Self-confidence is the attitude you have in regards to your skills and abilities. When you have a healthy level of self-confidence, you accept and trust yourself how you are. It also means that you have a good sense of control over your life. You take pride in your strengths, but you also acknowledge your shortcomings. You can handle criticism well, have realistic goals for yourself, and can comfortably communicate your needs. Overall, you have a positive view of yourself, but this positive self-reflection is not always an easy thing to achieve.
Alternatively, when you have low self-confidence, it rarely has anything to do with your actual skills and abilities. Instead, it almost entirely relies on your perception of yourself. Perceptions are how you think about yourself, and those thoughts are subject to falsity. Low self-confidence can stem from several experiences, perhaps you are afraid of failure or you grew up in a family and home environment that was extremely critical of you. When you have a low sense of self-confidence, you often have a pattern of errors in your thinking.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
What role does self-confidence play in my life?
Whether or not you believe it, self-confidence truly plays a role in your daily life. Self-confidence refers to the general sense of trust you have in your ability to manage your life. Self-confidence can also be applied to more specific life situations. For example, when giving a presentation at work, you may feel extremely confident since it is your area of expertise. On the other hand, you may feel not-so-confident when it comes to dating and romantic relationships in general. If you struggle with dating anxiety, check out our blog: “How To Cope With Dating Anxiety.”
When you have a healthy level of self-confidence, it can aid in your personal and professional success. Another aspect of confidence that is important to our overall functioning is the role it plays in motivation. Confidence gives you a heightened level of motivation to help you achieve your goals.
Your self-confidence level can even impact how you choose to present yourself to the world.
What is the difference between self-confidence and insecurity?
If you are confident, you are not insecure, and vice versa. Sometimes, a high level of self-confidence can come off as someone over-compensating for a lack in a different area of their life.
If you are trying to become more confident, it is essential to know how someone with a healthy level of self-confidence is different from someone who is insecure.
Confident people:
Admit when they have made a mistake
Are willing to take risks
Can laugh at themselves
Are committed to always learning and growing
Accept responsibility for their actions
Are open-minded
Celebrate when other people win
Take an optimistic approach on life
Can make decisions
Insecure people:
Make excuses when they make a mistake
Are afraid of change
Hide their flaws (no matter how insignificant they may seem)
Act like they know it all
Blame other people for the results of their actions
Are close-minded
Often judge, criticize, and are jealous of other people especially if they are achieving success
Take a pessimistic approach on life
Have difficulty making decisions
Are self-confidence and self-esteem the same thing?
No, self-confidence and self-esteem are not the same thing although the terms are often used interchangeably. There is overlap between the two, but there are also significant differences.
Self-esteem refers to whether or not you appreciate and value yourself. Your self-esteem is constantly developing and changing over the course of your life as you engage with more people and experience more things. If you want to learn more about your self-esteem, our blog, “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?” is a must read.
In contrast to self-esteem, self-confidence is your belief in yourself and your capabilities. Your self-confidence can adapt to different situations. It is perfectly normal, and even expected, to feel confident in some settings and less confident in other environments where you are not super comfortable.
In order to have a healthy sense of self-confidence to meet the challenges of life, you need to have a good self-esteem.
How can a low level of self-confidence and self-esteem affect me?
It is not uncommon to experience a time in your life where you experience a low level of self-confidence or a low self-esteem.
For instance, let us say that you are a young adult who is experimenting with dating apps. You connected with someone and were talking to them for a few weeks; however, this person eventually stopped answering your messages and, essentially, “ghosted” you. This leaves you feeling insecure and can make it difficult to get back into the dating game. If you are dealing with a similar situation, reading our blog “Ghosting: Why It Happens & How To Heal From It” can be helpful. Everyone reacts differently to specific life occurrences- for some people a bad experience may mildly affect you while it can be debilitating for other people.
If you struggle with low self-confidence and self-esteem, individual negative or disappointing life events can leave you feeling really bad about yourself. This breeds a dangerous cycle where you constantly think negative thoughts about yourself. You may begin to predict negative experiences which discourages you from trying new things and simply living your life. This thinking will inevitably produce negative outcomes.
For example, imagine you are a teen who has a low level of self-confidence when it comes to school. You tried your best on a recent history paper but, when you received your grade, you received a failing score. This can cause you to think “Even when I try my best, I do poorly. I should expect this since I’m not smart.” This may even lead you to not trying or even finishing future assignments. If you have a child or teen who is going through a similar situation, check out our following blogs: “How To Help Your Pre-Teen Or Teen Who’s Struggling In School” and “How To Handle Negative Self-Talk In Teens.”
On the other hand, if you are a teen who has a high level of confidence, you will re-examine the situation through a healthy lens. Instead of beating yourself up, you may think “I tried my best, but I’m curious where I went wrong. I’m going to talk to my teacher so I can do better on my next assignment.” You may feel disappointed, but you are able to accept these uncomfortable emotions and move on. One bad score in school does not diminish who you are as a person.
When you have a low sense of self-confidence, you may experience:
Shyness
Difficulty communicating your needs to other people
Social anxiety (Read our blog “6 Helpful Tips For Living With Social Anxiety” for help)
A lack of assertiveness
Is there a relation between my “inner critic” and a low self-esteem?
When you have a low self-esteem, you may develop an “inner critic”, also known as the strong internal voice that expresses pessimism, especially when you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or criticized by other people. This inner critic only adds to your stress and anxiety by stirring up feelings of anger and sadness.
When you trust your inner critic, the following can happen:
You will always expect the worst
You will begin to avoid challenges or situations that may contribute to your personal growth because you are afraid of being judged by other people
You think negative things about yourself
You take your negative thoughts as facts about yourself and the world around you
You ignore your strengths and capabilities
You focus on your shortcomings and mistakes without taking your positive attributes into consideration
You think you do not deserve happiness and fulfillment
Your inner critic can negatively affect your life in several ways, but you have the power to not let it control you!
How can I be more confident and take control of my life?
Luckily, there are many ways you can create a healthy self-esteem and, eventually, build confidence. Whether you feel unconfident about one specific area of your life or your general life situation, the following mental health tips can help.
Stop comparing yourself to other people
Do you compare yourself to that coworker who always seems to have it together? Perhaps it is the mom at your daughter’s school who packs their child the perfect lunch every day and shows up to morning drop-off looking perfect? Or maybe it is a social media influencer you follow on Instagram?
At one point or another, everyone compares themself to someone. This is officially known as the social comparison theory. This theory suggests that we place value on our personal and social worth by comparing ourselves to other people.
You may evaluate the following in contrast to other people:
Actions
Accomplishments
Opinions
Although making comparisons is organic, that does not mean that it will help with your self-confidence. In fact, it can have the opposite impact. There is a link between jealousy and how we feel about ourselves.
If you find yourself comparing yourself to other people, be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself that comparison is not healthy, and every one is in their own lane. Your journey does not look like someone else’s and that is what makes it unique.
If you begin to feel envious, remind yourself of your strengths and capabilities. You may find it helpful to journal to write down what you are thankful for. This will shift your focus onto your own life instead of someone else’s life.
2. Take care of your body and mind
It is hard to feel good about yourself when you are not taking care of yourself. Self-care is very important, and it may not look like how you imagine it to be. For example, self-care is not always a bubble bath or a face mask. It may be doing something uncomfortable or something you do not want to do, like skipping a Netflix show to go to bed earlier or adding a workout class to your busy schedule.
When you regularly practice self-care, you are doing something good for your body and mind. Because of this, you will naturally feel more confident.
Here are some self-care activities that can lead to a higher level of self-confidence:
Attending therapy - Therapy is an investment. If you struggle with low confidence, therapy, specifically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), can help you challenge your negative thoughts. If you are interested in learning more, read our recent blog “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) For Negative Self-Talk.” At Anchor Therapy, we have CBT counselors who can help boost your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Diet - When you eat a well-balanced diet, you will have the energy to take on the day! Food should not be viewed as “good” or “bad.” Instead, you want to change the narrative so you are filling your body with nutrient-filled foods while enjoying your favorite snacks or treats. You will be left feeling healthier and stronger.
Exercise - Physical exercise boosts self-confidence. To learn more, check out our blog “5 Ways Exercise Benefits Your Mental Health.”
Meditation - Meditation teaches you to become one with yourself, recognizing and accepting yourself just as you are. It gives you a break from the mental chatter in your mind so you can stop the negative self-talk that is interfering with your confidence. Read our blog “How Meditation Can Lead To Stress Reduction” for more information.
Sleep - When you skip out on sleep, it can negatively impact your emotional and physical state. Getting good-quality sleep has been linked to positive attributes, like optimism and a healthy self-esteem. If you struggle with getting enough sleep, read our blog “How CBT Can Help With Your Insomnia.”
Make sure you are filling your cup so you feel good about yourself and your abilities. Caring for yourself is a crucial component in the recipe of self-confidence.
3. Set realistic goals
When it comes to reaching your goals, it inevitably involves a certain degree of failure as well. It is common to fail a few times until you figure out what works for you. On the other hand, it may make you question everything. You may be questioning how you can be more confident while continuously not achieving what you yearn for. The answer to your dilemma is creating more realistic goals for yourself.
When you set goals that are very hard to achieve, it can actually lower your self-confidence when you cannot fulfill them. While they still take work, realistic goals are achievable so it can leave you feeling confident once you complete it and hit your target.
When it comes to setting realistic goals, write down a goal you want to achieve. Then, honestly ask and answer the likelihood that you will be able to achieve that goal right off the bat. If the answer is slim, you can work to create a more lofty goal in the meantime.
For example, let us say that your goal is to lose 50 pounds in a few months. Losing weight too quickly is unhealthy so it would be time to dial back your goal a bit. Instead of focusing on the total amount of weight you want to lose, take it week-by-week and focus on losing one to two pounds a week in a healthy manner.
Everyone struggles with their self-confidence from time to time. Luckily, with now knowing the information from this blog, there are several things you can do to change your outlook on yourself and your abilities.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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