While abandonment is a very real and prevalent topic in many people’s lives,it may seem like the abandonment wound goes under the radar in the world of mental health. Abandonment is not necessarily a diagnosable mental health disorder, but that does not mean that abandonment does not cause mental health concerns. In fact, abandonment can trigger a fear or anxiety of the people who are the closest to you, leaving you.
Struggling with abandonment issues can trigger additional worries in your life, such as the inability to form meaningful relationships with other people. There are many causes of abandonment, from lack of closeness with a parental figure to inconsistent emotional support. Early childhood experiences are one of the largest contributors to developing abandonment problems as an adult.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What Are Abandonment Issues?
At its core, abandonment issues are rooted out of a fear of loneliness- this can either be a type of anxiety or a phobia. For more information, read our blog “How to Battle the Loneliness Epidemic.”
Abandonment issues can bleed into important areas of your life, like relationships, and they often stem from some form of loss during childhood. Additional factors, like medical factors, genetics, and brain chemistry, can make you turn loss into abandonment.
Abandonment problems can be caused from a wide range of childhood experiences.
Some common childhood causes of abandonment issues in adults include:
Loss a parent through divorce or death
Neglect
Inconsistent caregiving
Traumatic events (e.g., abuse, witnessing violence, etc.)
Parental mental health issues - Check out our blog “6 Ways to Understand and Support a Parent with Mental Illness”
Parental rejection
Frequent moves or changes - Read our blog “How to Cope with Moving Stress”
Loss of siblings - Check out our blog “Grief: How to Cope with Losing a Loved One” for support
Loss of pets - Our blog “How to Cope with the Death of a Pet” is a must-read
Emotional abandonment can occur when parents…
Treat their children like their friends
Put too much pressure on their children to be “perfect”
Criticize their children
Do not let their children express themselves
If a child is not given consistent warm or attentive interactions, they will develop a response of ongoing stress and fear. If not discussed with the help of a therapist specializing in abandonment, these childhood issues could be dragged into adulthood. This is typically why we see abandonment issues prevail during adulthood when people are trying to grow their interpersonal relationships.
The Formation of Abandonment Trauma
Although abandonment trauma may have been formed in childhood, it can appear at any point in a person’s life. The overwhelming fear of people leaving you is due to experiencing rejection, loss, or neglect early in life. Examining the root cause of abandonment trauma will inform that many cases of a fear of abandonment are triggered by lack of closeness with key figures in your life, conflicting emotional support, and lack of attention. From this, chronic stress, anxiety, and fear can occur.
The behavior modeled by your parents or caregivers growing up can impact your attachment style, or how you feel secure and safe in a relationship. That is to say, abandonment trauma in individuals has the possibility of manifesting in completely different ways. For example, one person with abandonment trauma may overly-rely on the people in their life due to the strong craving for emotional intimacy. On the other hand, another person with a fear of abandonment may avoid relationships due to their lack of wanting to be emotionally intimate with another person.
Understanding the Attachment Styles
In order to fully understand abandonment trauma, we must understand the attachment styles and how they play a role in the present.
Attachment styles refer to how we formed our initial relationships in life with our parents and/or caregivers starting as children. Attachment styles carry themselves into our adult years as we age and have the ability to affect adult relationships.
According to studies, as newborns, we instinctively look to attach to caregivers who can fulfill our physical and emotional needs. If every time you relied on your caregiver as a child and your needs were met, you have developed a secure attachment style where you learned that it was okay to rely on other people. Alternatively, if your needs were not met as a child, it is likely that you developed an insecure attachment style.
There are four attachment styles and they are as follows:
Secure
Anxious/preoccupied (Also known as anxious-ambivalent)
Avoidant/dismissive (Also known as anxious-avoidant)
Disorganized (Also known as fearful-avoidant)
Pinpointing what attachment style you are can help you heal your abandonment issues. You will gain insight on how you relate to other people as well as understanding how past experiences have contributed to your fear of abandonment.
For more information, check out our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
1. The Secure Attachment Style
Secure attachment means feeling safe and stable in relationships. People with this style are comfortable getting close to others and trust that they'll be there for each other. In romantic relationships, they're dependable and caring, which helps both partners feel good. This style helps prevent worries about being left alone and makes relationships stronger and happier.
2. The Anxious Attachment Style
People with an anxious attachment style have a deep fear of being left by others. It is hard for them to trust another person who is telling them that they will not be abandoned.
In an intimate relationship, a partner with an anxious attachment style needs constant reassurance and support from their significant other due to the frequent worry that they may lose their loved one. Issues like jealousy may arise which can lead an anxious partner to try to control their loved one’s life to ensure that they do not leave them. Read our blog “7 Ways to Let Go of Control Issues” for guidance.
3. The Avoidant Attachment Style
A caregiver may provide their child with their basic needs, like food, water, shelter, and clothing; however, there may be additional needs that are unmet, such as their emotional needs, which leads to the development of an avoidant attachment style.
For many people with an avoidant attachment style, they were told not to showcase or discuss their emotions as a child. Therefore, they have a hard time as an adult with emotional expression. In romantic relationships, an avoidant may feel like their partner is smothering them and they may seek space from their significant other often.
4. The Disorganized Attachment Style
You can think of someone with a disorganized attachment style as having a mix of elements from both the anxious attachment style and the avoidant attachment style. Someone with a disorganized attachment style may deeply want a relationship and emotional intimacy; however, when they are close to getting one, they push away and self-sabotage. For support, read “How to Stop Self-Sabotaging for Good.”
This attachment style normally forms when a person fears their caregiver as a child.
How Do I Know What Attachment Style I Am?
In order to figure out what attachment style you are, it requires a high level of self-reflection and observing your behaviors and reactions in relationships. In some cases, this can be a difficult thing to do objectively. Alternatively, an attachment therapist at Anchor Therapy can also help you along this journey of self-discovery.
The following are some signs you can look out for according to each attachment style which may help you figure out which style resonates most with you:
The Secure Attachment Style
Comfortable with intimacy just as much as you are comfortable with your independence
Can communicate boundaries effectively (Check out our blog “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them” for tips)
Exhibiting trust and openness in a relationship
Largely positive view of other people and relationships
The Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style
Frequent worry about their relationship’s status
Constantly seeking validation and reassurance from their romantic partner
Craving intimacy but fear of abandonment
Sensitive to relationship changes
The Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style
Values independence
Avoids intimacy and emotional closeness
Wants to handle problems on his or her own
Downplays the importance of relationships
The Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style
Struggles with trust and vulnerability in romantic connections (Read our blog “3 Steps to Becoming More Vulnerable”)
Fears rejection but also fears being dependent on someone
Potential history of unstable relationships
Conflicting desire of both independence and intimacy
If you are still having trouble discerning what attachment style category you fall into, ask yourself the following questions:
How do I feel when I am in a close relationship? Am I comfortable and secure? Do I feel anxious? Do I feel smothered?
How much independence do I need in a relationship? Do I feel suffocated by closeness or does it make me want more emotional intimacy?
Do I trust other people easily?
How do I communicate my boundaries and emotions in a relationship? Do I openly state what I need or do I suppress my needs to make other people comfortable?
Are there recurring patterns or themes with my past relationships?
How do I view myself in relationships? Am I loveable and worthy of good things? Do I anticipate rejection?
Were my emotional needs met by my caregiver(s) as a child?
Signs of Abandonment Problems In A Relationship
Childhood trauma can trigger the formation of abandonment issues in a relationship which can negatively impact healthy relationships in your life as an adult. For more information, read “How Childhood Trauma Can Impact You As An Adult.”
Perhaps you have morphed into a people pleaser due to your fear of abandonment. Regardless of how your abandonment trauma manifests, it is usually accompanied with constant anxiety.
Here are some signs that your attachment style and fear of abandonment may be causing issues in your relationship:
Having difficulty when you are trying to be emotionally intimate
Giving too much (e.g., being overly-eager to make your partner happy)
Trouble trusting your partner and their intentions
Feeling insecure about the romantic connection
Jealousy of other people
Settling in subpar relationships with partners who do not meet your needs
Needing to be in control yourself or needing your partner to be in control of the relationship
Many people with attachment issues look for their partners to treat them the same way they were treated as a child.
How Can I Overcome My Abandonment Issues?
In order to fix your abandonment issues, you must get to the root cause of it- your attachment style. In other words, to overcome your abandonment trauma, you must first work on transitioning to a secure attachment style which can be done through mental health counseling.
Abandonment trauma and fears can be deeply rooted, so it is important to be honest about what is affecting you. When you are honest about your thoughts, emotions, and fears, you can change them.
To cope with abandonment trauma, you can…
Practice self-reflection of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are related to your fear of abandonment
Engage in self care and hobbies that boost both your mental and physical health (For more information on self-care, read our past blog “The 8 Forms of Self-Care and How You Can Practice Them”)
Utilize relaxation techniques (Read “How Meditation Can Lead to Stress Reduction” for tips)
Take care of yourself by moving your body, eating well-balanced meals, and sleeping for an adequate amount of time each night
Establish a support system of people you can trust
Go to therapy if your fear is getting in the way of your health and relationships
While some people may feel like they can get rid of their abandonment fear on their own, for other people it takes a little bit more time and effort which is where working with a trauma therapist comes into play.
An abandonment fear can have long-term consequences, such as:
Low self-esteem
Mistrust of other people
Codependency
Lack of intimacy
In phobia therapy, you will get to the root cause of your fear of abandonment while also discussing how to cope with feelings of anxiety and depression for example. By working with a trauma counselor, you will learn how to sharpen your communication skills and learn how to establish healthy boundaries.
Abandonment trauma is often rooted in childhood experiences that leave you feeling unsafe, unheard, and alone. Your abandonment trauma can be overwhelming and cause you to distrust many people. Feeling neglected or abandoned can be traumatizing, but you are not alone. You deserve love and you deserve to feel like your best self again.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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