While many of us know about the popular term “mid-life crisis”, the term “quarter-life crisis” may not come to mind, but it is just as real as a phenomenon. In fact, it may even be a rite of passage to feel lost in your 20s. It is a high-stress time in your life where more things are changing than staying the same. Whether you are graduating college and getting your first ‘real-world’ job or getting married to the love of your life, this decade can be defined by its many life transitions.
Many people would agree that your 20s is a time of self-exploration. You are figuring out your likes and dislikes, who you are, where your professional interests lie, what you are looking for in a romantic partner, and so much more! All of this inner discovery can easily leave you feeling lost and confused. You may find yourself comparing your life to that of your friends, feeling like you are behind in life in comparison to your peers. If you find yourself feeling like this, please take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
What is a ‘quarter-life crisis’?
Similar to a mid-life crisis which occurs amongst adults ages 40 to 60 years old who are going through an identity and/or self-confidence transition, this same conversion can happen with younger adults, particularly those in their 20s.
The concept of a quarter-life crisis is not a new one. People have been going through it for decades to different degrees. The truth is that we live complex lives in the 21st century. Life is not as simple as it was in the 1950s when people graduated high school, got married, and had children. We have a plethora of options now, such as furthering education, which is a great thing, but it also brings along its fair share of challenges.
Maybe you have the urge to pack up your belongings and move to another country. Perhaps you do not think corporate America is for you and you are seeking a career jump to fulfill your entrepreneurial itch. If this is something you are struggling with, check out our blog “Career Counseling: Can A Therapist Help Me Find The Right Job?”. It is possible that you feel so unsatisfied with your life that you are unsure if you can even crawl your way out of the ditch you dug for yourself.
For many young adults, the quarter-life crisis normally creeps in after college graduation. Up until this point, you have always had a track. In other words, your childhood and teen years kept you on a purposeful path- you would start school each September and begin getting ready for summer fun in June. Your teen years in high school guided you towards a college and eventual major course of study. For more information on this, read “How To Support Your Teen Through High School and College Application Anxiety.” Year after year in college, you felt fulfilled.
Fast forward to after college and you may feel stuck. Maybe you have not found a “real” job yet. Perhaps you are living at home with your parents to save money and pay off your student loans. For support, check out our blog “Navigating Life After College.”
You may feel envious of your peers who seem to have it all together- they are driving nice cars, living in the sky rise apartments, and have cushy jobs. It is normal to feel a little envy for their success, but that should not take away from you, your accomplishments thus far, and your dreams. Just because someone else is living what you view to be a good life, does not mean that you will not be in their shoes (or even better ones) eventually.
Here are some signs that you may be experiencing a quarter-life crisis:
You have a hard time making decisions
You feel like you are stuck or just going through the motions
You feel like you are wasting time or have no purpose with your actions
You do not have motivation (even to do the things you love)
You have fear about making life choices even if it is a positive decision
You feel like your confidence and self-esteem have drastically lowered
You are fatigued or stressed out more than usual
You feel symptoms of anxiety and/or depression
Simply put, a quarter-life crisis is one where you are experiencing anxiety over the direction and quality of your life. A quarter-life crisis can happen anywhere from your early 20s to your mid 30s.
There is no universal definition for the term as quarter-life crises vary from person-to-person. There is no set standard of symptoms or a diagnosis but, if you feel like you are experiencing a quarter-life crisis, it is likely that you are.
Why do I feel anxious about common life transitions in my 20s?
There are many causes of anxiety and working with an anxiety therapist can help you identify the root cause of your mental health concerns. But, you should understand that any type of life transition is an inherently anxiety-producing event. Whether we know it or not, our brains seek out what is dependable which translates to what is repetitive in our lives. When so much is changing around us, it is normal to feel uncomfortable and look for what brings us a sense of ease and familiarity.
You may find that some of your anxiety is rooted in the way you were raised. All families and cultures are different. That is to say, you should not blame your caregivers or parents for raising you in a certain way but, instead, you should use this information to try to understand the current position you are in.
Perhaps you were raised in a household that encouraged independence and confidence. On the other hand, maybe you felt insecure and unsafe growing up. Exploring your past and discovering your own voice can seem intimidating, but it is a path forward. In anxiety counseling, you and an anxiety counselor will work together to inspect past events in the context of your current situation. Something you may examine in therapy is your attachment style, a psychological theory that examines childhood relationships for social and emotional development. For more information on this, “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
Childhood experiences and your attachment style affect your behaviors and social life. Our core beliefs are often formed in childhood and our teen years but, as we know, we grow with time. What if you were raised in a religious household but you are now exploring atheism? What if divorce is frowned down upon in your community but you had to go through your own separation to safeguard your mental health?
Behaviors change over time and that is actually a good thing. It shows that you are evolving as a human being. In anxiety therapy, you can identify behavior patterns and try out coping skills to promote further growth and change.
How do I stop comparing myself to other people?
Self comparison is truly the thief of joy. The comparison monster is annoying yet persistent! We all have those thoughts that flood our minds sometimes, but our perspectives are often skewed. The truth is that you are your harshest critic.
No matter how hard you try, it always seems like you are doing worse than the person next to you. But, it is all about perspective. If you are stuck in a loop of constant negative thinking, then your thoughts pertaining to yourself will often be self-defeating.
To combat this, you can try positive affirmations to enhance your confidence in yourself, your ability to reach your goals and, ultimately, to make it through the maze known as your 20s.
Here are some helpful affirmations to overcome self-doubt:
“I am growing and becoming”
“I am enough just as I am”
“I have all that I need within me right now”
“I am here for a purpose”
“I am right where I am supposed to be”
To combat self-doubt, check out our blog “7 Ways To Combat Imposter Syndrome.”
When your brain comes up with a bad comparison, ask yourself “is there any evidence to support this thought?”. More often than not, you will find that these intrusive thoughts are not rooted in reality.
How can I successfully navigate life transitions as a young adult?
Luckily, there are several strategies that ensure successfully navigating life transitions as a young adult. Your 20s may be the wild west right now, but you can come out of the other side victorious.
One of the best things you can do to successfully navigate a challenge is to remain present. I know- this sounds counterintuitive when all you want to do is run away from your problems, not think about them. But, by staying present, you give yourself the chance to practice self-compassion and remove future thinking. You are just focusing on the here and now versus living for a future moment that may not occur.
If you are interested in this, you may find Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) helpful. In MBCT therapy, your certified MBCT therapist combines the evidence-based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with meditation practices that strengthen mindfulness. For more information, read “Everything You Need To Know About Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT).”
Another helpful tip in mitigating your anxiety is to remain connected with your values. Your 20s provide you with many experiences which help mold your values system. While it may not automatically register to do this, it can be helpful to check in with yourself and see where your values and beliefs lie. You may be surprised when you note your growth.
The following are some examples of common values that many young people share:
Ambition
Authenticity
Community
Diversity
Learning
Love
Self-expression
Service
Can a life transition therapist help me through this difficult time?
Absolutely! If you are struggling with a quarter-life crisis, it is advised that you seek the help of a professional young adult therapist.
You need to be able to release frustration and stress you may be experiencing in a healthy manner and life transitions counseling may be your answer. Counseling gives you the unbiased, listening ear that you have been seeking to help you deal with your traumatic or transitional event.
At Anchor Therapy, we have trained therapists for life transitions and anxiety who can help you feel like your best self again. Our therapists can change your outlook on your life while also empowering you to overcome your stress through positive, realistic thinking and healthy coping skills.
Anchor Therapy’s therapists are trained to create a safe environment for you where you can have difficult yet much-needed conversations where our professionals offer evidence-based advice. This gives you the opportunity to take accountability for your actions while receiving emotional support.
We offer in-person sessions at our downtown Hoboken, New Jersey office. We also conveniently offer telehealth sessions to residents of Montclair, New Jersey; Bergen County, New Jersey; and Jersey City, New Jersey; and all other New Jersey residents. We also have fully-licensed therapists who offer telehealth sessions to residents of North Carolina, Utah, Florida, and New York.
A life transition therapist can help you mentally process your life events and examine where your life is headed. “The Best Way To Cope With Life Transitions” is a must-read blog on this topic.
Life is a marathon, not a race
Life is a journey! If everything happened for you magically overnight, you would most likely find yourself getting bored very quickly. Besides, achieving our goals is more meaningful when we know that we did the hard work and dedication it took to get there.
Using the future as a motivator is a great thing, but you should aim to get out of the mode of all or nothing thinking. Just because you did not find your dream job right out of college does not mean that your professional life is doomed. Or, just because you broke off your engagement, it does not mean that you will never find someone again.
Try to take a flexible approach with your future. By doing so, you will find that you have lowered levels of stress and anxiety. Life can take many twists and turns and, when you are not so dead-set on a specific path, you can learn to appreciate these surprises or bumps in the road. Namely, you become more resilient.
Be present. Remain open to whatever thoughts and emotions you are experiencing, whether positive or negative, and realign yourself in accordance with your value system.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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