In a world of swiping left and right on dating apps, it is easy to think that the love of your life could be right at your fingertips. However, if you are someone who is on a dating app, you may have found out the reality that it is not that easy to find your person whether you are looking for something casual, a short-term relationship, or your forever partner.
In other words, modern dating presents its fair share of challenges. There are the practical challenges, such as cycling through the various dating apps, finding compatible people in your area, and carving out the time in your schedule to genuinely connect with others. Then, there are the more emotionally-charged problems, like ghosting, love bombing, and even seeing things take a turn for the ugly when you reject a person.
Instead of waiting around for Mr. Right or Mrs. Right, you can take control of your happiness now by meeting with a dating therapist and continuing to read this helpful blog!
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Can true love be found online?
When it comes to finding your significant other, you have probably been told “there are plenty of fish in the sea.” But, if you have been surfing the tides of online dating, you may be losing hope in this statement.
Online dating is a great way to meet people who are outside of your normal social circle. It gives you the opportunity to cross paths with interesting, amazing people you have never met before but, in order to meet these “interesting, amazing people”, you may have to go through an emotionally-charged process, speaking to some incompatible and possibly unkind people along the way. Getting to your “happily ever after” will mandate rejection and anxiety-provoking situations. For some support, read our blog “How to Cope with Dating Anxiety.”
Similar to conventional dating, online dating carries the same risks, like bad dates and even hurtful behaviors. One major difference between the two forms of dating is the always-on nature of virtual dating. You may feel obligated to check (and then re-check) your messages constantly. You may fall into a loop of over-analyzing responses or wondering if your match has viewed their profile recently.
Some popular dating apps include:
Despite the potential for disappointment and potential relationship anxiety, online dating can be worth it if done in a healthy way. Many of the ups and downs of dating are unavoidable, but being able to understand them on a more nuanced level can be helpful in your journey of finding your partner.
Digital Dilemmas, Real Solutions: Breaking Down Barriers in Online Dating
While online dating is a means for connection, it is also a means for uncomfortability from time-to-time.
Common problems with dating apps encompass the following:
Misrepresentation
Catfishing
Limited compatibility
Overemphasis on looks
Appearance of endless options
Lack of genuine connection
Safety concerns
Communication challenges
Time-consuming process
Unwanted attention
Different expectations
Along with the above issues, some primary online dating concerns are ghosting, love bombing, and verbal abuse rooting from rejection.
Ghosting: It’s Not A Communication Style, It’s A Cop-Out
If you consider yourself a pro at online dating, there is a high likelihood that you have dealt with some level of ghosting. Simply put, ghosting is when communication between you and another person ends abruptly without any sort of explanation. You may respond to being ghosted in different ways, from feeling indifferent to seriously betrayed.
Of course, ghosting has occurred for a long time but, with the introduction of online dating, it has been given a name and increased awareness. Many people believe that ghosting is a result of decision fatigue which results from the appearance of endless options with online dating.
If you were ghosted, it is important to remember that ghosting has a lot more to do with the ghoster rather than the ghostee. It is convenient for the other person to vanish, so they do so. Being ghosted can feel confusing- you may blame yourself and wonder what you did wrong. But, this is the wrong approach to have.
Remember that no one can make you feel low-worth unless you give them that power. And no one deserves that power, especially someone who cannot communicate their feelings and emotions.
To learn more about healing after ghosting, read our blog “Ghosting: Why It Happens & How To Heal From It.”
Love Bombing: When Affection Becomes an Explosion
Love bombing is a tactic where someone “bombs” you with extreme displays of affection early on in your connection. While this may sound appealing, the intent of this affection is certainly not appealing as the motive is to manipulate you. In fact, love bombing can lead to gaslighting and abuse. Click our blog “3 Steps to Survive Gaslighting” for helpful information if this is something you are currently struggling with.
Love bombing may even be a warning sign that you may be dealing with a narcissist or sociopath. If you are involved with a narcissist, check out our blog “8 Tips for Dealing with a Narcissist.”
In the beginning of your relationship, you may view this person as someone who is really attentive. They may be praising you, texting you all day every day, and overall emotionally attach themselves to you very quickly. Typically, love bombing takes place at the very beginning of a connection. However, love bombing can also occur after a couple’s big fight or a break-up. If someone belittles you then sends you dozens of roses to beg for your forgiveness, this is a warning sign.
There are two stages of love bombing:
Idealization - Love bombers sweep you off of your feet. You may be thinking that you finally found your perfect match, being inundated with feel-good chemicals like dopamine. While it may not be healthy long-term, it feels good to receive dozens of flowers, texts, or calls from a person you are interested in. A major hint that you are dealing with a love bomber is that they place you on a pedestal very quickly. They idealize you very fast.
Devaluation - The second stage of love bombing is devaluation. Your partner may be very nice one moment and then mean the next. In public, they may act like the person you fell in love with so they can put a show on for friends and family. On the other hand, behind closed doors that can be extremely cruel and even abusive.
Standardly, love bombers try to sniff out who is vulnerable and go after those people. Perhaps they prey on someone who is freshly divorced or single, someone who just went through a rough life transition, or someone who struggles with low self-esteem.
A recent study found that there is a correlation between love bombers, low self-esteem and an insecure attachment style. To learn more about the attachment styles, read our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
Rising Strong with Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): Why Men Insult Women Who Reject Them
At some point in time, most women have experienced aggression from a man who they turned down. What you may not know is that there is actually a term for this response- Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD).
No one enjoys rejection but one’s reaction to rejection can tell you a lot about that person’s character.
When a guy is rejected, they tend to connect it to their masculinity. When their masculinity is threatened by you (an external source), they tend to fight for it in an effort to reassert their masculinity. Everyone is capable of acting out when they are hurt whether you are a man, woman, or non-binary. Our egos are there to protect ourselves but some people are more likely to internalize their emotions rather than express them.
For example, let us say that you met a man on Hinge and started talking to him through the app and, eventually, through text message. After a week of texting, you decide to meet up for dinner. After the night is over, you do not think it will be a good fit so you send him a text explaining why. In his response message to you, he degrades you, insults your looks, and says that he was not that interested anyways.
While he could have responded by saying that he was disappointed to hear the news and wishes you good luck moving forward, he decided to externalize his feelings using anger and aggression.
Navigate the Digital Dating World with Confidence
Let us be honest- keeping your sanity through online dating woes is difficult. Perhaps you have engaged in months or years of swiping left and right, responding to DMs, and reading the standard “Good Morning” text messages. You have gone out on dates and made small talk but you are wondering if your only options are “situationship” or “flying solo.” At this point, maybe online dating has lost its fun feature to you. On a more serious note, maybe it is making you rethink relationships in general.
Some common complaints in the online dating world include:
“I end up attracting people that are not emotionally available.”
“I am too old to find my forever person.”
“All the good men/women are taken.”
“Online dating is horrible, but it is the only way I can meet people now.”
“The one got away.”
“I meet people I like, but I do not know how to initiate the next steps.”
“Once I know someone is into me, I do not like them anymore.”
“Men/women expect sex way too soon from me.”
While these are valid concerns, it is time to take your power back and date with confidence! You deserve to feel good regardless of your dating status.
Upgrade Your Online Dating Game: Invest in Yourself
Building confidence while dating is just like going to the gym and exercising a muscle. You must have intention and be willing to put the work in. You do not just go to the gym one time and automatically receive your dream body. Similarly, you do not just go out on one date and experience a heightened, long-lasting sense of self-confidence.
Consider the following tips to build confidence while you are dating:
Visualize how you want to feel on the date - Visualization is a powerful and popular tool used in achieving one’s goals. While visualizing how you want to feel does not guarantee those emotions, it can enhance the likelihood that you will have a confident mindset going into the date. Take 5-10 minutes and visualize how you want to feel as you are sitting across from your date. What are you saying? How are you sitting? How are you feeling? Try to engage all of your senses.
Know your relationship needs and communication preferences - When you are aware of your relationship non-negotiables, it becomes easy to tell pretty early on if you are compatible with someone or not. Knowing this information is important so you can find a partner you feel comfortable with and spend less time with people who are not a good fit for you.
Create a pre-date ritual - A pre-date ritual can help you feel confident and in control of your dating experience. Before going on the date, you can engage in activities that make you feel grounded so you can manage your anxiety effectively. If you do not know what activities will make you feel grounded, you can try to follow a guided meditation on YouTube, engage in physical exercise, or listen to your favorite playlist.
Commit to Connection through Dating Mental Health Counseling
The very nature of dating can worsen mental health issues, including issues with anxiety, depression, self-confidence, and setting boundaries. It can also dig up additional concerns regarding past experiences, such as rejection, abandonment, and trauma. For example, if you are someone who struggles with abandonment, you may find it difficult and especially triggering when your significant other does not respond to your text messages for hours on end. Another common concern in online dating occurs for young women who struggle with body image who have to choose photos to add to their dating site profile.
Based on your mindset about yourself, dating can become a very uncomfortable experience. Unfortunately, a lot of negative feelings you have about yourself may be reinforced through online dating. Alternatively, if you are working on becoming a better version of yourself, that is what you will attract. You must become the person you want to be instead of forcing yourself to be the person you think your match wants.
Inherently, online dating sets you up to be rejected more frequently. For some people, it can be hard to grasp the concept that not everyone will like you or see a romantic future with you. If you are someone who is trying to heal from past struggles, a dating therapist will help you recognize that this has nothing to do with you personally and is just a part of the dating game. Your relationship counselor will help you feel your feelings, grieve, and move on in a healthy manner.
In Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT), you can alleviate any negative effects of online dating by enhancing your interpersonal functioning and social functioning. IPT can help you deal with difficult life transitions, like a breakup, and interpersonal shortcomings, such as being in an unfulfilling romantic connection. IPT focuses on your current relationships and helps recognize any internal conflicts you may be battling.
The following are just some of the benefits of ipt therapy:
Enhances your ability to be vulnerable with other people
Helps you recognize what qualities and values you would like a long-term partner to have
Makes maintaining long-term relationships easier
Refines your ability to express your emotions to your significant other
Improves communication with your partner by highlighting respect and transparency
Raises relationship quality and makes it more meaningful
At Anchor Therapy, we have relationship coaches who can make you feel like your best self again. Whether you are seeking individual or couples counseling, we are here to help. We offer in-person relationship counseling at our downtown Hoboken, NJ office. We also offer virtual therapy to residents of New York, Florida, and New Jersey, including Bergen County, Jersey City, and Montclair.
Overall, while having a forever partner to share your life with is a beautiful thing, it does not mean that you should have to compromise on your values, lower your standards, or accept unhealthy connections or behaviors, like love bombing and verbal abuse. Online dating is an opportunity for connection and growth but that does not come without its fair share of challenges. Remember that you are in control of your love life and, if you find yourself continuously struggling, a dating therapist is always there to help!
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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