy with your partner
Rebuild trust
Enhance communication skills
Work on your self-awareness and nurture your personal growth
Couples therapy is complex. It can be looked at as an onion where you, your partner, and your LGBTQIA+ affirming counselor are all working to peel back each layer until you get to the core of the issues. Change and progress takes time. But, if you approach couples counseling with a positive attitude and are willing to put the work in, you will reap great benefits.
What makes LGBTQIA+ couples counseling different in comparison to heterosexual couples therapy?
Counseling a LGBTQIA+ couple is different. It requires a deep understanding of the LGBTQIA+ community and the struggles that they face as well as a distinct therapeutic approach.
The following are some unique challenges encountered by LGBTQIA+ couples:
1. Coming Out
Coming out is a process that you will not only go through with family and friends, but with yourself as well. You have to learn to accept yourself as you are while you are battling homophobia, biphobia, or transphobia.
If you grew up in a conservative household or have been exposed to prejudiced media, you may even have some internalized LGBTQIA+ phobia. Internalized LGBTQIA+ phobia refers to the stereotypical or prejudicial beliefs about the LGBTQIA+ community that someone in the community believes. This misinformation can come from anti-queer or anti-trans culture, religion, or media sources.
Whether you are initiating “the talk” with family and friends, coming out to a straight or cis-gender partner, or dating a closeted partner, being fully open about your sexuality and gender expression is important.
2. Contradictory Viewpoints
Contradictory viewpoints, especially political differences, have always been difficult to manage. Within the past few years, social events, including election angst and the COVID-19 pandemic, have exacerbated that issue.
Trying to understand your partner’s point of view has the potential to strengthen your relationship. If you are open to finding common ground or just want to understand your partner’s perspective a little bit better, it is important to be honest from the beginning.
Finding common ground can be hard but, when you are doing it for someone you love, it is worth giving it a shot. To do so, try to ask your partner a few questions:
What is your ideal dream world?
What does your position mean to you?
What values/experiences led you to think this way?
In some cases, you may think that you are farther apart than you really are. If you are on the opposite end of the spectrum and you believe your partner’s political beliefs are harming your relationship, it is time to have a serious talk with your partner. Frequent criticism and contempt can be signs of a toxic relationship and it can create irreversible damage.
It is okay if you and your partner do not agree 100% of the time. However, you should both be able to bring your beliefs to the table while demanding mutual respect.
3. Open Relationships and Jealousy
Having an open LGBTQIA+ relationship can be thrilling and nerve-wracking, so it is important to outline the rules and limitations of your open relationship. Once you do this, you can feel secure in your partner so your healthy attachment can supersede any jealousy.
First, being jealous does not mean that there is anything wrong with you! It is a completely normal human emotion. At certain times, it can be a way to identify issues in the relationship, such as “threats” from competing sources. Many people think that jealousy is non-existent in open relationships, but that is not always the case.
Just as you would in a monogamous relationship, you set boundaries in an open relationship. For example, you may be okay if your partner sees different people, but you do not want to have any connection with them or hang out with them. This would be a firm boundary, so your partner knows to not bring those people around. You and your partner can work together to set rules that you are both comfortable with.
No relationship can succeed if the needs of both partners are not being met. If you feel like your needs are lacking, try having a more direct conversation with your partner.
Working off of the previous example, if your partner crossed that boundary and introduced you to someone they were seeing intimately, it would be time to have a serious conversation about it. Having a successful conversation about this topic would include telling your partner why you are upset, focusing on your feelings, and using first person language. You could say something along the lines of: “I feel hurt and jealous when you cross this boundary…”.
4. Family and Parenting
Raising a child is hard, and it can be even more difficult for LGBTQIA+ parents who need to endure several unique obstacles. From negotiating the specifics of childbirth or adoption to comparing and ironing out parenting roles, there are many things to take into consideration.
If you are adopting and are struggling with blending your family, check out our blog post “Benefits of Adoption Therapy For Your Family.” Unfortunately, many children who have been in foster care or adopted have experienced trauma. When this trauma goes unprocessed it can lead to even more difficulties. By allowing and encouraging your trauma counselor to work with your child in adoption therapy, you give your child the safe space to discuss their past experiences and feelings so they can move onto a brighter future with their new, loving family.
You may be worried about how having a child will change your relationship. There is no hiding the fact that a child alters relationship dynamics; however, it does not have to be for the negative! It is possible to build a stronger connection together after having a baby. If you are interested in building a more powerful relationship after welcoming your little one into the world, check out our blog “Building A Stronger Relationship With Your Partner Post-Baby.”
A qualified couples therapist understands the nuances of a LGBTQIA+ relationship. They can help bring a fresh perspective and solutions to old problems that you and your partner may be facing. LGBTQIA+ couples counseling is a way to explore and identify your wants and needs to help move your relationship forward in a positive direction.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark, planning to study Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
