When you become a parent, it can quickly become the main component of your identity. You may lose yourself while taking care of your children while balancing work and other life responsibilities at the same time. Many parents often regard parenthood as one of the most challenging yet meaningful things they will ever do.
As the saying goes, the days are long but the years go by fast. One day you may be potty training and, then you blink, and you are getting ready to send your teen away to college. For at least 18 years, your life has revolved around your child. You may have been in charge of carpools, making sure that your child gets to all of their extracurricular activities in a timely manner, or having to guide them with homework or additional school projects. Then, when your teen leaves for college or to the workforce, your day-to-day life instantly changes.
If you are going through this, please know that it is normal to feel loss or uncertainty when your child leaves. This may be an only child or your youngest. Whatever the case, your feelings are valid. The main objective of parenting is to raise a healthy young adult who can live life independent of you. While your child is taking on a major life transition, moving out of their childhood home or going to college, you should take pride in the fact that you did the best you could and your child will be okay. Even if you acknowledge the hard work and effort you put into parenting, you may still be struggling. This may be what we commonly refer to as empty nest syndrome.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, and Utah.
What is empty nest syndrome?
Empty nest syndrome refers to the pain and other complex emotions that parents experience when their child leaves home. While you want your child to prosper and live an independent life, it can be a bittersweet moment when your child flies from the nest.
What are some signs of empty nest syndrome?
If you are struggling with empty nest syndrome, you may be experiencing:
Sadness
Loneliness
Anxiety regarding your child’s welfare
A loss of purpose and meaning in life
Grief (If you are interested in grief counseling, check out our blog: “What to Expect in Grief Counseling”)
Distress
You may particularly experience these signs if your role in the world is closely tied to being a parent. For instance, a stay-at-home parent may suffer more than a parent who has a job outside of the home.
If you are crying unreasonably and for long periods of time, it is highly recommended that you seek the help of a life transition therapist. You should especially reach out for mental health assistance if your work, and general daily life, are being impacted.
Empty nest syndrome is not a clinical diagnosis, but it can have very real effects on your life if it is not processed properly.
Is empty nest syndrome real?
As previously mentioned, while empty nest syndrome is not a real mental health disorder, it does have complicated consequences on your life. When you not only witness, but participate in and care for, a child growing up, there are certainly complex emotions that will arise from that.
Some quick things you can do to ease your empty nest syndrome include:
Prioritizing an open line of communication with your child
Address any issues you and your child are facing as soon as they arise
Strike a balance between supporting your child and giving them the space to explore and learn things on their own
What are the causes of empty nest syndrome?
Empty nest syndrome is an automatic reaction to a normal life occurrence. It is expected that, when a child has reached a particular developmental stage, they will move out and create a life of their own. That is to say, a life that is independent of their parents. Empty nest syndrome is not as bad as you may think it is if you have a stable and healthy relationship with your child already.
If you have a relationship with your child that is rooted in detachment, resentment, and hostility, you may have a harder time coping with this life transition. In this case, both you and your child may have some emotional turmoil after your child flees the nest. If you are having issues with your child or teen, it could be beneficial to have them see an individual child therapist or seek help as a family unit through family counseling.
Regardless of what you are going through, every family member’s goal should be the same- building a meaningful connection amongst all members. When you have a positive connection, your chances of having healthy interactions are increased. This is essential for all family members, but particularly young adults as they take a move towards autonomy.
How long does empty nest syndrome last?
Empty nest syndrome is unique to each parent. What may last weeks for one parent, may last years for someone else. Traditionally, it is most common for parents to have symptoms of empty nest syndrome anywhere from two months to a year after their child has left home.
On average, it takes parents about three months to get used to an empty house; however, there may be more complex emotions that come along with this, like depression and anxiety.
Additionally, you may experience an anticipatory emotional response. In other words, you may begin to experience the symptoms of empty nest syndrome before your child has moved out, anticipating that they will soon be leaving. If this is the case for you, it is suggested that you engage in self-care. Read our blog “Your Guide to Self-Care As A Parent” for some tips on how to implement self-care into your life.
If it takes you longer to overcome feelings of empty nest syndrome than the standard two to twelve months, that is perfectly okay. Everyone is on a different timeline as we do not process loss and lifestyle changes at the same speed.
Do not pressure yourself into a false sense of security and happiness if you are not truly there just because of someone’s timeline.
How do I know if I am struggling with empty nest syndrome or depression?
If you have empty nest syndrome, you may feel sad and lonely; however, it does not prevent you from doing things that you usually would do. For instance, you can still shower every day, work out, or engage in hobbies that bring you interest.
On the other hand, if you are struggling with depression, you will find it hard to do the aforementioned activities. Everyone experiences sadness from time-to-time, but depression is a mental health disorder that is characterized by persistent, severe feelings of sadness.
Symptoms of depression include:
Loss of pleasure in engaging in activities that you previously enjoyed
Fatigue or loss of energy
Feeling depressed for most of the day for nearly every day
Eating less than usual or eating more than usual
Significantly gaining weight or significantly losing weight
Feelings of worthlessness
Being indecisive
Difficulty concentrating
Slowing down your thoughts and/or physical movements
Excessive feelings of guilt
Recurrent thoughts of self-harm or death (If you are having suicidal thoughts or want to hurt yourself, call the free Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988)
In order to have a depression diagnosis, you need to experience several of the above symptoms for several months at a time.
If you are struggling with depression, please do not hesitate to seek the help of a depression therapist. If your partner or someone you know is struggling from depression, read our blog: “3 Ways to Support Someone with Depression.”
What are the 3 stages of empty nest syndrome?
Grief:
When your child first leaves home, you may feel like a piece of your life is missing. This understandably can lead to feelings of loss and sadness. The littlest things, like watching your child’s favorite tv show, can trigger tears and uncomfortable emotions. In some cases, this grief may become so severe that you isolate yourself from the world, trying to get a hold on your current life with all of the changes going on. If you are stuck in the grief stage, read our blog: “How to Know When to Seek Grief Therapy & Learn All About the New Grief Diagnosis.”
Relaxation:
After a few months, you may feel relieved that your child has spread their wings and left the nest. You may feel a newfound freedom since you no longer have to drive your kids everywhere and pick up after them at the house. Now, you have time to refocus your energy on you- you have the opportunity to regularly engage in self-care and hobbies that bring you joy. This allows you to develop a new sense of self.
Happiness:
After going through a roller coaster of emotions, enduring both sadness and a newfound sense of freedom, you can finally bask in joy. Now, you have settled into your rhythm of daily life without your children. Maybe you have found time to engage in new social networks, like that book club you have always wanted to join, or maybe you finally took your dream vacation with your partner.
I’m ready to get to a place of joy. How do I overcome empty nest syndrome?
Seek the help of a life transitions counselor
If you cannot shake your symptoms of empty nest syndrome or find that you can use some extra support, it is highly recommended that you work with a life transitions counselor. You may find it beneficial to work with a counselor who specializes in what you are struggling with. For instance, if you are struggling with grief over your child leaving, a grief therapist could offer much-needed assistance throughout this process. You may even find comfort in support groups, knowing that other parents are going through the same thing.
At Anchor Therapy, we have counselors who are trained in helping parents through this life transition. We offer effective therapeutic treatments, such as CBT which can be used to reframe your thoughts surrounding your child’s departure.
Reconnect with your partner
When your children are no longer in the house, it gives you the perfect opportunity to reconnect with your partner. This can be your chance to learn new things about your significant other and reignite the romance in your relationship. A first step in doing this, for example, could be learning more about your partner’s attachment style and love language if you do not know it already. Read our blogs “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships” and “Understanding The Five Love Languages to Improve Your Relationship.”
This can be your time to foster a compassionate and supportive relationship.
Make social connections
Now that you have free time, use it how you wish! You can use this opportunity to reconnect with old friends or form new connections. When you are a parent of a young child or teen, it can be easy to lose yourself in their lives. You may have neglected your social relationships since you barely had time to care for yourself.
When you invest in these connections, it can lessen your feelings of loneliness.
You are not alone if you are struggling with empty nest syndrome. While you should encourage your children to live self-sufficient lives, sending your children off can be difficult. If you feel a sense of loss, these complicated emotions can be expected and we can guarantee that other parents are going through what you are feeling. With that being said, do not feel pressured to compare your journey to that of another parent’s. You cannot simply snap out of it as moving through this life transition may require the help of a life transition therapist.
Everyone progresses at their own pace. Instead, invest in yourself during this newfound time of freedom and look at the positive aspects of your child’s independent life.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark, planning to study Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
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