At one point or another, everyone has struggled with control in some way shape or form. Perhaps you try to take control over a romantic relationship so you do not let emotions cloud your judgment. Maybe your control issues really come to the surface at work where you compete with your peers. Past experiences or a fear of uncertainty commonly drive control concerns. You may have a deep-seated belief that being in control equates to safety and stability.
Continue reading this blog if you want to explore the root causes of control issues, learn how control concerns manifest in your behaviors and relationships, and, most importantly, to see what coping strategies can be implemented in your life to regain a sense of balance and flexibility. When you understand the underlying motivations of your control issues, you can take healthier actions to better yourself which will also better the interactions you have with other people. This will ultimately lead to a more fulfilling, happier life.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Is control a form of anxiety?
Yes, control can be a very strong form of anxiety that dictates many areas of your life if you allow it to. It typically stems from a deep-seated need to manage fear and uncertainty. If you feel like a situation is out of your hands or largely unpredictable, you may face extreme anxiety.
Here are some common signs that you may be experiencing control anxiety:
Difficulty delegating
Micromanagement
Perfectionism (Check out our blog “Is Perfectionism A Coping Skill?”)
Avoidance of uncertainty
Emotional distress in uncontrollable environments
Overthinking and rumination
Rigid thinking patterns
Strained relationships
Physical symptoms of anxiety (Read our blog “3 Ways to Manage Your Physical Anxiety Symptoms”)
Need for routine and structure
Take our Anxiety Quiz by viewing our blog “Do I Have Anxiety? Take The Quiz and Learn 5 Instant Calming Tips.”
This anxiety actually manifests in the form of control issues. You may want to exert control over various domains of your life, including relationships, family concerns, your work environment, and so on. By trying to control your surroundings or other people, you subconsciously believe you can create a sense of safety and predictability. In the short-term, the unhealthy coping skill of control will temporarily alleviate your anxiety, but it will only breed a need for more control in the future.
The pursuit of control can become never-ending and leave you stuck in a cycle of anxiety. Initially, controlling the situation may provide a sense of some relief, but it can also cause you to feel easily stressed and overwhelmed.
For instance, let us say that you struggle with control issues at work which makes it hard to “turn off” work in your personal life. You may feel the need to micromanage projects at work and even experience temporary satisfaction when everything seems to be going well, but the constant need to monitor every little detail can lead to burnout and anxiety when a mistake is made. This reinforces the belief that, without your constant attention, things may go awry so you feel stuck in this cycle of control and anxiety. For support, check out our blog “3 Ways to Achieve Work-Life Balance.”
Control anxiety can have a negative impact on various facets of your life. Here are some key areas of your life where control anxiety can create problems:
Impaired relationships
Increased stress and burnout
Poor decision-making
Difficulty adapting to change (Our blog “The Best Ways To Cope With Life Transitions” is a must-read)
Fear of failure
Low self-esteem (Read our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”)
Physical health issues
Impaired creativity and innovation
Negative impact on mental health
Isolation and loneliness (Check out our blog “How to Battle the Loneliness Epidemic”)
Reduced quality of life
Truly understanding the link between your need for control and anxiety is important for your emotional well-being and overall welfare.
What kind of trauma causes control issues?
Control issues can be rooted in various forms of trauma that have left the person struggling with control issues feeling vulnerable, powerless, or unsafe. There are different types of trauma that can contribute to control issues.
Childhood trauma
Experiences that occurred during your childhood can play a major role in your perception of control generally speaking. If you grew up in an unstable or chaotic home environment, you may have been taught that you have little power over your own circumstances. Some of this instability and chaos during childhood may have occurred due to parental conflict, substance abuse or addiction, or neglect, for instance.
As a coping mechanism in adulthood, you may develop control issues to create a sense of safety. For example, a child who experienced unpredictability may become an adult who struggles with micromanagement in an attempt to manage their setting and avoid feelings of helplessness.
To learn more information, read our blogs “How Childhood Trauma Can Impact You As An Adult” and “How to Heal Childhood Trauma As An Adult.”
Loss and Grief
Experiencing significant loss, from death to divorce or separation, can lead to major feelings of instability. If you have lost loved ones, you may struggle with feelings of helplessness and even begin to fear future loss.
Therefore, you may exert control in various situations to regain a sense of stability in your life, especially your relationships. This may even manifest as clinginess in relationships where you want to constantly be with your partner. You may even try to control your partner’s actions to prevent them from leaving you or becoming distant.
Check out our blog “Are You In A Relationship With A Controlling Partner?”.
While a person of any gender can be controlling, most women tend to see controlling behavior from a male partner. Research shows that 63% of women experience at least one form of controlling behavior by their husband or male partner.
Relationship trauma
Trauma from unhealthy or abusive romantic relationships can travel with you if you do not take the active steps to heal it.
If you experienced the following, you may struggle with control issues in future relationships:
Betrayal
Infidelity (Read our blog “How to Navigate Insecurity After Infidelity”)
Emotional manipulation (Check out our blog “Overcoming the Aftermath of Love Bombing”)
In an attempt to shield yourself and your heart, you may become excessively jealous or overly cautious, fearing that you will get hurt again. A desire to control your significant other’s actions or choices can stem from a fear of betrayal or abandonment which is rooted in past experiences. To learn more, check out our blog “Healing Abandonment Trauma with Inner Work.”
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
People with PTSD may develop control issues as a way to manage their symptoms.
Here are the primary causes and contributing factors associated with the development of PTSD:
Experiencing trauma
Accidents
Natural disasters
Sudden loss
Military combat
Physical assault
Witnessing trauma
Cumulative trauma
Childhood trauma
Preexisting mental health conditions (e.g, anxiety, depression, etc.)
Genetic and biological factors
Lack of support
Feeling constantly on edge or being triggered by reminders of your trauma can lead to a driving desire to control your setting to feel safe. You may even avoid situations or places that remind you of your trauma, believing that it will help you manage your anxiety. In the moment, avoidance may feel good as it lessens anxiety, but it is not a long-term solution. In fact, long-term avoidance will strengthen your anxious thoughts and behaviors.
For guidance, our blog “5 Healthy Ways to Cope with PTSD” is a must-read.
What causes the feeling of losing control?
The feeling of losing control is largely dependent on what is driving one’s control issues. It depends on many internal and external factors. For example, if you only experience control issues at work, feeling out of control due to a health issue may not trigger your anxiety as deeply although it may be a scary, unpleasant experience.
Major life transitions or changes can trigger feelings like you are out of control.
Common life transitions include:
Starting a new job (Read our blog “Career Counseling: Protect Your Mental Health During A Job Change”)
Graduating from high school or college (View our blog “Navigating Post-Grad Life: 9 Essential Insights for Recent College Graduates”)
Marriage or partnership
Parenthood (View our blog “Your Guide to Self-Care As A Parent”)
Divorce or separation (Check out our blog “Everything You Need to Know About Divorce Counseling”)
Moving to a new city (Check out our blog “How to Cope with Moving Stress”)
Retirement (Read our blog “Combatting the Retirement Blues: Empire State of Mind to Sunshine State Unwind”)
Health changes (Read our blog “3 Ways to Overcome Health Anxiety”)
Loss of a loved one (View our blog “Grief: How to Cope with Losing A Loved One”)
Aging
Becoming empty-nesters (Check out our blog “How to Cope With Empty Nest Syndrome”)
Life changes can bring about a level of uncertainty and ambiguity, making it hard to navigate your new circumstances. The fear of the unknown may worsen your anxiety, leading to a sense of feeling overwhelmed and like you are losing grip over your life. The inability to predict how a new situation may unfold can cause feelings of helplessness to arise.
A fear of failure or rejection may also be driving your control issues. When you are overly-concerned about meeting expectations (whether it comes from other people or yourself), you can become paralyzed by a pressure to succeed.
This fear of failure and/or rejection may lead to:
Avoidance behaviors
Procrastination
Rigid perfectionism (Read our blog “Is Perfectionism A Coping Skill?”)
The above can reinforce feelings of inadequacy or lack of control. To learn more, check out our blog “Why Am I Terrified of Rejection?”.
Experiencing or witnessing trauma can impact your sense of control. Traumatic events can leave lasting emotional scars and make you believe that your environment is unsafe and downright dangerous. If you have dealt with trauma, you may struggle with trust and safety, leading to increased anxiety and hypervigilance. It may feel as if you have little control over your emotions, relationships, or life circumstances, worsening feelings of hopelessness.
How do I stop being so controlling?
The first step to stop being overly controlling is understanding the root cause of your control issues. Reflect on your past experiences and the situations that trigger your need for control. Are there specific fears at plays? What about insecurities? Understanding the root cause will offer insight into your behaviors and help you develop healthy coping skills.
Once you identify the triggers, you must put your knowledge into practice by becoming self-aware. Recognize when and why you attempt to exert control over people or situations. Pay attention to the thoughts and feelings that arise when you feel frustrated or anxious. By reflecting on your experience, you can pinpoint triggers and develop strategies to respond to circumstances differently.
The only way to learn how to rid yourself of control issues is by learning how to let go of the outcome. Given, this is easier said than done, and may require the help of a therapist for control issues at Anchor Therapy.
You can learn to do this through various measures, from delegating tasks to other people to allowing a friend to take the lead on plans. Notice how it feels to step back and relinquish control. Over time, you will learn that tasks can be accomplished through various measures and the responsibility does not solely lie on you! Other people may even bring valued perspectives to the table that enhance the outcome.
In anxiety counseling, you will learn how to manage your anxiety in a healthy manner. From deep breathing exercises to meditation, there are many healthy tactics you can employ to stay grounded in the present moment and effectively reduce anxiety. Establishing coping skills is necessary to help you navigate anxiety-provoking situations without enabling and resorting to your controlling behavior.
Anxiety therapy can be a safe space to explore the underlying causes of your need for control and to equip you with effective tools to manage anxiety and stress. A therapist can help you work past traumas, develop self-compassion, and create healthier coping skills.
Trust in yourself and other people is important in reducing controlling behaviors. Trust that you can handle situations as they arise and believe that you can cope with whatever the outcome is. Additionally, work on enhancing your trust in relationships by allowing other people to make decisions from time-to-time.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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