Love bombing usually involves bombarding a romantic partner with love, attention, and affection. A love bomber would shower you with compliments, gifts, and grand gestures, for instance. While some people may view love bombing as normal behavior for someone who is newly in love, love bombing takes things a step further. It goes beyond simply getting someone a bouquet of flowers, it is a form of psychological and emotional abuse often disguised as excessive flattery.
Love bombing is a manipulation tactic. People who love bomb are looking to gain control and power over the other person at the beginning of the relationship. Commonly, love bombing is associated with narcissism. For more information, check out our blog “8 Tips for Dealing With A Narcissist.”
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What is love bombing and breadcrumbing?
The term “love bombing” was created in the 1970s. “Love bombing” was actually created to describe a religious sect or cult. In this way, love bombing refers to the excessive flattery and admiration used by members to recruit more people to their given group.
It is normal for romantic relationships to be filled with displays of affection and excitement in the beginning stages, but love bombing behaviors are excessive.
Think of going on a first date with someone and this person immediately confesses their love for you and says that you are their future spouse. It feels like a lot, right? Then, imagine this person may shower you with praise, gifts, and other gestures that seem flattering on the surface. Love bombing praises and gestures can make a lot of promises up front, such as meeting their family right away, going on trips together, and so on. In reality, you do not really know this person that well.
Here are some common signs of love bombing:
Overwhelming attention and affection
Excessive gifts
Demanding constant attention
Intense, rapid progression
Over-the-top gestures
Isolating you from other people
Guilt-tripping
Intense flattery
Mood swings
Pressure to commit
Here are some specific examples of love bombing so you can see how it may manifest:
They text you all day long- asking for updates and telling you “I miss you” after only being apart for a short period of time
Within the first few weeks of talking, they start making plans for the future (e.g., suggesting you move in together, talking about marriage, naming future children, etc.)
They insist on spending all of your free time together (e.g., they may say something like “I don’t understand why you’d want to hang out with your friends when we could be spending that time together.”)
They tell you things like “I do not know what I would do without you. You are the only person who makes me happy.”
They view love as a transaction and may say something like “Look at everything I have done for you. I have spent so much time/money on you because I love you, and I want you to love me back.”
Love bombing tactics are manipulative. The intent is to groom you, isolate you from your loved ones, and make themselves the most important person in your life so they have no competition. They want you to become emotionally and socially dependent on them.
In recent years, love bombing has become a hot topic, especially with the rise of online dating. In March 2022, a study found that a whopping 70% of Americans have been love bombed! More specifically, 78% of dating app users report being love bombed. Additionally, more women have been love bombed, at 76%, compared to men at 63%. For support, our previous blog “Swipe Smart: Navigating Online Dating and Mental Health with Dating Therapy” is a must-read.
Bread crumbing is a dating behavior that has been associated with the rise of online dating. Bread crumbing refers to one person giving someone just enough attention, affection, or communication to keep someone interested without any real intention of committing or deepening the relationship. Online dating makes it very easy for someone to send out ‘bread crumbs’ every once in a while to keep the other person hooked.
Mostly, bread crumbing occurs in the ‘talking stage’ or ‘dating stage’ of a relationship; however, it can even occur in committed and marital relationships. A bread crumber enjoys the attention they are receiving from their partner despite knowing they do not want the same things as the other person. They try to maintain the connection even though they know it is misleading and ingenious.
Being on the receiving end of bread crumbing is difficult. It is quite painful to realize that you have been strung along with no real return on the investment of your time and energy. It can feel like an emotional rollercoaster ride. Feelings of self-doubt, confusion, anger, and resentment may arise.
Bread crumbing can feel like a subtle, confusing behavior, therefore it can be difficult to spot at first. The attention you are getting from the other person may feel positive but it is inconsistent.
Here are some common signs of love bombing:
Vague or non-committal responses
They only engage when it is convenient for them
Inconsistent communication
Lack of progress in the relationship
Keeping you on the back burner
Flirting without follow-through
Disappearing acts
False promises or excuses
Social media attention without personal effort
Gives you just enough to keep you interested
You are constantly second-guessing them
They avoid defining the relationship
What is the difference between love bombing and genuine connection?
Think of any Hollywood romantic classic film- it likely showcases some form of love bombing. Love bombing is fast and intense, and unhealthy relationship dynamics can make for a more entertaining and exciting story. This can twist our perception about what courtship and relationships are supposed to look like.
When compared to love bombing, remember that genuine love is a much slower, less intense process. Someone who genuinely sees a future with you will want to get to know you better as a person over the course of a few weeks or months. They are assessing you, and you are assessing them to see if you are compatible.
A love bomber targets you and pursues you intensely. The genuine person has an interest in you, but they do not feel entitled to all of your time and energy. With a genuine person, they do not hide any aspects of themselves. They are consistent over time. There is no cycle, and you know what to expect from them.
Likewise, you feel comfortable to be your true self, with both your strengths and weaknesses on display. You are not punished for your shortcomings. A genuine person will feel like a best friend, not just a lover. Some people who are used to love bombing tactics may mistake a genuine person as someone who is incapable since they may think there is a “lack of chemistry.” When you are used to love bombing, genuine love and connection is less exciting because it is real.
Whereas love bombing is fireworks, genuine love is a fireplace that grows brighter and warmer over time.
Why is love bombing so powerful?
Love bombing plays on your basic human needs for affection, validation, and connection.
Here are the different emotions you may feel throughout the stages of love bombing:
Initial euphoria
Overwhelm and confusion
Dependency and anxiety
Doubt and emotional exhaustion
Guilt and self-doubt
Trapped or conflicted
Love bombing can feel overwhelming, intoxicating, and emotionally confusing. Therefore, it can be hard to even recognize it as a form of emotional manipulation.
Everyone craves love, attention, and approval, and love bombing satisfies those needs. You are being showered with excessive affection, praise, and attention which makes you feel seen and valued. When you are love bombed, you may also feel an intense connection with the love bomber, making you feel like you have met your perfect match. This sense of belonging and emotional fulfillment can feel very hard to resist.
Love bombing speeds up the normal relationship process which creates an emotional high, making you feel elated and attach very quickly to the love bomber. Dopamine and other feel-good chemicals become involved which reinforces your bond together. The affection happens so quickly and so intensely that you as the victim gain a false sense of security and emotional dependency to the love bomber.
In the early stages of love bombing, a love bomber may present themselves as the picture perfect partner. This may make you feel like you have finally found Mr. or Ms. Right. This can cause you to idealize your partner or put them on a pedestal.
You will also find that love bombers talk a lot about the future in grand terms. They may not even know you that well, but they are discussing marriage, kids, or other lifelong commitments. You may begin to wonder what a dream life would look like together. This leads you to become invested in the future, even if it is a brand new relationship.
The rapid progress of the relationship can overwhelm your rational thought process, from constant contact to large declarations of love. This leaves little time for you to process your feelings or evaluate the situation in any possible way. Even when red flags appear, you may ignore or justify these red flags because your partner’s affection conflicts with their negative behavior. It can be hard to reconcile these two extremes- you may want to focus on the positive aspects of love bombing.
After being love bombed, you may become emotionally dependent on the love bomber for validation and affection. When your partner withdraws their intense love and affection, you may feel insecure or anxious. This leads to a cycle where you try to gain the love bomber’s attention again. Since a love bomber will try to monopolize your time and attention, you may feel isolated from friends, family members, and other support systems. This isolation will only make you more dependent on the love bomber for emotional support. This also reduces your ability to gain an external perspective on the situation. To learn more, read our blog “How To Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship.”
Love bombing gives the love bomber control over your emotional state. They flood you with affection, withdraw it, then manipulate your feelings and responses. You may become focused on pleasing the love bomber to regain their affection. The intensity of love bombing and periods of withdrawal and criticism can leave you feeling emotionally confused and vulnerable. This could even lead to self gaslighting where you question your own feelings and judgments, becoming reliant on the love bomber for validation. If this resonates with you, check out our blogs “How You Are Gaslighting Yourself” and “3 Steps to Survive Gaslighting.”
How to deflect love bombing
Deflecting love bombing first requires a high level of self-awareness to understand that you are being love bombed in the first place. You must be willing to set firm boundaries and recognize the manipulative behaviors of your partner behind their overwhelming affection.
If someone is moving too fast for you, take intentional steps to slow things down and do not be afraid to communicate where you are at. You may say something like “I appreciate your feelings, but I want to take time to get to know each other better before jumping into anything serious.” Remember, you do not have to match their level of intensity.
You may want to set limits on how often you spend time together and how often you communicate. If they want to be in constant communication and see each other 24/7, take breaks to prioritize your personal space.
It is also smart to limit emotional vulnerability early on. Do not rush into sharing deeply personal information just because this person is doing it. Love bombers aim to create a false sense of intimacy by being overly-vulnerable early in the relationship. Recognize that big displays of affection do not necessarily mean genuine love or care. Stay grounded without letting excessive compliments, gifts, and gestures cloud your judgment.
Even when starting a new romantic connection, ensure that you are still filling up your own cup first. Prioritize spending time with your loved ones, practicing your hobbies, and achieving your goals. Love bombers will try to monopolize your time and pull you away from your usual activities or social circle. Check out our blog “The 8 Forms of Self-Care and How You Can Practice Them.”
For more information on boundary-setting, check out our blogs “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them” and “How To Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships.”
Love bombing can feel exhilarating at first but, behind the intensity, manipulative behavior arises which can be emotionally draining and damaging over time. To learn more, read our blog “Overcoming the Aftermath of Love Bombing.”
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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