Grief is often thought of as something that begins after a loss, a shadow that remains after a loved one passes. But for many, the grieving process starts long before a final goodbye. Whether it is a terminal diagnosis, a slow decline from a disease, or the fading of someone you love due to emotional or physical distance, anticipatory grief can hit just as hard (sometimes even harder) than the mourning that comes later. It is a quiet, complex sorrow, often misunderstood or left unspoken, that lives in the space between hope and reality.
Anticipatory grief challenges the way we think about loss. It is not just sadness- it is fear, guilt, helplessness, and even moments of clarity and gratitude all tangled together. You might find yourself grieving memories that have not yet been made, or mourning a relationship that is changing rapidly right before your eyes. In this blog post, we will explore what anticipatory grief really feels like, why it happens, and how to navigate it with compassion for yourself and others.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What are the 3 C’s of grief?
Grief doesn’t come with a roadmap. It is messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal. In the middle of it all, you might find yourself wondering how to move forward, or even where to begin in your healing journey. That’s where the 3 Cs of grief can offer a bit of grounding. These guiding principles—Choose, Connect, Communicate—do not promise quick fixes, but they do provide gentle reminders that healing is possible, one small step at a time.
The 3 C’s of grief are a helpful framework for understanding and coping with loss. They stand for:
Choose:
Recognize that while you cannot choose your loss, you can choose how you respond to it. This includes choosing to take care of yourself, seek support, and move through grief in your own time and way. For more information, check out our blog “The 8 Forms of Self-Care and How You Can Practice Them.”
Connect:
Grief can feel isolating, but healing often happens through connection- with others who understand, with your own emotions, or even with the memory of the person you lost. Staying connected helps remind you that you are not alone.
Communicate:
Grieving is deeply personal, but expressing your feelings- whether through talking, writing, art, or another outlet- can be an essential part of processing your pain and honoring your loss.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and the 3 Cs are not meant to be checkboxes- they are more like soft lanterns on a dark path. As you navigate your loss, give yourself permission to take your time, to lean on others, and to speak your truth. Grief may change you, but with compassion and care, it can also deepen your connection to life, love, and what it means to keep going. To learn more about the grieving process, our blog “Grief: How To Cope With Losing A Loved One” is a must-read.
Why does grief hurt so much?
Grief hurts so much because it is love with nowhere to go. When we lose someone- whether to death, distance, or change- we are not just missing their presence. We are aching for the moments that will not happen, the conversations that will not be had, and the future that suddenly looks different. Grief touches the deepest parts of our identity, especially when the person we have lost was woven tightly into the fabric of our everyday life, such as a parent, romantic partner, or close friend. It is not just about mourning them- it is about mourning the version of ourselves that existed with them.
On a biological level, research shows that grief activates the brain’s pain centers much like physical injury does. That is why heartbreak can feel so literal- tight chests, heavy limbs, that knot in your stomach. Emotionally, it can bring waves of sadness, anger, confusion, and longing, often all at once. But all of that pain is a reflection of how deeply you loved, and how profoundly you are impacted when that love loses its familiar place to land.
While there is no “normal” way to grieve, the following are some common things people often do when they are grieving:
Withdrawing or isolating
Crying or feeling numb
Talking about the lost loved one a lot or not at all
Feeling guilt or regret
Holding onto belongings
Experiencing “grief brain” (e.g., forgetfulness, foggy thinking, feeling disconnected from reality, etc.)
Swinging between emotions
Seeking connection through rituals (e.g., lighting candles, attending religious ceremonies, listening to music their loved one enjoyed, etc.)
What is anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief is the kind of grief we experience before a loss happens. Unlike traditional grief, which usually begins after someone dies or something ends, anticipatory grief shows up early- when we begin to sense or know that a loss is coming. It often happens when someone we love is facing a terminal illness, a progressive condition like dementia, or even when a relationship is slowly unraveling. It can be subtle at first, showing up as anxiety, sadness, or even an inability to focus. But underneath, it is rooted in the pain of watching something precious slowly slip away.
Here are some common signs that you are experiencing anticipatory grief:
Anxiety or worry about the future
Irritability or mood swings
Sadness or tearfulness
Guilt
Emotional numbness
Preoccupation with the future loss
Forgetfulness or trouble concentrating
Mentally rehearsing the loss
Withdrawal or isolation
Clinging or over-involvement
Hypervigilance
Overplanning or controlling behavior (Check out our blog “Why Do I Have Control Issues?”)
Fatigue or exhaustion
Changes in appetite or sleep
Body aches or tension
What makes anticipatory grief so complex is that it is layered with uncertainty. You are grieving something that has not happened yet which can feel confusing or even wrong. You may be trying to stay hopeful or supportive while also feeling a growing ache for what you know is changing. That emotional tug-of-war can leave people feeling guilty for their sadness, especially if the person they are grieving is still alive and needs care or connection. But anticipatory grief is real, and it deserves just as much compassion and acknowledgment as any other form of loss.
This type of grief is not only about the impending death- it is often about mourning the slow loss of who someone used to be. For example, a daughter watching her mother change due to Alzheimer’s might grieve not just the future loss of her mom, but the day-to-day moments that no longer happen: the shared laughter, the advice, the sense of being seen. Anticipatory grief carries with it the sorrow of fading connection, as well as the heavy awareness that time is running out.
Another layer of anticipatory grief is that it does not always follow a neat path. Some days might feel “normal,” while others are emotionally overwhelming. You may bounce between moments of gratitude and gut-wrenching sadness. There might even be relief. For example, when a loved one is suffering and their condition worsens, it is common to feel torn between wanting them to stay and wanting their pain to end. These are deeply human responses, and they do not make you a bad person. Instead, they just make you someone who cares.
What can be particularly hard about anticipatory grief is how invisible it can be. Because the loss has not happened yet, others might not recognize or validate your pain. They may say things like, “But they’re still here,” or “You should focus on the time you have.” While well-meaning, these responses can make you feel even more alone. That is why naming and understanding anticipatory grief is so important- it allows space for the pain to exist without judgment.
Ultimately, anticipatory grief is a way your heart and mind begins to prepare itself. It is not about giving up or being negative- it is about reckoning with reality and trying to process the slow goodbye. It can also offer opportunities: to say things that need to be said, to spend intentional time together, and to hold space for both sorrow and love at once. As painful as it is, anticipatory grief can be a doorway to deeper presence and connection in the time that remains.
To keep reading more, check out our blog “Am I Experiencing Complicated and Traumatic Grief?”.
What is the best thing to do when anticipating grieving?
When you are anticipating grief- whether it is the slow loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or a major life transition- the best thing you can do is allow yourself to feel it. It sounds simple, but giving yourself permission to grieve before the actual loss is incredibly healing. You do not have to wait for something to be “officially” gone to start processing the pain of change.
Here are some of the most supportive things you can do:
1. Name what you are feeling
Acknowledging that what you are going through is grief, specifically anticipatory grief, can be incredibly grounding. It explains why you are feeling off, emotional, scattered, or overwhelmed. Putting a name to it helps reduce the shame or confusion. Check out our blog “How to Regulate Your Emotions.”
2. Talk to someone
Whether it is a friend, a grief therapist at Anchor Therapy, or a support group, speaking your feelings out loud gives them space to breathe. Grief is heavy to carry alone. Sometimes just being heard without needing to fix anything can lighten the emotional load.
3. Be present when you can
Spending time with the person or thing you are losing, if it’s still possible, can bring unexpected moments of connection, gratitude, or peace. It will not erase the pain, but it can create a sense of meaning and help you feel like nothing important was left unsaid.
4. Create small rituals
Lighting a candle, journaling your thoughts, creating a memory box, or simply sitting in silence with intention can help you process the complex emotions. Rituals give grief a container, especially when things feel out of control. For more information on journaling, check out our blog “Is Journaling Good For Your Mental Health?”.
5. Practice self-compassion
You may feel guilty for being upset “too early,” or find yourself swinging between sadness and numbness. That is all normal. Be gentle with yourself. There is no timeline, no perfect way to do this. Grief is not linear- it loops, dips, and spirals.
6. Prepare—but do not live only in the future
It is okay to plan ahead- to talk about wishes, make arrangements, or think about what life may look like after the loss. But it is also okay to put those thoughts aside sometimes and focus on mindfulness and just being here. Balance is everything. For assistance, read our blog “5 Ways to Start Practicing Mindfulness.”
7. Let your grief have a voice
Write it out, draw it, talk to the person you are losing (even if they cannot understand or respond). Expressing anticipatory grief helps release some of its intensity and gives it a sacred space to exist.
Grieving in advance does not mean you are giving up- it means you are loving deeply and processing in real-time. And that is one of the bravest things anyone can do!
Working with a grief therapist for anticipatory grief
Working with a grief therapist at Anchor Therapy during anticipatory grief can be a powerful form of support. A therapist provides a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore the swirl of emotions that come with knowing a loss is near- sadness, fear, guilt, even relief. They can help you make sense of what you are feeling, offer tools for coping day-to-day, and guide you through difficult conversations or decisions. Most importantly, they remind you that you do not have to carry the weight of this experience alone. Grief does not wait for loss to become “official,” and neither should your healing.
What are the benefits of working with a grief therapist for anticipatory grief?
Validation of your feelings
Naming and processing complex emotions
Coping skills for day-to-day life
Support in navigating hard conversations
Space to process anticipatory grief or “what ifs”
Preserving connection with your loved ones
Preparation for the future
Anticipatory grief is real, valid, and often invisible but you don’t have to face it in silence. Whether it is through therapy, connection, or simply acknowledging what is coming up in your mind, taking care of yourself now is an act of love.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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