Love is a powerful emotion. It can sweep you off of your feet, feel euphoric, and be a source of immense happiness. However, when love starts to feel like an obsession or dependency, it may hint that there is a deeper issue going on. The sense of being “addicted” to love often comes from your brain’s response to the emotional highs of being in a romantic connection with someone. When you fall in love, your brain releases a host of feel-good chemicals, such as dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. These chemicals can create a sense of pleasure and attachment. Over time, you may become dependent on these neurochemical ‘boosts’. In other words, your association of love to intense feelings of validation and joy makes you crave love even more.
There is a point in time where a longing for love can become too intense and turn into emotional dependency. Some signs of this may be constantly seeking external validation or falling into unhealthy cycles of emotional highs and lows with someone, even if it is a toxic connection. For more information on this, check out our blog “How To Tell If You Are In A Toxic Relationship.” The desire to feel loved, cherished, or wanted is at the core of the human experience, but it may cloud your sense of self-worth over time. Not being in a romantic relationship should not make you feel incomplete. Understanding why love feels like an addiction and your relationship to love is the first step toward breaking free from unhealthy patterns and learning how to nurture healthier, more balanced relationships.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is a love addiction called?
Love addiction is often referred to as romantic attachment disorder or love and relationship addiction. It is a psychological condition characterized by an overwhelming and compulsive need to be in a romantic relationship. At the core, there is an unhealthy attachment to the idea of love itself. A love addict constantly seeks validation, affection, or emotional connection through relationships.
Research shows that roughly 3-6% of the general adult population experience love addiction. Some studies also indicate that love addiction is most prominent during young adulthood. For example, the percentage of those addicted to love may reach up to 25% for college students.
The desire for love may become so intense that it bleeds into every area of a love addict’s life. That is to say, it takes precedence over personal well-being, self-care, or other important aspects of life. To learn how to prioritize self-care, read our blog “The 8 Forms of Self-Care and How You Can Practice Them.” It is important to distinguish that, for someone with love addiction, they do not just view love as a positive emotional experience. Instead, love is a driving force that defines who they are as a person, including what their sense of worth is and their purpose in life.
Love addiction has heavy roots to attachment theory. Attachment theory explores how early relationships in childhood, particularly with caregivers, shape our emotional bonds in adulthood. People with love addiction may have developed insecure attachment patterns in childhood, such as anxious or avoidant attachment styles, that influence how they seek out and maintain relationships later in life.
What are the four attachment styles?
Secure attachment:
An individual with a secure attachment style generally has a positive view of themselves and other people. They feel comfortable giving and receiving intimacy, and are able to maintain healthy, balanced relationships. They can give and receive love without being too dependent or too avoidant.
Anxious attachment:
For someone with an anxious attachment style, they may crave closeness and intimacy, but they fear abandonment or rejection. To learn more about the rejection fear, read our blog “Why Am I Terrified of Rejection?”. Therefore, they tend to become overly-dependent on their partner for validation and reassurance.
Avoidant attachment:
Someone with an avoidant attachment style distances themself from emotional closeness and intimacy. They value extreme independence to the point of avoiding emotional vulnerability altogether, therefore they prioritize personal space over emotional connection. For more information, read our blog “3 Steps to Becoming More Vulnerable.”
Disorganized attachment:
Someone with a disorganized attachment style had inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving as a child. There is a conflicting desire for closeness and distance at the same time which leads to one’s behavior being confusing or erratic in a relationship. A fear of confusion may be present due to past trauma or neglect. For more information on healing trauma, check out our blog “How to Heal Childhood Trauma As An Adult.” Someone with a disorganized attachment style may often find themselves in unhealthy relationship patterns since they may not know how to navigate emotional intimacy in a balanced way.
To learn more about the attachment styles, check out our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
Attachment styles can manifest in many ways in romantic relationships.
For example, someone with an anxious attachment style might become overly clingy or dependent in romantic relationships, constantly seeking reassurance or fearing abandonment. To learn about the fear of abandonment, read our blog “Healing Abandonment Trauma with Inner Work.” The need to feel loved and validated in a romantic relationship becomes an attempt to fill a perceived emotional void. This can often result in a cycle of unhealthy romantic entanglements that reinforce one’s attachment insecurities.
For available attachment treatment options, our blog “How to Use Anxious Attachment Therapy to Build Secure Attachment” is a must-read. At Anchor Therapy, we have attachment therapists who can help you heal your relationship to love.
What are the signs of love addiction?
Love addiction can be a complex and overwhelming emotional experience that may not always be easy to recognize, especially when you are the person caught up in the cycle of looking for validation and affection. In the initial stages of falling in love with someone, love can feel exhilarating. On the other hand, for someone struggling with love addiction, an initial exciting feeling of falling in love can lead one to spiral into unhealthy attachments and an overwhelming need for constant reassurance or connection. Love addiction is often rooted in unresolved attachment issues or a desire to fill emotional voids. This leads to someone with love addiction seeking out romantic relationships just to feel complete. Over time, this dependency can create a pattern of emotional instability, anxiety, and self-neglect, making it harder to break free from the cycle. Check out our blog “4 Ways to Manage Your Relationship Anxiety.”
If you are asking yourself “Am I addicted to love?”, you may want to look out for the following common signs of love addiction:
Constant need for romantic validation: You feel incomplete or unworthy without a partner's attention and affection.
Obsessive thoughts about a partner: You think about your significant other all the time, often at the expense of other aspects of life (e.g., work, school, family, friendships, etc.).
Fear of abandonment: You experience extreme anxiety or distress when there is a risk of rejection or when the relationship is uncertain.
Repetitive unhealthy relationships: You continuously attract or stay in toxic or unbalanced relationships despite knowing they are not healthy for you.
Neglecting personal well-being: You prioritize the relationship over your own needs, goals, or self-care.
Emotional rollercoaster: You experience intense emotional highs when things are good and deep lows when things are unstable in the relationship.
Difficulty being alone: You struggle with being single or you feel uncomfortable with solitude.
Dependence on love for self-worth: You use romantic love as a primary source of self-esteem, rather than cultivating inner self-worth. To enhance your sense of self, read our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”.
Recognizing the signs of love addiction is the first step toward understanding and addressing love addiction. If you or someone you know exhibits these behaviors, it is important to seek support from a licensed relationship therapist. A relationship counselor will help you break free from these cycles and build healthier, more balanced relationships.
Who are love addicts attracted to?
Love addicts are often attracted to individuals who may perpetuate the cycle of dependency and emotional instability that they experience. Many people gravitate towards what they know and, in the case of a love addict, this may not always be the healthiest option available. If you resonate with being a love addiction, you may tend to gravitate toward partners who can fulfill your deep need for validation, affection, and a sense of completeness. You may unknowingly seek out relationships where their emotional needs are unmet or where there is an imbalance of power, creating a dynamic where their dependency is heightened.
Love addicts may be particularly drawn to:
Unavailable partners: People who are emotionally distant, unavailable, or already in other relationships can create an "unreachable" aura that fuels the love addict's desire to win their affection. Ironically, this may provide a love addict with a sense of purpose, turning love into a pursuit of the unavailable.
Narcissistic or emotionally distant individuals: Partners who are self-centered or emotionally detached may unintentionally reinforce the love addict's insecurities and need for validation. The love addict might feel drawn to these individuals, hoping that their love and devotion will eventually "change" or win over the partner. It is the age-old tale of someone trying to “fix” their partner even though you cannot change someone who does not want to change for themselves. Read our blog “8 Tips for Dealing With A Narcissist.”
Toxic or unhealthy relationships: Love addicts can be attracted to individuals who are either manipulative or emotionally abusive. The highs of being in a relationship with these partners can feel intense and all-consuming, even though the relationship may be damaging generally speaking.
Those with similar attachment issues: Love addicts often find themselves attracted to people who share similar emotional wounds or insecure attachment styles which can reinforce unhealthy patterns. For example, they may be drawn to someone with an avoidant attachment style, creating a push-pull dynamic where one partner seeks closeness and the other withdraws and then the pendulum swings back.
In many cases, love addicts may unconsciously select partners who fit these patterns because they reinforce their belief that they need someone to "complete" them. These relationships may be intense but they do not provide a sense of stability and emotional safety- the things a love addict truly wants.
Can love addicts have healthy relationships?
Yes, love addicts can have healthy relationships! But it is important to note that it often requires significant self-awareness, effort, and healing. Love addiction is rooted in unhealthy patterns of attachment and emotional dependency, therefore one must learn how to break free from these cycles to learn how to build secure connections. Healing from love addiction often involves understanding the root causes, such as unresolved attachment issues or past trauma, and actively working through them with therapy, self-reflection, and personal growth.
If you are a love addict who wants a healthy relationship, you must first address your emotional needs independently rather than relying on a partner to fulfill them. This involves developing a strong sense of self-worth and emotional stability that is not dependent on external validation. Practicing boundaries, learning to enjoy and embrace solitude, and recognizing the signs of unhealthy attachment are also important steps. For more information, check out our blog “How to Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships.”
What are the benefits of working with an attachment-based therapist for love addiction?
Understanding attachment patterns
Healing from past trauma
Building healthier relationships
Improved self-worth and emotional regulation (Read our blog “How to Regulate Your Emotions”)
Reduction of fear and anxiety
Long-term healing
With the guidance of therapy, such as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or attachment-based therapy, love addicts can gain insight into their behaviors and begin forming relationships based on mutual respect, trust, and emotional balance. Ultimately, while healing from love addiction can be challenging, it is entirely possible! You can create and nurture a healthy, fulfilling relationship once the issue of emotional dependency has been addressed.
Understanding why you feel addicted to love can be the first step in breaking free from unhealthy emotional patterns and building stronger, more balanced relationships. Love addiction often stems from unresolved attachment issues, emotional dependency, or a need for external validation. By recognizing the signs and understanding the underlying causes, you can begin the healing process!
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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