Are you struggling with anxious attachment patterns in your relationships? Do you feel abandoned when you are away from your partner? Do you find yourself needing constant reassurance from other people? How do you feel when a significant other or friend wants some alone time? If you find yourself fearing abandonment, needing constant reassurance, and feeling insecure, you are not alone in your relationship struggles.
An anxious attachment style can deeply impact your emotional welfare and ability to successfully connect with others. With that being said, with the right tools and mindset, you can move towards building a secure attachment style! A secure attachment style refers to a healthy, positive pattern of emotional bonding that occurs in a relationship. It is characterized by trust, comfort with intimacy, and the ability to rely on other people without a fear of rejection or abandonment. Specifically, with therapy for an anxious attachment style at Anchor Therapy, you can learn how to reframe your anxious thoughts into positive, more realistic ones to build better connections in your life, whether romantic or platonic!
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What are the four attachment styles?
First things first, let us define what an attachment style is. An attachment style refers to the patterns of behavior and emotional responses one has in a relationship. These behaviors and emotional patterns stem from how you connect with other people, specifically in close or intimate relationships.
These attachment styles are thought to stem from early experiences with caregivers, like your parents. Therefore, your experiences with the caregiver(s) in your life shape how you give and receive love, handle conflict, and seek support from others when needed. This whole concept is often referred to as ‘attachment theory’ and was created by psychologist John Bowlby and expanded on by psychologist Mary Ainsworth. Dr. Bowlby and Dr. Ainsworth identified how early life interactions with your caregivers form the foundation of your expectations and behavior in relationships throughout life.
Now that we know what an attachment style is, let us dive into the different types! Originating from attachment theory, there are four primary attachment styles that describe how you form emotional bonds and how you behave in relationships.
The four attachment styles are as follows:
Secure attachment style
Characteristics:
Trusting, communicative, and emotionally available.
Comfortable with both emotional intimacy and independence.
Able to manage conflict constructively and maintain healthy boundaries.
Root Cause:
A secure attachment style is believed to be caused by having caregivers who were consistently responsive, nurturing, and dependable.
In Relationships:
Securely-attached people are confident in their partner and view their partner as reliable. They offer reciprocal support.
Anxious or preoccupied attachment style
Characteristics:
A strong need for validation and a deep-seated fear of abandonment.
Overly-dependent on partners.
Often preoccupied with romantic relationships.
Prone to jealousy, seeking constant reassurance, and emotional highs and lows.
Root Cause:
Caregivers were inconsistent and sometimes attentive and, other times, neglectful or unavailable.
In Relationships:
Anxiously-attached people may cling to their partners. When they feel alone or unsupported, they can especially struggle with their self-worth.
Avoidant or dismissive attachment style
Characteristics:
May seem distant or emotionally unavailable.
Difficulty trusting other people.
Tendency to suppress emotions.
High value on independence and self-reliance; avoids emotional closeness.
Root Cause:
Caregivers were emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or overly focused on being self-sufficient.
In Relationships:
Avoidant or dismissive attachment styles in relationships are characterized by emotional distance and a discomfort with intimacy which results in prioritizing independence over closeness.
Disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style
Characteristics:
A combination of both anxious and avoidant relationships.
May display unpredictable or contradictory behavior (e.g., seeks comfort but then immediately follows it with pulling away from the relationship)
Desire for closeness but fear of intimacy or rejection
Root Cause:
Often linked to trauma, abuse, or neglect. Caregivers caused confusion or fear.
In Relationships:
Disorganized individuals can experience emotional highs and lows. Oftentimes, trust and stability are difficult to achieve in relationships.
To learn more about how these attachment styles can impact relationships, check out our past blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
A study completed at the University of Denver aimed to breakdown attachment styles amongst participants. Research showcased that 56% of people had a secure attachment style, 25% had an avoidant attachment style, and the remaining 19% had an anxious/ambivalent attachment style.
What attachment style do I have?
It is likely that you have a general idea of what your attachment style is, especially when you take past relationships into account and examine your behavior patterns.
If you have a secure attachment style, you generally feel comfortable with closeness and independence in relationships. You trust other people and, at the same time, are able to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. For more information, check out our blog “How to Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships.”
Signs of a secure attachment style include:
Healthy communication (Read our blog “4 Communication Tips Couples Need to Know”)
Comfort with intimacy and independence
Confidence in the relationship
Trust and reliability
Positive self-image (If you struggle with a negative self-image, check out our blog “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Negative Self-Talk”)
Effective conflict resolution (Check out our blog “5 Ways to Solve Common Relationship Problems”)
Ability to regulate emotions (View our blog “How to Regulate Your Emotions”)
Respect for boundaries
Supportiveness and empathy
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine if you have a secure attachment style:
Do you handle conflict in a calm and respectful way?
Do you generally feel secure in your relationships? What about without seeking constant reassurance?
Are you comfortable expressing your needs and listening to the needs of your significant other without getting defensive?
Can you maintain a sense of self outside of a relationship?
On the other hand, we have anxious attachment styles.
Signs of an anxious attachment style include:
Constant need for reassurance
Fear of abandonment (Check out our blog “Healing Abandonment Trauma with Inner Work”)
Overthinking and hypervigilance
Intense emotional reactions
Clinginess or dependency
Low self-esteem (Read our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”)
Jealousy or comparisons (Our blog “How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People” is a must-read)
Conflict avoidance coupled with fear of losing your partner
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine if you have an insecure attachment style:
Do you frequently feel anxious or preoccupied when you are in a romantic relationship?
Do you fear being too needy but also struggle to stop seeking reassurance from your significant other?
Do you feel emotionally dependent on your significant other to feel secure?
What does anxious attachment look like in a relationship?
In a relationship, an anxious attachment style can show up as a persistent fear of being abandoned or not being good enough for your partner. With an anxious attachment style, you may crave closeness and reassurance, but also worry that your partner may lose interest and leave you.
When you have an anxious attachment style, you also have heightened sensitivity to your partner’s words and actions. This may cause you to interpret what may be neutral behavior as a sign of rejection, such as a partner taking over an hour to answer your text message even though they were busy at work. When you are in a constant search for validation, an emotional dependency can be created where you heavily rely on your partner to feel secure and worthy.
Here are some examples of behaviors often exhibited by someone with an anxious attachment style:
Sending multiple text messages or calls if your partner does not respond immediately, and feeling panicked during the silence
Interpreting time apart or a partner’s desire for personal space as rejection or a sign that your relationship is in trouble
Creating unnecessary conflict or drama as a way to draw your partner’s focus back to the relationship
Going out of your way to accommodate your partner’s preferences, even if it means neglecting your own needs or desires
Comparing yourself to an ex-partner or other people you think your partner may find attractive
Frequently questioning the future of the relationship or imagining worst-case scenarios (e.g., cheating, breaking up, etc.)
Experiencing intense emotional swings tied to your partner’s behavior (For example, extreme happiness after receiving reassurance from your partner and deep distress after minor conflicts)
Suppressing your own frustrations or needs to keep the peace and avoid the risk of losing the relationship
A main characteristic of an insecure attachment style is becoming preoccupied with a relationship when you are in one. In other words, you may over analyze every interaction with your partner. Since you may inherently believe that your partner will leave you and abandon you at some point, you may search for hidden meanings or evidence that your significant other is pulling away. This could look like replaying conversations over and over again in your head, or trying to figure out if you said or did something ‘wrong.’ Constant overthinking can make you more prone to jealousy, comparisons, and feelings of inadequacy.
From an emotional standpoint, an anxiously attached person experiences intense highs and lows in relationships. When you feel secure and connected to your partner, you are loving, attentive, and passionate. When you feel detached or sense some disconnection between you and your partner, you become panicked, defensive, and overly needy. You may be so fearful of losing your relationship that you suppress your needs or avoid voicing your frustrations since you do not want to push your partner away.
Behaviorally, you may constantly try to seek closeness to your partner through actions, such as constantly calling or texting them. You may also frequently ask your partner for reassurance or make sacrifices to please your partner, even if it is to your own detriment. Ironically, this behavior may overwhelm your partner, creating the distance you most feared.
In some cases, someone with an anxious attachment style may resort to protest behaviors, such as withdrawing affection, playing hard to get, or creating conflict. This can be done unconsciously as a way to draw attention and receive reassurance.
Even though you may have an anxious attachment style, it does not mean that anything is wrong with you or the way you want to be loved. You are simply bringing patterns from childhood into your adult life. With self-awareness and the right communication skills, you can learn to express your needs in a healthier way to build a sense of security in yourself and the relationship. Recognizing these attachment-based patterns is the first step towards breaking the cycle!
What kind of therapist do I need for attachment issues?
Working with an attachment-based therapist is the best way to fix an insecure attachment style. At Anchor Therapy, we have therapists for attachment issues who have a deep understanding of how early relationships with caregivers can influence your current emotional patterns, behaviors, and relationship dynamics. Therapy for anxious attachment can help you learn exactly what attachment style you have, address underlying fears or insecurities, and teach you healthier ways to connect with other people.
Therapy for an anxious attachment style involves exploring many interconnected topics to address the root causes, triggers, and effects of attachment anxiety while also helping you build a secure attachment style.
Here are some common topics explored in anxious attachment therapy:
Understanding attachment theory
Exploring childhood experiences
Pinpointing relationship triggers
Improving self-worth
Addressing fear of abandonment
Communication and expression
Emotional regulation skills
Navigating boundaries
Addressing protest behaviors
Healing past wounds
Developing independence
Balancing closeness and autonomy
Moving toward secure attachment
Analyzing relationship patterns and choices
Self-compassion and acceptance
The above topics can offer a roadmap for addressing an anxious attachment style, creating a space for emotional healing, and building more secure, fulfilling relationships.
Working with an attachment-based counselor can offer a wide range of benefits if you are struggling with an anxious attachment style. An attachment therapist focuses on understanding and healing underlying patterns of behavior and emotional responses that are shaped by early relationships which helps you build healthier, more secure connections in the process.
Here are key benefits of working with an attachment therapist:
Healing past attachment wounds
Increased self-awareness
Enhancing relationship dynamics
Building emotional regulation skills
Improving communication skills
Developing a more secure attachment style
Lessening anxiety in relationships
Learning to trust and set boundaries
Building self-worth and independence
Preventing self-sabotage (Check out our blog “How to Stop Self-Sabotaging for Good”)
Over time, therapy for an anxious attachment style will completely transform the way you approach relationships. This will help you feel more confident, secure, and capable of forming meaningful, long-lasting relationships. An attachment therapist will provide you with a safe space to explore your emotional vulnerabilities while you are being guided on a path toward relational fulfillment.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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