If your child or teen comes out to you, how you react deeply matters. Raising children does not come with a manual or how-to guide. It is okay to not know how to react in every and all situations- you have to do what feels right for you and your family.
If your child turns to you to reveal that they are LGBTQIA+ and are ready to come out, it is a great sign of trust that they can confide in you for something like this. This is a great sign showcasing their comfort level with you! But even so, you may have some questions or you may be wondering exactly how you should react. There are steps you can take to ensure that you are building a safe, inclusive home for your LGBTQIA+ child or teen.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
How to react when your child comes out
Your initial response to your child when they come out is incredibly important. If you are unsure of exactly what to say, remember that leading with compassion, care, and love is key. A simple statement like “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this” can go a long way.
When your child tells you this news, you may be overwhelmed with a wide range of emotions. Do you feel anxious about how your child will move through the world as a LGBTQIA+ individual? Are you grieving the future you imagined for your child? Even though you may be struggling with emotional management at the moment, it is important to keep your child and/or teen as the central topic of the conversation. This moment is all about them.
Managing your emotions when your child comes out is important for your welfare and also for the relationship you have with your child or teen.
Here is how you can manage your emotions when your child comes out as LGBTQIA+:
Acknowledge your emotions - Do not try to push your emotions to the side or suppress them. If you do this, they will eventually come flooding to the surface at some point in the future. It is normal to be surprised, confused, happy for your child living their truth, and so on. Acknowledge and accept your feelings with no judgment attached. Give yourself time to work through your emotions as well. When you first experience them, they may be intense. Over time, they will likely soften.
Communicate openly and honestly - Give your child a safe space to share their feelings and experiences connected to their identity. Try to not interrupt them or give them unsolicited advice. You may not be able to relate to their experience, so just listening and offering support can go a long way. You can also ask your child respectful question(s) if you want to learn more about their experience. This shows your engagement and willingness to learn.
Educate yourself - Now that you are the parent of a LGBTQIA+ child or teen, you have an opportunity to educate yourself about your child’s experiences. Trying to understand their world can help alleviate some fears or misconceptions you have about their community. There are many books, online resources, and even therapy groups for LGBTQIA+ parents which can offer valuable insights.
Show love and acceptance - Reassure your child that you still have love for them. Unconditional love is important for your child’s emotional health. Advocate for your child’s identity. By being an ally to your child or teen, you can enhance their self-confidence and self-esteem! For more information, check out our blog “How to Support Your LGBTQIA+ Family Member and Become An Ally.”
Reflect on Your Values - Your values and beliefs can impact how you are feeling about your child coming out. Reflecting on your values can be an enormous step towards personal growth, making sure that your actions align with the feelings you have toward your child or teen. You may even have to be open to changing your perspective. Your willingness to grow will only strengthen the relationship you have with your child.
Practice Self-Care - It can be hard to manage your emotions at times. Try to make room for activities that can help you de-stress and recharge, maybe that means exercise or meditation. If you need a break, it is okay to take one. Try to achieve a healthy balance between managing your own needs and your child’s needs. For more information, read our blog “Your Guide to Self-Care As A Parent.”
Focus on the future - Be optimistic about your child’s future! What matters the most is that your child feels loved and accepted. Educating yourself and staying up-to-date on LGBTQIA+ issues will help you support your child effectively.
For additional support and guidance, our blog “How to Regulate Your Emotions” is a must-read.
In addition to managing your own emotions, focus on being welcome towards your child or teen, staying curious, and affirming their experience. You should consider that your child may be scared to share their experience with you even if you both have a close relationship.They may be worried that it will change your relationship as they know it forever.
When you respond to your child, have a warm tone and welcoming body language to make sure that they feel safe in their discussions with you. It is okay to admit what you do not know to your child. For example, if your child comes out as nonbinary, meaning that they do not identify as either male or female, you may not know exactly what that means. Can you still refer to them as your daughter or son? What kind of pronouns are they now going by? Try to stay curious, and show your child that you are making an effort to learn more about them and their identity.
You may feel nervous to ask your child questions about the LGBTQIA+ community and coming out process. The truth is that it can be a nerve-wracking experience, but as long as you keep your child’s emotions in mind, you should be okay. Do not be afraid to ask your child how they are feeling. You love them and asking appropriate questions about their experience and identity does not change that.
The shape of this first conversation will inform the future of you and your child’s relationship. Do not be afraid to follow your child’s lead. Let them express how much or how little they want. This will only empower your child.
What if I do not know what to say to my child when they come out?
It is perfectly okay to not know what to say when your child comes out to you. In some cases, it may come as a complete shock to you. If you do not know what to say, just leave room for your child to express and speak their truth. You do not have to know what to say- you just have to show love and acceptance. You are not in charge of the moment, instead, your child is in control of the conversation.
If you feel comfortable enough to do so, there is even power in acknowledging that you do not know what to say or how to react. This can keep the conversation open, and allow it to move fluidly in various directions. Validating your child’s identity may also be an opportunity to acknowledge your own shortcomings. You may say something like “I completely support you and, in having this conversation, I am realizing that I have a lot to learn about the LGBTQIA+ community and how to support you.”
Your child is not expecting you to have all of the answers- they are just hoping for your support.
What creates an insecure child?
Attachment theory has roots in the 1950s.
There are four attachment styles:
Anxious-preoccupied
Avoidant-dismissive
Disorganized/fearful-avoidant
Secure attachment
For more information, read “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
Attachment theory is relatively easy to grasp. The idea is that, when your baby is born, their first social bond involves their caregivers. In most cases, this is their parents. This is when your child’s brain starts to perceive social interactions.
If your child grows up in a supportive environment where their needs are being met, they form a secure bond, also known as a secure attachment style. The child comes to learn that his or her needs and emotions will be recognized, therefore he or she will be supported and loved.
Unhealthy and emotionally challenging behaviors may arise when your child has a hard time bonding to other people. Luckily, as a LGBTQIA+ child and/or teen, there is room for you to ensure that your child forms a secure attachment style.
Here are some strategies to make sure that your child forms a secure attachment style:
Provide your child or teen with a safe and predictable environment
Show affection
Be consistently responsive
Engage in play and activities
Be emotionally available
Be reliable
Set clear boundaries and expectations (Check out our blog “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them”)
Foster independence
Maintain open communication
Model healthy relationships
Seek support from a licensed therapist when needed
Check out our blog “4 Tips on How to Build Close Relationships within the Immediate Family” for some tips.
What if my child only comes out to one parent?
Coming out to a parent involves a lot of trust. In a two-parent household, you may feel torn if you are the parent who your child confided in and they do not want to share the news with their other parent.
Coming out is an energy-filled process, and your child may not feel emotionally safe to share this news with their other parent. You should aim to honor your child’s wishes. Have a conversation with your child about telling the other parent. Try to figure out why they do not feel comfortable confiding in their other parent and see if there is any way you can be helpful in initiating a conversation or connection.
Breaching your child’s trust can have serious ramifications for them and your relationship with your child. If needed, you can consider seeking professional support so you can build a bridge between your child and the other parent.
At Anchor Therapy, our LGBTQIA+-affirming therapists offer both individual and family counseling sessions who can assist you with this process. Our LGBTQIA+ counselors offer in-person sessions in Hoboken, New Jersey, and virtual sessions to all residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida. Check out our blog “What You Need to Know to Find A Gender-Affirming Therapist.”
How to Create a Safe Home for Your LGBTQIA+ Child or Teen
Once you and your child have had the initial coming out conversation, you may be wondering how you can make your home a safe space for your child or teen. Although your discussions will be ongoing, try to be open to the fact that your child’s identity may change over time.
You may want to talk to your child about any items in the home they find to be uncomfortable. For example, there may be certain books or toys that they want to get rid of. Your child may want to make it a point to not support anti-LGBTQIA+ brands.
Having a LGBTQIA+ teen also means staying current on trending topics in the news. Anti-LGBTQIA+ legislation may make you feel concerned about your child’s mental health. Check in with how they are feeling and monitor their sense of safety.
Maybe you want to be a parent who is extra supportive and you want to make pride a center point of your home. Maybe you hang up a pride flag or join the Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) for instance.
Your child or teen should know that you are on their team no matter what. Their safety is likely your #1 priority and that should be communicated to them.
Here are steps you can take to create a supportive environment for your LGBTQIA+ child:
Educate yourself on LGBTQIA+ issues
Communicate openly
Create a safe physical and emotional space
Address bullying and discrimination
Support your child’s social life
Advocate for inclusivity
Celebrate diversity
For more information, check out our blog “5 Ways to Support Your LGBTQIA+ Teen.”
Coming out about one’s sexuality or gender identity is not an easy thing, but your support of your child or teen can make all the difference. Showing your child that you are supportive of their LGBTQIA+ identity will ease their concerns and give them a safe space so they can move through the world confidently.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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