A “golden child” the ‘special’ member of a given family unit. Oftentimes, the golden child is pushed to be nothing short of perfect. This typically happens because a parent wants their child to achieve in areas of life where they did not. As a golden child, you may resonate with being able to perform well under pressure, constantly seeking reassurance from your parents, and not being allowed to tell people your true emotions.
Your parents may view your successes as their own which perpetuates a cycle where they are constantly setting high expectations for you. This may cause you to feel excess stress, and you may even begin to feel confused about who you are. Constantly feeling pushes to keep going and achieving with no breaks or self-care can very easily lead to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
If the cycle of being the golden child is not broken, the consequences can last a lifetime. You may feel like, no matter how hard you try, you are never good enough. You may have a hard time making decisions on your own without reassurance from other people. You may self-sabotage relationships in your life because you expect the other person to be perfect as well, pushing these unrealistic standards onto others.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is golden child syndrome?
While “golden child syndrome” may be a popular saying, it is important to note that it is not a medical or psychological disorder. Due to this, there is no clinical definition to go along with this syndrome. However, as a general rule of thumb, being a golden child is used by families to describe a given child as exceptional. This child has the expectation to be perfect at all times and avoid mistakes at all costs. Parents will outwardly favor the golden child over other children in the household. According to research, the strongest predictor of a golden child being chosen is based on the parent’s feelings of the child being similar to them.
In a narcissistic family structure, the golden child may be the one child that the narcissistic family member, typically a parent, favors. The narcissistic family member believes that the golden child holds all of the values, skills, and talent that they believe they hold themselves.
Golden children are typically raised by narcissistic, controlling parents who create a toxic home life to breed perfection. As a golden child, you may have felt unsafe in your own home growing up, feeling like you could not break any rules or express your own opinion if it differed from what your parent(s) had to say. Check out our blog “8 Tips for Dealing with a Narcissist” for more information.
Some signs that scapegoating occur are as follows:
Gaslighting and denial of reality
Projection of negative traits
Negative labeling and name-calling
Undermining success or achievements
Lack of empathy or support
Dysfunctional family role
Emotional exhaustion
Low self-esteem
Alienation from extended family members or outsiders
Emotional manipulation and guilt
Emotional or physical abuse
Unrealistic expectations
Negative labeling and name-calling
Double standards
Disproportionate criticism
Long-term effects of scapegoating include:
Tendency to self-blame in relationships
Anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem
Perfectionism
People-pleasing behaviors
Feelings of anger or resentment towards some family members
How do you know if you are the golden child?
As mentioned, a golden child is greatly valued by their narcissistic parent for many reasons. The role of being a golden child is a lot for anyone to handle. In a dysfunctional family, the golden child learns early on that their purpose in the family is to please their parent and live out their unfilled dreams.
A big sign that you may be the golden child is that you tend to be a people pleaser. You have learned that what makes you unique is tied to your ability to be who other people want you to be. Instead of focusing on yourself, you do what makes other people happy. Our blogs “How to Know if You’re A People-Pleaser and the Psychology Behind It” and “11 Reasons Why You Are A People-Pleaser” are must-reads if you resonate with this role.
One of the most prominent characteristics of a golden child is the need to achieve. Your parents place expectations on you, you work hard to meet them, and the cycle continues. It may not even be a thought for you to explore your own interests or ambitions because you are trained to only care about what your parents want for you.
Because you have learned that your value and love comes from you fulfilling goals and gaining accomplishments, you may have developed a fear of failure. Even though you may be treated better than your siblings, when you do make a mistake, your punishment may be way out of proportion to the situation in reality. You may feel scared of making mistakes and/or letting people down.
If you are the golden child, there is normally a family scapegoat as well. If something goes well, it is associated with the golden child. If something goes wrong, the scapegoat is blamed. You may recognize the inequality in this as a golden child, and feel guilty about the treatment of your sibling(s). For more information on your siblings’ position in your family, check out our blog “What To Do When Someone Is Using You As A Scapegoat.”
You may even feel stuck between your parent who praises you and the siblings who may resent you. Your narcissistic parent may even ask you to play an active role in discipling your siblings. This can create a lot of inner conflict and, if you act on it, you may feel guilty.
How does a narcissist treat a golden child?
The behavior of the narcissistic parent to create a highly toxic home setting, especially used to breed perfection in the golden child, reflects a need to manage, dominate, and manipulate their children. They use their child as a way to reinforce their own self-image.
Here is how the narcissistic parent-golden child dynamic can create a toxic home life:
Conditional love and approval
The golden child receives love, attention, and approval when they succeed or fulfill their parents’ wishes. This teaches the child that love comes with strings attached. In other words, their value comes from external achievements instead of just who they are as a human being. When the golden child inevitably fails their parent(s) due to unrealistic expectations, the narcissistic parent takes back their love (e.g., giving their child the silent treatment, acting cold or indifferent, etc.). This may falsely make the child believe that their worth is based on compliance and performance.
Excessive expectations and pressure to succeed
The golden child is held to extremely high standards in all areas of life, including school; work; sports; appearance; and so on. The narcissistic parent’s desire to perform well is pushed onto the child, wanting them to appear flawless in every situation. If a mistake occurs, the narcissistic parent will treat this as their own personal failure and the child will reap the emotional consequences. This immense sense of pressure placed on the child triggers anxiety, stress, and perfectionistic tendencies. To learn more, read our top blog “7 Ways to Let Go of Control Issues.”
Emotional manipulation and control
At the forefront of many narcissistic relationships comes emotional manipulation and control. As a golden child, you may feel responsible for the emotional well-being of your parent(s). You may often hear phrases like “I sacrificed a lot for you to be in the position you are in”, “Don’t embarrass me”, “Don’t disappoint me”, and so on. This form of gaslighting may have you questioning your own perception of events because your reality is being distorted. From your parents denying their abusive behaviors to making you question your own memory and judgment, various tactics may be used. For support, check out our blog “3 Steps to Survive Gaslighting.”
Sibling dynamics
One aspect of golden child syndrome that is not talked about often is the sibling dynamics that occur. Typically, a narcissistic parent will pit the golden child against other children in the family, also known as the scapegoat. This is how a sibling rivalry is formed where jealousy and resentment is commonplace. The golden child is openly favored over the scapegoat, and this is used to make the scapegoat feel inferior and devalued. This creates major division in the family unit, and makes it hard for siblings to form a healthy bond. For more information on this topic, view our blog “Understanding the Psychology of Scapegoating in Families.”
Creating a false sense of superiority
Being a golden child means being burdened with many unrealistic expectations. When you achieve, it is likely that your parents praise you and make you feel better than others around you. This can create a heightened sense of self-importance and even lead to narcissistic tendencies in you as the golden child. Learning from your narcissistic parent, you may develop a skewed understanding of what relationships should look like- believing that manipulation, control, and conditional love are all normal aspects of love and care. Outside of your family, you may struggle to form and maintain healthy relationships.
Neglect of emotional needs
The narcissistic parent may only focus on the golden child’s achievements, neglecting their emotional and psychological needs. In order to get their parent’s approval, the golden child learns to suppress their emotions. For tips, our blog “How to Regulate Your Emotions” is a must-read. As a golden child, your narcissistic parent may have had difficulty empathizing with you, leading your emotions to feel disregarded or minimized. This may make it hard for you to express or recognize your emotions later in adolescence or adulthood, and can even create a sense of emotional loneliness.
Blurring of emotions
Your narcissistic parent may see themselves as one with you. In other words, they do not see you as your own individual so they think they do not have to respect your needs or boundaries. This type of blurring of emotions, or emotional enmeshment, happens when your parent(s) become overly-involved in your life. They see you as someone who can fulfill the emotional void in their own life. Your parent may even go as far as to demand excessive emotional support from you. This will make you feel like you are responsible for their happiness and overall welfare. To learn how to navigate this situation, check out our blog “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them.”
Isolation and social control
Your parent may isolate you from peers or external influences that may make you view them in a negative light. This prevents you from getting perspective from other people to recognize the toxic home setting that is being created. When your freedom is limited, you become more dependent on your parents. This may make you feel incapable of making decisions on your own or you may feel like you need your narcissistic parent’s approval with everything you do, tightening the grip your parent has over you. For more information, read our blog “Embracing Independence: Tools for Overcoming Dependency.”
Micromanagement and over protection
A narcissistic parent will closely watch their golden child, monitoring and controlling the child’s actions, choices, and relationships. Therefore, the golden child will begin to feel trapped with no space to grow into becoming their own person. If the golden child makes a small error, they will be scrutinized or criticized. This leads to a golden child feeling like the only acceptable course of action is to be perfect. A golden child may develop a paralyzing fear of making mistakes. To learn more, read our blog “Is Perfectionism A Coping Skill?”.
Overcoming the Golden Child Syndrome
At Anchor Therapy, we have individual and family therapists who understand the nuances of narcissistic family dynamics, including the golden child syndrome and scapegoating. By working with a therapist for golden child syndrome, you will develop a more balanced self-identity, process your family dynamics, and improve emotional expression.
Many golden children experience underlying anxiety, depression, or burnout due to unrealistic expectations or a fear of failure. A therapist at Anchor Therapy can provide you with healthy coping skills to help you feel at peace.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR TO ASSIST YOU IN MAKING POSITIVE CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE, CONTACT US
WORKING WITH US IS EASY
Fill out the contact form below.
Our intake coordinator will get back to you with more information on how we can help and to schedule an appointment. We will set you up with an experienced licensed therapist who specializes in what you're seeking help with and who understands your needs.
You’ll rest easy tonight knowing you made the first step to improve your life.
