Infidelity is a very challenging obstacle that many couples face. From the emotional turmoil that results from the breach of trust to lingering questions that can trigger anxiety, many couples in this situation are unsure of how to move forward. Despite the immense pain of infidelity, many couples look to rebuild their relationship, showcasing a lot of resilience in the process. In fact, research has shown that roughly 60 to 75% of couples decide to stay together after infidelity. This success rate may be even higher if couples decide to seek the professional support of a couples counselor.
Affair recovery in a couples counseling setting offers a structured, supportive setting for partners to navigate this difficult journey together. Contrary to popular belief, addressing the betrayal is just one small part of the couples therapy journey at Anchor Therapy. It is about getting to the root cause of presenting issues, truly understanding the impact of the infidelity, rebuilding trust, and creating a deeper emotional connection.
In this blog, you will discover how affair recovery counseling can guide you and your significant other through the healing process. From pinpointing underlying concerns to creating an avenue for open communication, you can redefine your relationship with the help of specific tools and strategies so you can grow stronger together. Whether you are looking for some hope or are ready to dive into the complexities of your relationship, you have come to the right place!
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What happens to the brain during an affair?
For the person engaging in the affair, there are many psychological and neurochemical processes at play. Trying to understand what happens in the brain during an affair can explain why certain behaviors occur and how they impact emotions and relationship dynamics.
First and foremost, there is a spike in dopamine, a neurotransmitter that is involved in pleasure and reward, which occurs due to the secrecy or forbidden aspect of the relationship. This puts an intense focus on the affair partner, and creates feelings of excitement and euphoria.
Oxytocin, often referred to as the bonding hormone, plays a role in the formation of emotional connections. During high points of emotional and physical intimacy, oxytocin levels may rise which forms a feeling of attachment to the affair partner. This creates a major conflict since oxytocin is a bonding hormone in long-term relationships.
There can also be a suppression of empathy and guilt at play. Personal values and actions may be attempted to resolve through cognitive dissonance. In an effort to lessen feelings of guilt, the partner having the affair may try to rationalize their behavior. For instance, they may do this through blaming their primary relationship for dissatisfaction. There may even be suppressed empathy toward the betrayed partner which can keep the affair going.
Understanding these brain processes sheds some light on the affair recovery process and can hopefully give you some insight as to why affair recovery is often so challenging for couples. In order to create healthier pathways for intimacy and fulfillment, neurochemical changes must be addressed. Through psychoeducation and intentional effort, it is possible to break free from the emotional grip of the affair and restore balance within the primary relationship.
What is affair fog?
‘Affair fog’ is a common term used to describe the emotional and cognitive state experienced by someone who is engaged in an affair. It includes the distorted thinking and intense emotions that can cloud someone’s better judgment and decision-making skills. Affair fog makes it difficult for someone to see their situation clearly or understand its full realm of consequences. The emotional and neurochemical dynamics of an affair contribute to affair fog which can make the infidelity experience an intoxicating, all-consuming experience.
The intense emotional highs of an affair can trigger high levels of dopamine which creates a sense of euphoria and emotional intensity. The affair partner may seem idealized since it is free from the responsibilities of a long-term partnership.
Through cognitive dissonance, a partner in an affair tries to rationalize or minimize their actions to reconcile their behavior with their values. Someone may even see their affair partner as a “soulmate” or believe that the infidelity is a solution to their unhappiness despite the harmful effects it has.
Due to the reward system of the brain, a partner who is engaged in an affair may create a sense of dependency on the affair for emotional fulfillment. Even though they may know it is wrong, this makes it hard for a partner to end the affair.
The partner involved in an affair may feel torn between their affair partner and a committed relationship which leads to a state of emotional conflict and indecision. They may struggle to see their situation objectively since the heightened emotional aspect of the connection creates a distorted sense of reality.
How can I get rid of the affair fog?
Emotional reflection - Time and introspection allow people to see the affair for what it is (e.g., unhealthy coping skill, temporary escape, etc.)
Separation from the affair partner - Distance removes idealization and rebalances your emotions
Therapeutic intervention - Mental health counseling gives you tools to feel your feelings, process your emotions, rebuild empathy, and get to the root cause of the affair
How long does the shock of an affair last?
The shock of discovering an affair can vary a lot from person-to-person. It really depends on individual circumstances, your emotional resilience level, and the support systems you have in place during the affair discovery period. There is no one-size-fits-all approach.
Typically, many people experience an initial sense of shock which can last days to weeks. This initial shock may leave you in a state of disbelief, anger, sadness, and confusion. You may even experience physical symptoms, like a loss of appetite or insomnia. If you are struggling with your sleep, check out our blog “How CBT Can Help With Your Insomnia.”
The beginning impact can feel chaotic and overwhelming as you begin to process your new reality. It may even cause you to question your worth, leading to a low self-esteem. For more information, read our blog “How to Navigate Insecurity After Infidelity.”
How can I cope during the shock stage of affair recovery?
Allow yourself to feel your feelings and validate your emotions with no judgment attached
Seek the help of a professional mental health counselor trained in infidelity recovery so you can move forward with the healing process and your life in general
When you are ready, have open and honest discussions with your significant other so you can heal some of the pain and confusion (These conversations can be guided by a couples counselor if needed)
Take some time to practice self-care and focus on your mental and physical health (Read our blog “The 8 Forms of Self-Care and How You Can Practice Them”)
Once the initial shock wears off, the lasting effects of infidelity come into the picture. Feelings of betrayal, hurt, and confusion can last for months. During this time, it is common for the betrayed partner to experience triggers that can evoke strong emotional reactions. For example, if your partner leaves the room to answer a phone call, you may enter a state of emotional distress as you are reminded of the secrecy of the affair.
Deeper emotional healing and rebuilding can take months to achieve. Many people think that this process can last anywhere from six months to two years. Affair recovery can become a quicker process with effective communication skills, couples counseling, and deliberate efforts to address foundational concerns. For more information on couples communication skills, read our blog “4 Communication Tips Couples Need to Know.”
What are the three stages of affair recovery?
Traditionally, there are three stages of affair recovery. Each stage addresses a different aspect of the infidelity healing process. As a couple, you can use these stages as a guide to navigate complex emotions, rebuild trust, and determine the future of your relationship.
Stage One of Affair Recovery: Crisis and Stabilization
This first stage of affair recovery includes processing the immediate emotional aftermath of infidelity. In the first stage, addressing the immediate needs of both partners is a must. This is often a time period of emotional turbulence, marked by feelings of anger, hurt, confusion, and disbelief. Therefore, the focus is on stabilizing emotions so a safe space can be created to have initial conversations about the affair.
If reconciliation is desired, the affair must end and boundaries need to be discussed, established, and maintained. For more guidance on this, our blog “How to Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships” is a must-read.
This first stage is really just about surviving the emotional storm of infidelity rather than discussing the future of the relationship or deciding how you want to move forward. Making long-term decisions during this period of emotional conflict is difficult. Seeking professional support during this stage may be helpful as it will offer some structure and guidance during a generally confusing time.
Stage Two of Affair Recovery: Understanding and Healing
The second stage dives deeper into the emotional wounds that caused the infidelity to explore underlying reasons. Honest communication and a high level of self-reflection are crucial for emotional exploration in stage two. Were there unmet needs? How about any unresolved conflicts? Were there personal struggles at play that contributed to the affair?
While healing must occur between both partners in the relationship, healing must also occur individually. Each partner must work through their feelings of guilt, shame, anger, or grief to rebuild trust and empathy.
With the help of a couples counselor at Anchor Therapy, you both can gain insight into the affair’s context to gain a sense of mutual understanding, but please note that this is not done in an attempt to justify the affair or excuse it. Rather, it is about laying the framework for forgiveness so you can open the door to meaningful dialogue about your relationship’s future.
Stage Three of Affair Recovery: Rebuilding or Redefining the Relationship
The final stage of affair recovery is to make a decision regarding the fate of the relationship. Do you and your partner part ways? Do you both decide on reconciliation given that you are both willing to put the work in to create a healthier, more fulfilling relationship dynamic?
If you choose to stay together, the focus is on creating goals together, rebuilding intimacy, and creating new patterns of trust. Some practical steps that may occur during this phase is strengthening communication, resolving past conflicts, and creating a new, strong foundation for the relationship. For more information, check out our blog “4 Ways to Repair A Relationship After Infidelity.”
This stage also includes learning from the lessons of the affair so a more resilient partnership can be fostered. For some couples, their relationship may feel stronger than ever after affair recovery. With that being said, that does not mean that every couple should stay together after an affair as you have to think about your emotional and mental health. Affair recovery is about making the best decision for both partners so you can move forward with clarity and purpose. Continue reading more on this topic by checking out our past blog “How to Heal After Infidelity.”
Does infidelity pain ever go away?
The pain of infidelity is profound and it can feel overwhelming. However, it is possible to turn that pain into a source of strength and hope for your relationship.
Healing requires intentional effort. For those who actively work through the pain of infidelity instead of avoiding it, you will experience greater emotional recovery. The pain of infidelity may never disappear but it becomes a catalyst for personal and relational growth. Couples who commit to repairing their relationship through couples therapy may emerge with a stronger, more authentic bond built on mutual respect and open communication.
What are the benefits of couples counseling for affair recovery?
Safe space for open communication
Guided exploration into the root causes of the affair
Rebuilding trust and accountability
Tools for managing emotional responses
Support for individual healing
Decision-making guidance
Strengthening the relationship moving forward
An unbiased third-party viewpoint
While the journey of affair recovery may be challenging, couples counseling offers professional guidance and practical strategies to help you and your significant other navigate this emotionally-charged time.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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