In any relationship, emotional closeness is the heartbeat. Many couples struggle to maintain the deep connection they once experienced at the beginning of their relationship as life tends to get in the way. This blockage can lead to feelings of frustration, loneliness, and distance. If you and your partner are in this position, the silver lining is that emotional closeness is not simply something you possess or do not possess. You can view emotional closeness as a skill that can get stronger over time with the right amount of attention and care. One route to this is to work with an intimacy coach who can offer a compassionate, guided way to identify and solve emotional barriers so you and your partner can rediscover the bond that brought you two together in the first place.
Intimacy counseling can provide you with the tools needed to help you and your significant other communicate more openly, create trust, and deepen your understanding of one another. Most times, couples are unaware of the hidden patterns and unspoken fears that dominate their daily conversations and behaviors. Whatever you and your partner are going through, an intimacy counselor is there to create a safe space to explore your challenges. Through this exploration process, you and your significant other can learn to express your emotions without fear of judgment and to build a connection which is rooted in authenticity and empathy.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is intimacy counseling?
At Anchor Therapy, we offer intimacy counseling which is a specialized form of therapy to help both adults and couples deepen their emotional, physical, and relational connections. The focus is on addressing any challenges that hinder intimacy.
Here are some common relationship challenges that impact intimacy:
Communication barriers (Read our blog “4 Communication Tips Couples Need To Know”)
Trust issues (Read our blog “How to Deal with Trust Issues”)
Stress and life pressures
Past trauma and/or unresolved emotional pain
Differences in physical or emotional needs (View our blog “Understanding the Five Love Languages to Improve Your Relationship” for support)
Lack of quality time
Physical or sexual challenges (Check out our blog “What to Expect in Sex Therapy”)
Intimacy therapy typically combines talk therapy, emotional awareness exercises, and practical tactics to improve you and your partners’ communication and connection. As mentioned previously, intimacy counseling can be attended as an individual or as a couple.
For individuals, an intimacy therapist can help you address personal barriers to intimacy.
Some personal barriers to intimacy include:
Unresolved trauma (Check out our blog “Everything You Need to Know About CBT for PTSD”)
Fear of vulnerability (For support, read our blog “3 Steps to Becoming More Vulnerable”)
Low self-esteem or self-worth (Read our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”)
Fear of rejection (View our blog “5 Ways to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection”)
Perfectionism (Read our blog “Is Perfectionism A Coping Skill?”)
Difficulty expressing emotions
An insecure attachment style (Our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?” is a must-read)
Past relationship experiences
Fear of losing independence
Cultural or societal conditioning (e.g., you may have grown up in an environment where expressing your emotions was looked down upon)
For couples, intimacy counseling can be used as a resource to help resolve misunderstandings.
Some barriers to intimacy as a couple include:
Communication breakdowns (Read our blog “4 Communication Tips Couples Need to Know”)
Trust issues
Different emotional needs (e.g., one partner may crave emotional connection through conversation while the other person prefers physical touch)
Lack of quality time together
Stress and external pressures (e.g., work, parenting, finances, etc.)
Unresolved conflicts
Differences in physical intimacy desires (Check out our blog “How to Get the Spark Back in Your Relationship through Sex Therapy”)
Routine fatigue
Pushing for sex frequency (Research shows that pushing to increase sex frequency can lead to a desire and enjoyment for sex)
Individual emotional barriers
Whether you are attending individual or couples intimacy therapy, the primary goal is to create a safe, supportive space where you can explore the dynamics of the relationships in your life, and work toward building stronger, more fulfilling bonds with the people in your life.
Overall, an intimacy therapist brings a certain level of expertise into your sessions together which will allow you to understand the complex interplay between emotional and physical intimacy. Depending on your unique needs and goals, an intimacy coach will give you the tools you need.
Here are some benefits of working with an intimacy counselor:
Healing from past traumas
Deepened emotional connection
Conflict resolution skills
Improved communication
Rebuilding trust
Addressing emotional barriers
Enhanced physical intimacy
Renewed passion and excitement
Customized mental health support and tools
Strengthened overall relationship
Whether you are reigniting the spark in a long-term relationship or learning how to connect with people more authentically, intimacy therapy offers a road map to healthier, more fulfilling relationships!
What are the four types of intimacy?
When people first think of intimacy, they may think of a purely physical connection, but intimacy is much more than that. Authentic intimacy encompasses vulnerability and closeness in different areas of a romantic connection. This allows partners to connect on a deeper level. By understanding the four types of intimacy, you and your partner can build a more balanced and fulfilling connection.
The four types of intimacy are as follows:
Emotional intimacy - Emotional intimacy is the foundation for any strong relationship. This is the bond that allows you and your partner to share your deepest thoughts, feelings, and fears with zero judgment attached. Emotional intimacy is built on empathy, open communication, and trust, crafting a safe space where both people are seen, heard, and valued. Through meaningful conversations, shared experiences, and mutual support during life transitions, emotional intimacy can be grown.
Physical intimacy - Physical intimacy is the expression of love and affection through touch. While physical intimacy often includes sex, it can also include non-sexual gestures, such as holding hands, cuddling, and/or hugging. For many people, having a physical connection reinforces feelings of love and security which fosters a sense of closeness within the relationship.
Intellectual intimacy - Intellectual intimacy refers to the sharing of ideas, thoughts, and conversations that stimulate the mind. When partners feel comfortable sharing beliefs, values, and interests, even when they may disagree with one another, that is true intellectual intimacy. Mutual respect and curiosity are at the forefront of this type of intimacy.
Spiritual intimacy - Spiritual intimacy involves deeply connecting to your significant other through shared beliefs, values, and a sense of purpose. This could look like practicing religion or exploring what spirituality means to each of you together. For other people, it could mean aligning on core life principles or finding common ground in areas of personal growth, nature, or community. Spiritual intimacy can create a shared sense of connection.
If you want a well-rounded and deeply connected partnership, honing in on and nurturing these four areas of intimacy is a great idea! By focusing on all four areas as opposed to just one or two, you and your partner can build a stronger foundation for love and support. This will allow your relationship to thrive in every aspect of life.
Why do I struggle with intimacy?
Intimacy issues can come in many forms.
Some common examples of intimacy issues include:
Difficulty accepting physical contact
A fear of commitment or serial dating (For more information on this, check out our blog “How to Overcome Your Fear of Commitment”)
Perfectionistic tendencies
Relationship-related sabotage (For support, read our blog “How to Stop Self-Sabotaging for Good”)
Difficulty trusting your partner with important information or decisions
Trouble expressing emotional needs
Poor communication skills or avoiding “deep” conversations with your partner
Unwillingness to share goals, dreams, or plans for the future with your significant other
Avoidance of physical and sexual intimacy
Trust issues and being unable to feel safe in your relationship
Many people confuse a fear of intimacy with a fear of vulnerability. While the two have overlap, they are different. If you live with a fear of intimacy, you may actually be comfortable being vulnerable and showing your true self to the world initially; however, you may have limits on how vulnerable you can be or allow yourself to be. If you fear intimacy, this fear may arise when you feel like you are becoming “too close” to a loved one.
A fear of abandonment, a fear of loss of your partner, and a fear of loss of yourself in the relationship can all be the core reasons for a fear of intimacy. All of these fears can coexist at the same time as well. While these fears may look different on the surface, they all ultimately lead to pulling a partner in and then pushing a partner away.
These fears can also be related to past childhood experiences and can be triggered as an adult. This can lead to a lot of confusion for yourself and your partner. If everything is okay now in your relationship, then why are you being triggered?
Those who fear abandonment are fearful that their significant other will leave them. This can be caused from having a parent or another important caregiver figure abandoning you as a child, either emotionally or physically abandoning you.
The fear of engulfment deals with the fear of one losing themself in a relationship. If you have this fear, you are likely afraid of being controlled, dominated, or losing who you are in a romantic relationship. This could be caused by growing up in an enmeshed family or a family who did not respect your boundaries. From the outside looking in, an enmeshed family may seem loving and supportive, but the lines are often blurred which can lead to issues of attachment, independence, and intimacy.
Last but not least, a fear of intimacy can be caused by an anxiety disorder, specifically Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD). Perhaps you are afraid of judgment from another person. Maybe you take rejection so personally that it makes you shy away from making personal, intimate connections at all.
Additionally, specific phobias can play a role in a fear of intimacy, such as haphephobia or the fear of touch.
Lastly, some people may be comfortable with surface-level social interactions or connections, such as having a lot of followers on social media but little in-person connections, but are uncomfortable with deeply personal relationships.
How do I stop struggling with intimacy?
To navigate intimacy issues or a fear of intimacy, you will likely need to meet with an intimacy counselor, particularly if your issues are rooted in past events.
Therapy for intimacy issues can be a space for you to explore past experiences and how they relate to the way you think and behave today. In intimacy counseling, you will learn about a host of healthy coping skills to get you closer to your intimacy goals. Healthy coping skills can help you manage intrusive, negative thoughts or feelings about intimacy that arise and interfere with intimacy in your relationship.
While intimacy therapy can be helpful for many people, change does not occur overnight. It will take time to build trust and intimacy with your partner again. Time and continued effort will allow success! It can even be a very powerful thing to recognize together as a couple that the intimacy has declined over time and, now, you are both in a position where you are dedicated to making the change.
In addition to working with an intimacy counselor, there are things you can do on your own to facilitate the intimacy healing process. For one, try to understand your fears and triggers. Consider if past relationships, childhood experiences, or traumas are influencing your feelings about intimacy. If you are afraid of rejection, vulnerability, or being hurt, understanding these fears is the first step to addressing them.
Your triggers may also cause negative self-talk. Negative feelings about yourself can hinder your ability to be intimate. Instead try to challenge your negative self-talk so you can fully focus on your strengths.
Unlocking emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy is not about perfection. Instead, it is just about simply showing up as your true self and navigating the intimacy counseling process whether on your own or with your partner.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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